Well, I believe today is the day you go home. I'm sure you are nervous and full of emotion. One thing I notice about the forums here is you get a lot of differing opinions on what and how to do things. Obviously, they are based upon each and every person's situations. Please make sure to think through YOUR situation and listen to everyone's opinion, but do what you believe, deep down in your heart is the right thing to do. Only YOU will have to live with your decisions. Not us.
Many times the approach is to get a "screw them" attitude toward the spouse and to draw the line and only work on yourself. Working on yourself is sooo important, but I think losing sight of your emotions toward your spouse is wrong. To stop thinking about what they are thinking and feeling is wrong. Trying to understand where they are coming from, however altered, is important for recovery. Most of the people on the site, whose marriages have been restored, did this.
Ok, let me try to answer some questions you asked me and statements you made. The things she says now about your marriage are not necessarily the truth- this is what people refer to as rewriting history. I did this. I took everything in my marriage and blew it up 100x negatively. It helps make the affair ok in our minds...I wasn't consciously doing this, I just did.
Retrouvaille. Most of the time, when couples go, one is more open minded to working it out than the other.
How she feels about the fact that it wasn't an "affair" because she didn't let her feelings go until after is typical thinking of someone having an affair and trying to make it "ok". Relationships don't just happen...they build....She laid the foundation as she was becoming "friends". The book, "Not just Friends" explains this.
It will get ugly when/if you cut the internet. Make sure you have proof, and give her the option to keep the internet but give you all of the passwords and access to what she is doing. You can explain that you will need this to build the trust back up. You will explain that you do not want to be the man that enabled his wife's affair. Explain again that you are fighting for your marriage and the wife you love. Keep her family out of it if you can. Do this first, see what happens, and go from there. If you have proof, there is no rush to get to her father first. You also may find that family tends to stick together no matter what. Her father may end up not being an ally. Yes, you can talk to her about the fact that she said she needs time to work on herself and that not sitting on the computer all of the time should help that.
Good luck today. I'm praying for you and your wife.
