Turn the Page

[OnceBurdened]

And her reply was?

Burt

She said she wasn't going to tell me anymore about it because it just brings it back up again. She said what she told me is bad enough, that it couldn't be any worse and why do i want her and I to relive any of it. She doesn't know how it would help.

She said she had spoke to OMW again. OMW wanted to know the same thing and she told me that she told her that she messed up. She said she told her that they (her & OM) messed up a good friendship by letting it go as far as it did.

She also told me that I obviously want out. I know that's a trap. I've detached to the point where she can grab that pretty easily. But that's okay, too.

It's what she does with it. I see detachment by her, than she runs back. Peaks and valley's.

I did tell her that I wouldn't expect me to deal with her sh*t a whole lot longer. I should have stated that differently.

She said " That was my decision"

She turned me around at the coffee pot this morning gave me a kiss and hug, said ILY to me and each kid before leaving to temp. job.

[OnceBurdened]

Just spoke to OMW.

She was told A was over, OM & OMW are seperating but he has agreed to total transparency. She has his cell phone tapped and he is living right down the street. She told me this was it - she took my ( we all know it was Robx's) " I get it" and stuck it to him.

She said she was sorry, this is at least the 3rd friend he has done this to and now she was gonna decide if he comes back! She said " And he don't f*n like it either!! I hear something everyday about how sorry he is. And I tell him - You're right your a sorry MF and get out of my face, I'm not ready to talk to you."

They own a biz together, fairly successful, she said she did get D Papers drawn up and slapped him in the a$$ with them.

She talks like a sailor. She said " And after Friday when( my W) called our D17 ripped him a new one, his S9 punched him in the gut, Secretary called him a piece of sh*t and I handed him D papers. All that Knocked his d*ck in the dirt he cried all weekend - I loved it!"

[OnceBurdened]

OMW called this morning to let me know my W did call her and offered a sincere apology.

She confirmed also that my W did initiate the breakup back in Dec. and it was OM that has pursued since then & she had info to prove it. Unreturned texts, phone calls etc.

Still edgy @ here though, so how long before these A chemicals wear off anyway?

[Gnosis]

How are you doing OB? I wanted to re-read the last few pages before saying anything.

It looks like your W is getting it and is coming out of the funk. She is showing some promising signs.

--- Just saw your update as I was typing this....

There is no set time period to the A chemicals to wearing off.

Here are some positive signs in her:

- initiating booty calls, kissing and ILY's
- her chasing the server away
- her tagging along with you
- her calling OM and voicing No Contact
- her calling OMW and apologizing

Some warning points:

- OM has been kicked out of his home
- OM will be pursuing her

What she has to do:

- Tell you whenever OM tries to contact her
- Stay away from OM (i.e. modify her habits and behavior to avoid all contact with him)
- Regain your trust (she's at least trying)

I can't remember if I told you this before, but take a few days break. Get out of the house for a while and find a quiet place to stay for a few days where you can reflect a bit.

I believe you are at a turning point here and have a good chance at saving your M. Partially this depends on you and if you can find a way to forgive her. You know that it's going to be a painful journey to full reconciliation -- for both of you. You need to decide though if you can live with it and if it is what you want. You know that no one else can tell you what to do. It's not an easy decision to make, this is why you need some time to yourself, away from any external influences... so you can think. Don't be in a rush to make a decision. Take your time.

If you need to, reassure her that you have not made up your mind. Tell her where you will be and ask her not to call you unless it's an emergency. Tell her you need some space and have some thinking to do. That break apart from each other will help both of you.

I wish you the best OB and will support you with whatever you decide.

[OnceBurdened]

What she has to do:

- Tell you whenever OM tries to contact her
- Stay away from OM (i.e. modify her habits and behavior to avoid all contact with him)
- Regain your trust (she's at least trying)

We discussed these today about an hour ago, she actually asked me "What would it take to get this to go away."

I can't remember if I told you this before, but take a few days break. Get out of the house for a while and find a quiet place to stay for a few days where you can reflect a bit.

That was my ANSWER!!! I said the heat needed to come down a bit and I needed room to think.

She got kinda upset that i'd be in an RV Park in my buddies new 5th wheel. But That thing is FAR from roughing it. She is trying every angle to keep that from happening. She went to work out and hasn't stopped calling me.

[robx]

Just spoke to OMW.

She was told A was over, OM & OMW are seperating but he has agreed to total transparency. She has his cell phone tapped and he is living right down the street. She told me this was it - she took my ( we all know it was Robx's) " I get it" and stuck it to him.

Honestly that is Gucci's,
I personally used a variation of his "talk" before reading his version but everything he writes is just 100% better, I usually put alot more heat behind my conversations but he says it eloquently and to the point, no more bull$hit, have a nice life, I will too type thing.

Basically it's detachment but a written version of it, the right way to say it and the right way to do it. But remember it's can't just be words, it has to be real action backing up those words otherwise it's nothing.

OB for what it's worth, looks like you're doing a good job, keep it up.

