Hopeless feelings

[MHL]

I’m so upset, and can’t even function right now. All my friends tell me it’s time for me to go talk to a lawyer. It appears my DB’ing has not worked )-:

mb28,
On the contrary, I think your DBing is working just fine. Remember, don't believe anything they say and only half of what you see. It is time to see a lawyer but don't give up on your H or your M. You are saying and doing the right things, your validating, and actually you are setting some boundries by telling him to stop telling you what you think and feel. That is verbal abuse right from the textbook and you don't stand for it, the only thing I would have done different is turn and walk away which is so hard to do. I know, we love our spouses no matter how bad they treat us. We have to love them enough to show them tough love back and that means not letting them abuse us. I be willing to turn our backs on them. We just got to give it time to work. Hang in there, be strong for your children, be strong for YOU!!! You can do this!

[mb28]

I went dark yesterday, and wouldn’t return any of H phone calls or texts. I just couldn’t handle talking with him after he said for sure he was done, and wanted to get a D as soon as possible.

I finally returned his phone call late last night. And he just informed me that he is getting information from the mortgage company about possibly getting our payments lowered, so that I can afford the house. Again he informed me that there is nothing left between us.

The stress of this is really starting to get to me. I’m just so heartbroken, and have a really hard time getting out of bed each day.

[mb28]

If anyone has any suggestions on a WAS that is in hurry to end it, I would love to hear them. Especially any tactics I could use to get him to slow down.

My story

[mb28]

Seen H tonight for just a few minutes. Said "Hi", and "Bye" to him. For the first time in weeks, he didn't hang around to try to talk to me. That scares me a little.

I've seen so many signs of an affair, but can't prove anything. I'm really considering hiring an investigator. My therapist said that if I knew for sure that he was with OW, it might help me to let go. I tend to agree with her. Not that this would make my stitch any easier, but it would explain a lot of his behavior. In addition, it would stop those thoughts I have, not knowing for sure but suspecting is tuff.

[mb28]

Need help staying focused. H is moving so fast. He keeps telling me he wants to move on as soon as possible. Luckily he has taken the kids to Las Vegas this weekend to see his sister, so I will have some much needed alone time.

I really feel that for my own sanity, I need to find out if there is OW or not. If there is, I think I would change my attitude about being separated, and able to let go more affectively. I know I would be devastated, but I still think it helps to know the truth. If there is no OW, then I can assume my H is just really depressed, possibly MLC. Knowing this, I think I would feel differently as well. Be friendlier with him and have more patience.

I would love to hear from others that are separated, where spouse is having an affair or is not. And any techniques that they feel has really helped them to get positive feedback or has caused the WAS to slow down the break-up process.

[mb28]

It's true the weekends are slow

[Cadet]

I went dark yesterday, and wouldn’t return any of H phone calls or texts.

Good!

Have you read this:
This is the detach link:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

If you want to slow down the process my suggestion is to do the above. Give your H space. At least act like it for him. Stop the calling, texting, e-mails.
Also do you work? Can your H afford two households?

[mb28]

OldPilot,

Thanks for the detach link, it's very insightful.

I have done really well at not contacting him the last few days. In fact I don't return all his phone calls or texts.

I do work full time. I've tried to offer making a budget with him so we can afford for him to get his own apartment. But it would be tight, and he doesn't think it will work. He wants to either sell the house at a loss or see if mortgage company will work with one of us at lowering the payment so that one of us can keep the house. He wants me to keep the house, but I'm not sure if I want too. I told him I needed time to make that kind of decision. He has called the mortgage company, and I guess they are sending us information about that in the mail.

The last few times we have talked about our M (just a few days ago). He said he was done, there was nothing between us, and the ILYBNILWY speech. Not sure if there is OW or not, but I would like to find out, there is a lot of suspicous behaviour to that going on.

[Cadet]

I am not an expert on the OW thing. Puppydogtails I think is the expert from what I hear. If there is an OW then you really need to go dark.
If you suspect it is a MLC I can give you links about that. Depression is one of the main ingredients of a MLC. It is not a quick fix. MLC can go on for up to 10 years.

One last thing If you think there is an OW , you are probably right.

[mb28]

OldPilot,
That is one reason I want to find if there is OW or not. If it's a MLC/depression, like I first thought then I think I need to treat it differently.

I'm thinking that knowing what your dealing with, either OW or MLC would change the way you react or treat them.

I'm thinking that if it's OW, going dark and really moving on is the best

If its MLC, I think being more friendly and understanding is the move.

I just don't know what to do.