The adventure chronicles

[AFWAW]

But I'm wondering- you asked her for the truth, but did you really stop to consider if you could handle the truth? Did you think beforehand how you would react? Was there an answer that would have been more "acceptable" to you, that you wouldn't have wigged out on?

I did, the thing that got me was she slept with a guy last month but she's been begging to come home since Sep claiming there's no one else, etc. That's what got to me. I've been reading Not Just Friends and one of the points in the book was that you cannot move on together without the truth. I believe this as if I don't get the truth, I have no basis to be able to trust again. I think I'll have a difficult time ever trusting her again anyway.

Your W was taking a big gamble to answer that question- if she gives the "wrong" answer, she faced losing you forever, if it's an "acceptable" answer, you might consider forgiving her.

Consequences to poor behaviour. She knew this already but if I don't get the truth then there is NO CHANCE ever that I would take her back.

IMHO- I always thought that was a question best not asked until you already decided what kind of action you were going to take based on the knowledge that a spouse was unfaithful- the number doesn't need to be an additional litmus test. A person is not going to feel comfortable volunteering that information unless he/she is in a secure environment- secure meaning that the outcome is already ordained, whether it's D or reconciliation. He/she shouldn't have to worry about the answer influencing the other's actions.

So what you're saying is that I should take my wife back and then figure out how many men she has slept with? I'm sorry but I have a hard time with one and the fact that she has lied to me for almost a year and is still making the choice to do this makes me feel like she needs to come clean before I can make a reasonable decision for me and my daughter. Her conduct is heartless and cruel. I will not make a decision to reconcile without having all the facts and truth.

One other point- yeah, it is possible for someone to sleep around and claim that their spouse is still the love of their life. She's not unique in that regard. My H was quite open about wanting to sleep with other women, but it was "nothing personal" about me, he needed "variety". And that was more important to him than my feelings. So yeah, my H has similar issues, he was just more upfront about them.

I hope you do feel better soon, AFWAW. I know it was a shock to hear, and it is a lot to get over.

I'm sorry about your husband. His behavior is cruel also and thanks for responding to me.