Finding thanks and gratitude

[catfan]

So a bit more than a month since my last post. I seem to go in spurts I guess. The latest on my relationship is that on NYE, well NYD since it was 2 am, we broke up. It was bittersweet in so many ways but not a "done" type of break up. Lots of discussion was about how we felt about one another. But the key part was how she really needed to continue on the healing path. There clearly is deep, deep caring in both of us and we even talked about it. For me, it's love plain and simple. For her, I don't think she can see it that deeply yet because she can't see past the drama of her own situation right now. She really wants to and even said so. She wants to be healthy, wants to have someone but also wants some freedom to be herself. Baggage from the previous marriage where he wouldn't let her be herself too much.

We've continually talked, texted, IMed and such but only every few days. She really was in a bad, bad place emotionally and needed to focus on herself. But after 3 weeks she's starting to find some footing which is nice to see.

Tonight she stopped by to see a framed picture I have in the living room. I bought it back in October when we were visiting my brother. I recently had it framed and she wanted to see it. From there we went to a friend's going away party and had a great time. People noticed the connection we still have and commented to me on it. Give it time was a common bit of advice.

So here I am, sitting at home thinking how much stronger my heart is today. How much that strength is making letting go of someone you love, easier to do. I find myself doing DBing things without even thinking about it, without even having that agenda. That's nice to see in myself, nice to see I have that kind of strength again. Side note, while driving home on NYE after our 2 hour discussion I was full of this joyful, loving feeling. I thought how odd it was to feel so good after that discussion. I left that discussion knowing how much I cared for her and she for me.

I won't lie, I hope we find ourselves together again. Shoot she even said that to me last week. I'm not sitting here praying and desperate for reconnection. But reconnecting sure would be nice.

A friend reminded me again, it's all a timing thing. How true that really is, how true.

Now to really let the cat out of the bag. Before this all started to unravel back in late November I started thinking much further ahead then her. I had come to the decision that if we kept on the very positive path that were were on that I'd start bring up the life together subject in the spring. Yes the thought and vision of being married to her crossed my mind. Not something that would happen in the near term but I could see us together long term. Now a month and a half later there are things I look back on and realize she may have started to see that in me and us. I have been wondering if that was a part of the catalyst for her backing away for now. Hmm...

Well to follow my mother's advice, "Catfan, if you really like her, take it slow. Take it slow so she can catch up to you. No need to rush things. If she likes you, she'll be back." It's a timing thing and hopefully I can be strong enough so our timing does become right.