Looking for help with WAW

[sandi2]

Tell us about the boundary regarding the emails. What exactly did you say and what were the consequences?

I don't think your W is doing all that great, as you may think. She's going through stuff too. Her thought process is screwed up and this new body image is something that some women need C to know how to handle it. Some people don't understand it, but it's true nevertheless.

I don't get the back & forth contacts over the bills. Can't you spit them up and get on with it? Is it b/c of the "way" she wants them split that you don't see as fair? That has been the biggest issue, it seems.

About taking chances meeting OM at gym b/c you go there also......don't fool yourself. You'd be surprised at what some WAW's in an EA will do to get their "fix".

[mza8]

Sandi, regarding the emails. I told my W that I would not communicate by email any longer. I told her this a month ago but backslid a few times since then...not good I know. Well last weekend my computer broke so I left her a voice mail that I can only communicate by phone or in person...don't think the in person is going to happen, maybe I should be content with phone communication for now? She left me voice mails yesterday about bills. I was on the phone with clients at my new job and couldn't answer. When I called her back I got her voice mail. Seems like she always let's my calls go into voice mail, I guess she wants to hear what I want first before she talks to me? I think she is being passive aggressive. As far as consequences for no emailing...well, to be honest I guess I didn't set any consequences. I just told her that I wouldn't email any more. I should set consequences, will have to think about what they will be.

Regarding splitting up the bills, yes, I agree that is the biggest issue at this time. She told me over a month ago that she was going to take her name off joint bills, said she would handle it. Then within the past two weeks she found out it wssn't as easy as calling those places to remove her name. So she needed me to fill out some paperwork which I did. She is still having difficulty removing her name from some joint accounts and it seems like she is aggravated with me about it. You are correct in that I definitely do not think she is being fair with what she wants to do with joint bills. I mentioned in an earlier post that she took a large sum of money from our joint account. She told me yesterday that she doesn't think she should have to pay for joint bills for utilities and our car because she is not living in our huse and not using the car, I have it. I think she has a legal responsibility to continue to use our joint money to pay our joint bills until her name is removed. I don't understand her thinking that she took most of our money and now she doesn't want to use it for our joint bills. She took that money and has it in some new account that she will not tell me. She has other monies in another accout which she can use for her expenses...a lot of money. This is all about control for her. I told her she must return our money into our joint account. She said she would talk o me about that when we met to discuss dividing our furniture, etc. That's the meeting she wants to have with her father present. So lately I have been thinking what is fair for me and how to convey this to W. I don't really care if it upsets her at this point as she is being completely unfair and unrealistic.

I hear what you're saying that my W may not be doing so well but from what I see I guess it's hard for me to think she is anything but fine and into only herself at this point. If's she's not doing well then it doesn't make sense to me why she won't take tim$e to think about this huge life changing decision. She is in IC but who knows for what? Probably just more closure and justification for what she I'd doing. I'm having a lot of resentment towards my W right now. It upsets me that she left without being mature ebough to talk to me first. In one of the last emails I sent her I asked her if she could be 100 percent sure she wouldn't feel differently in a year. I asked her how could she be certain. In that case why not continue with being apart for 6 months with NC and then try to talk. I don't understand what she has to lose? After 19 years together why not be sure first? I know she feels sure right now but no one can predict the future. Oh well, for now I am following the advice of those on this board. Only time will tell what happens in the future. Sad part is all of the positive changes I have made during this difficult time that my W won't see or even care about...her loss.

As for possible EA, it could happen but you are right Sandi, what can I do about it anyway. It upsets me to see W feel like M is something to throw away without any real work. Doesn't make sense to me.

[sandi2]

Telling your W that you won't be emailing her anymore is not a boundary. You simply told her what you were doing and she didn't have anything to do about it. A boundary is what you expect out of her (that affects you) and a consequense to her actions if she doesn't abide by the boundary.

Anyway, all that stuff you told her in your last email was very, very pursuing and I can more readily understand why she wants her father to be present when she talks to you. You are too persistant. You nag and apply pressure in her POV.

