Well I have received my answer from the MRS. I present it here:
"OP My needs as I define them start with talking with openness and mutual respect. This being a team means talking about core issues. How you make plans in life. That there is an active plan for the future. Setting aside time to talk about the challenging things going on and the need to change. I need to know that you are accountable and active participant in our financial future. That you are looking to provide more financial security. That you are rethinking your job situation. Doing something different than you are doing now. This planning and carrying out the plan soon is how I can feel secure. Again this was started and in my head before my own job situation woes (which I hope will be over soon). No matter how that turns out I need those things to feel secure in a relationship.
Mrs OP"
Well it sounds like alien speak to me. Anybody else have an opinion?
I'm sorry OldPilot, but this does not sound like alien speak to me at all. I think she is being very clear about what she wants and this is consistent with the very first post you made on here. I suggest you reread what you wrote.
My interpretation: Your W believes that she has not been treated as an equal partner in your marriage. You have been the main financial support for your marriage and she feels that you have been making decisions about your business and career that have not included her. She needs to feel financially secure and she does not feel that way now.
For some women, financial support is a basic need of theirs. (See the book "His Needs, Her Needs") Her relationship needs are not being met unless she feels financially secure.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
I find it interesting that she uses the team reference and also says "our". Even the talk of the future.... many of them can't and don't look that far ahead.
Then the rest is all about you and what you need to do.
I know it probably doesn't sound right, but those are her feelings. She may not be able to think and rationalize like you and me yet, but this is how she feels and arguing over them would be pointless.
This is sort of the suck part of all this. She isn't ready to even hear about your needs yet. I know it's not right but it's the way it is for now.
While navagating your way through this crazy storm there will never be a shortage of people telling you....
"forget it, move on."
"this isn't right, you deserve better."
"this isn't fair." (I hate that word btw, unless it's associated with corndogs and cotton candy)
...those people will always be there. Are they bad people? Absolutely not. Does that make them wrong? Not really.
It's actually a very "safe" view to have considering the difficulty of all this and the pisss poor odds. It's a fairly easy or safe position to take to say, "see I told you so."
The ego is a pretty powerful thing.
This is your life, it's your choice. You live it. You decide how much you want to give or sacrifice. You decide who you are or who you desire to be.
My only suggestion to you as you make your way through all of this is to do it for you. Learn, grow, become better so you will be able to look back at all of this and be proud of how you handle yourself.
It pushes you to your limits and beyond but in the end you reap the rewards regardless of the outcome.
Does any of what she said carry weight. Does anything at all she speaks of possibly need to change?
YES This response by her is the same thing I have been hearing for months, so it comes as no surprise. She wants me to blow up my life, I hear her, I have made some changes. They drew no response. There are no right or wrong answers in this. Just different paths that we can take. Each path is filled with different perils that can overtake us. I would gladly take another path if she were by my side. By myself I question whether I want to take this path knowing at the end I might be going the wrong way.
I will digress for a second. My mother is a genius! She is bipolar, everything she says has some truth to it, but it is so twisted that it makes no common sense. She is off of her meds again. About the 40th time in 50 years. We stopped saving her a long time ago. I had an experience with her yesterday which I am not going to detail now, but it was crazy as usual. So to bring this into the rest of my life my W is not bipolar, however she is depressed. She has been told by her C this and she refuses to listen. So I have listened to her, I have made some changes.
Do I change my path to save her? I wish I knew what was the right thing to do.
I am ready for more 2x4's please hit me with them!
The only thing I'm going to add to trapt's words is this.
Quote:
I would gladly take another path if she were by my side. By myself I question whether I want to take this path knowing at the end I might be going the wrong way.
Many of us here would walk through hell to find our wife, if she would walk back out with us. But how many of us would walk through hell not knowing if she would come back out with us?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
