Morning.
Woke up with another pit in my stomach. Hard to get H out of my head these days and I find myself writing him letters, jotting down thoughts on paper. I read Pearl's bit in "Piecing" and it SO resondated with me...that is how I felt a lot of my marriage, and the indecisiveness/what elese is out there. My biggest problem I am convinced was though simply in marrying too young, it wasn't so much H I doubted but I hadn't had that much life experience yet (and now see it this way more clearly).

I know I blamed a lot of issues on H that were my own, but within the parameters of a relationship my entire adult life, i did not see that as such. There were times before we got engaged that I wanted to take a break, but I was not strong enough at the time to do it. I firmly believe if we had taken time apart them - and I had learned what I've learned across this past year - we would have moved on to have a wonderful relationship. But I was always a little bitter/resentful that I never had 'me' time before we got married, and it manifested itself in my marriage and prevented me from really being present as a partner should. That is one of the biggest learnings I have garnered from this experience.

I wish I could communicate this to H. Well I have in so many words and he just says "well you should have taken the time then" but i was still in a weak place after dad died and would entail moving jobs and cities and I also felt like he wouldn't wait for me, I didn't want to take the risk. But it would have been so much safer then without all the water under the bridge now that H has trouble looking beyond.

I want to tell him how much I've learned about myself and grown - well of course I have - but he can't seem to see past this. I ask for forgiveness and try to remind him of the good times. What more can I do? He asks how is it that I NOW realize all this stuff? And the answer is that i've had the time on my own to objectively and critically look at myself in a way that I was not able to in a relationship. Shouldn't that be good enough?

What else can I do? A letter to him perhaps explaining this, with at the end letting him know that he is free to go if he so chooses. He seems to avoid most of my attempts to reach out.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I had spoken to his friend months ago, or his mother, or someone to express the sincerity 0 but not dsperation - of my thoughts. Have someone help us, a 3rd party, or something. All I seem to be able to do is write my thoughts down on paper. I'd like him to read some of them, but I know it might seem pursuing.

It may not matter anymore to him. But I'm afraid I'll be haunted by this my whole life, as I was within my marriage that I should have always had 'me' time before...now I fear I will be obsessing with the fact that I didn't take it then ruined my M. Help!