Remember that a WAW does not make logical sense, but you continue to keep hanging on to the fact that she didn't discuss her reasons for leaving, and why is she doing all this, etc., etc.

You need to resolve the money issue and get past it. You may not realize it, but you are harping on the same thing and I can only imagine how it comes across to her. Yes, a lot of resentment is showing. If you want her back then you have to be a man of strength and honor. Do the honorable thing with the finances, the furniture, etc. Back away from her and stop pursuing. She can't see any changes if you are continuing to show her the old you.

[mza8]

Update/journaling...

Haven't posted in a while. Not much has changed with my W. We still have not met face to face since she left over 3 months ago. A few text messages here and there to try to set up a meeting to discuss dividing our things. We have separated most of our joint bills now. Just need to put the house for sale and that's about it. I wanted to meet last week but she was too busy. She wanted to meet one night this week but with my new job I work late and can't meet at night. I suggested meeting this Saturday but she can't meet so she asked about next week. Unbelievable to me that she can't seem ti find time to meet about important issues. At this point I'm going to begin the process of putting the house for sale. I'm tired of waiting for her. I think she's playing games.

Personally I feel like I have come a long way since my last post. I have truly focused on myself. I'm actually at the point where I don't even want to be bothered by my W for now. It actually aggravates me wehn she contacts me this past week. I really don't want to hear from her. I don't feel anger towards my wife...it takes too much energy. I think I'm detaching. I no longer feel that I need my W to make my life happy. I can even imagine my life without her and with someone else. This part concerns me though. I'm surprised that I already feel that I could see myself with another woman and be happy. We have only been separated for 3 months. This seems too soon for mw to have these thoughts especially since my W and I have been together for so long. It's strange. Maybe I'm just exhausted from all of this. The past two years have been so stressful for me financially and I have been through so much that I just feel that I don't have the energy to deal with this right now. I don't even want to work on the marriage at this time. I need a break now. I now wish that my W just leaves me alone for a while.

I think I still love my W but I don't like her right now. She is not someone that I would to be with right now. I feel like becoming the WAS now. When I allow myself to really think about what I want, I still want to save my M...but not right now, maybe try again 6 months down the road. I'm burned out with this sitch. My personal life is good now. I'm GAL. My new job is good. I keep busy during the week and do things on the weekend, living life. It's nice.

I still don't know what my W is thinking but I don't really care anymore. That's her problem. She has to deal with her issues and I hope she does. I still have not found any evidence of OM, I have done some checking. Will still keep watch though. So who knows why shw felt the need to leave but I'm done trying to analyze it to death. My W and I have been through a lot in the last two years. I think we both could use a break although I still don't think the end result should be D. Perhaps after we both have some time to get ourselves together we both could try to work on the marriage...only time will tell. In the meantime I'm living my life. I don't believe in dating until the D(my personal choice), which is a long way away if it happens. I still love my W.

Thanks for listening.

[mza8]

Journaling...It's been a good week for me with GAL, etc. I continue to work on myself. Nothing new to report with W. I continue to be content with NC with W. It's good for me right now. I haven't seen anything negative with W, things have been calm.

I've been hanging out with friends, going out. I'm actually able to have fun when I'm out with friends now and not think of W. I feel like I'm able to do things now that my W would always make me feel guilty about. Now that I have my new job it's nice to feel independent again. I've bought myself a few things to treat myself. It feels good to do some fun things for me finally. I always lived my life for my W and rarely did anything for me. Always trying to please her. IF my W and I were to eventually reconcile this would definitely change. I want a W that gives me my equal time. I've realized that you can't live your life serving your spouse and not taking time to do things for yourself. I feel like this prevented me from growing. I feel like I have grown so much and changed so much since my W left. What I really like is that I am truly doing this for me and not to get W back. If one day she notices and wants to come back that would be great but if not I am becoming a better person, a person that I finally like.