You telling the W that you need time to think was a good idea too, it really puts forth the fear of loss idea in her head, it reinforces that there are consequences for specific actions.

[OnceBurdened]

You telling the W that you need time to think was a good idea too, it really puts forth the fear of loss idea in her head, it reinforces that there are consequences for specific actions.

Thanks Robx,I'm trying - maybe to hard see below-

So I left last nite as planned & within ten minutes she started texting.

Here is the Text word for word from her- "I'll take kids to school- clean here, organize, finish packing my stuff so I can get out as soon as I can- I think a job will happen soon- i'll take any job just to hurry the process for u - I promise- I now realize how miserable I make u- I clearly disgust u and it clearly shows in the way u look at me - I know if I am not gone very soon u will hate me in no time at all. If I can somehow at least salvage that I think I will be lucky - u belong here and deserve to be here - not me. I wont text or call again as u requested - i promise- will u b here tommorrow? Let me know when and I will go somewhere - I'm going to bed my heart is very heavy right now."

Is the fear of loss sinking in or she still shifting blame to walk out or what?

[Gnosis]

I think your wife is being sincere. You're in a unique position to turn this around IF you want to.

From what I can see, she is giving you the correct signals. Right now OB, only you can make that decision. Earlier on you said that she will get the first shot. She may be trying to guilt you, but the content of that text message does not look like WAS-speak to me.

I don't know how soon she will be able to find a job or move out. If you think it will take some time then continue working on yourself. If you think she will be able to move out soon, then perhaps you could share the following with her:

"W, I believe you are sincere. You are the mother of my children and if we get D then you have to be able to provide for them. I don't want you to rush into your next job just to get out of here. Haste has caused you to make many mistakes. I'm dealing with a lot right now. Give me some time to let my emotions settle so I can make a rational decision on how to proceed from here. Contrary to what you may believe, I also want the best for you."

This should buy you the time you need to make your decision. At this stage I don't think it would be wise to let her leave. Do you remember this post from yourself:

I said - " I wanna know the truth about what happened first, I wanna know how you could just turn and do something like that. 2nd I want some one that wants me and I want them back. If that's you u than it needs to show on both of our faces and in our actions. 3rd you need to be transparent, let me know what is going on in your mind and your life. I have trust issues as far as you are concerned."

Look at the red. This is the information she is working off.

I think it is safe to let your guard down a little bit now. I won't lie to you, the journey to reconciliation is a long and painful one -- FOR BOTH SIDES. If you decide to go down that path both of you will need to be patient.

I wish you the best OB.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You telling the W that you need time to think was a good idea too, it really puts forth the fear of loss idea in her head, it reinforces that there are consequences for specific actions.

Thanks Robx,I'm trying - maybe to hard see below-

So I left last nite as planned & within ten minutes she started texting.

Here is the Text word for word from her- "I'll take kids to school- clean here, organize, finish packing my stuff so I can get out as soon as I can- I think a job will happen soon- i'll take any job just to hurry the process for u - I promise- I now realize how miserable I make u- I clearly disgust u and it clearly shows in the way u look at me - I know if I am not gone very soon u will hate me in no time at all. If I can somehow at least salvage that I think I will be lucky - u belong here and deserve to be here - not me. I wont text or call again as u requested - i promise- will u b here tommorrow? Let me know when and I will go somewhere - I'm going to bed my heart is very heavy right now."

Is the fear of loss sinking in or she still shifting blame to walk out or what?

I will defer to those who have followed your sitch more closely, esp. recently, but this sounds like what I call "Stage 3" remorse to me: "I'm sorry for ME." Martyrdom stuff. I don't have all my "4 Stages of Remorse" stuff handy, as my computer crashed last week, but Stage 1 is basically "I'm sorry I got caught," and Stage 4 is true, introspective, other-oriented contrition: "I'm sorry for the pain I caused you and others," etc.

I think your response needs to me something along the lines of "No, you don't disgust me -- you are the mother of our children, and we have a lot of happy shared history and memories together. I truly do care about you, but I've had to begin protecting myself, understandably, not just legally but emotionally, and that is the detachment you are probably feeling from me."

I do think she's being sincere (albeit martyr-ish), and I do agree with Gno that there's an opening here for you should you choose to take it. I'd just caution, that if this IS "Stage 3" and not "Stage 4," to consider your tactics. In this stage, I'd prefer to see more of a still-detached, "You know what you need to do," (alt.: "This is your mess; you need to clean it up") than I would seeing you lay out a detailed lists of specific "dealbreakers" for her. Because the problem with those is, you'll get COMPLIANCE instead of COMMITMENT.

Just my two cents, and -- again -- I HAVE NOT FOLLOWED YOUR SITCH THAT CLOSELY RECENTLY, O.B. I'm going more by the words she is using here, and my experience with reading those in situations that I DO know (including my own).

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

P.S.

The best way I have seen to judge a wayward's intent is this:

When their ACTIONS begin to consistently align with their WORDS -- over time -- then you will know they are speaking the truth.

Puppy