Once and a while I do think about my sitch with W. I'm still frustrated by how she handles this. Just leaving without talking to me. Still haven't had the "talk" as to her specific reasons for leaving although I still beleive it was the stress from the past two years. I think my W has been very immature regarding how she handled and is handling this sitch. As some have told me that she wants a strong man, I want a strong and "mature" woman. I want a W that is mature enough to talk to me instead of burying her head in the sand when things get rough. I want a W that supports me and doesn't run out when things get rough.

I've received some excellent advice for which I am extremely grateful. Please keep it coming. I would strongly suggest that others on this board listen to the veterans on this board. Their advice is spot on and can help you if you follow it. I now know that no matter what happens in my sitch I will be ok.

Sandi, how am I doing so far?

[nsw1222]

I think I still love my W but I don't like her right now. She is not someone that I would to be with right now. I feel like becoming the WAS now. When I allow myself to really think about what I want, I still want to save my M...but not right now, maybe try again 6 months down the road. I'm burned out with this sitch. My personal life is good now. I'm GAL. My new job is good. I keep busy during the week and do things on the weekend, living life. It's nice.

It sounds like you're on the right path. I know of at least one case here where becoming the WAS did some good in the relationship. I think when you can get into that mindset, you're in a much better place.

[mza8]

nsw1222, thanks. I do feel like I am on the right path. At times I do feel like the WAS now but I'm not doing it for my W, I'm doing it for me. Don't really know what W is up to and honestly I don't care all that much. Hopefully that doesn't sound mean or selfish but right now this is what I need to do for me. Doesn't mean I don't love my W or hope for reconiliation but I am not consumed by it.

[sandi2]

I think you finally decided that you did not want to spend your life with a woman who didn't "want" you. You have decided that you are worth more than that. You have more to offer and should not have to accept crumbs (which she wasn't even offering that much).

You sound good and I'm glad you came back to update us. I was beginning to feel down after reading so many posts from men who just wouldn't listen to anyone, so this has made my day.

The fact that you "can" see yourself with another woman some day.....is not a bad thing. It may last or it may be short lived and your feelings for W will return to haunt you, but I hope that it's a good sign that you can move on. (You will probably always feel a certain amount of love for your W.) So many cannot (or will not) move on and their life is torture. Anyway, count your blessings if you can.

If she has not tried to see you in three months, then my advice would be give her the S or D and make a new life for yourself. Fighting her to stay M won't work anyway.

I hope others reading this will be encouraged to make personal decisions about self-improvements and GAL. If you can find the time out of your busy life, maybe you will offer help to some newcomers.

Hope you'll stay in touch, okay?

[mza8]

Thank you Sandi. I do feel much better. I got to a point where I realized that it wasn't worth it to me to obsess about this sitch as I cannot control what my W does. To be honest even if she was having an EA/PA (still don't know but I don't think so)it wouldn't even matter because I always told my W that if she ever had an A that would be the one thing that I could never forgive. I know people deal with tough times as my W and I did but it is unacceptable to me how she handled it. After 19 years together I deserved better.

I still have love for my W but it's not the same as it was 3 months ago. Couple of questions for you. Is it that uncommon for a WAW not to see their LBS for an extended time after they left? Might some of them just need some time to recover from the stress? Not that it matters too much as I'm fine either way but the DB and DR books seems to indicate that NC is the best during the beginnig of a S. I look at it this way, right now I work on me.I feel stronger and more mature than ever. I'm not necessarily giving up on my M and my W but I'm not consumed by it any longer. In my sitch, wouldn't it make sense to give my W lots and lots of space and try to connect with her again after many months or a year? figure I would see where she stands at that time as some situations I read about sometimes change after time. I guess anything is possible.

Sandi, thank you for your advice and help. You and others really helped me through some difficult weeks. Please keep checking in with my sitch. Who knows maybe something will change for the better.

I will help others on this board. I do like to help others and hopefully I can offer some support. I'll keep in touch.

Best,
mza8

[sandi2]

Good deal!