Looking for Advice

[Deep]

Hi GW, hope you won't mind me popping in on a different tangent. I skimmed through the last 5 pages or so and a couple of things popped out to me.

Whatever approach the vets here have on dealing with WAS, there a few things that seem to be generally agreed upon. 1 of them is to hold onto your nuts, self-respect, whatever you may choose to call it. Others include setting boundaries with consequences, being the best you you can be - someone anyone would LOVE to be M to, and LIVING that (it's not enough to just act like it, you gotta believe it, and live it). Pretty basic right?

This is not a swipe at you, but I really think you need to take a step back and re-read your own thread. How do you think you sound? Not very attractive at best, pathetic at worst. You seem weak, waffling, indecisive, letting fear and W's reaction rule most of your actions, unwilling to confront some violations of boundaries etc.

Be the man you need to be, that she neds you to be, and leave it to God whether she has the discernment to see reality over time. I feel your pain and I do feel for you.

Look, in my own sitch, there was a time when my W was convinced she felt absolutely nothing for me and did not want a future of feeling nothing for the man she was gonan be with. Stupidly, I thought I was being strong when I told her it would definitely come back, that we can both work at it, that we were such soulmates.

These are really just my own personal views and I could be 100% off but I think you could include some of the following in future communications (depending on decisions you may take on your M). I think tough love and implementing some of the Gucci / Robx approaches will help.

- Restate your boundaries to W. Tell her the onus is on HER to convince you because she strayed. Ignore the blame and angst that will come your way. Just state the tough truth. Say you KNOW she had lied and you will not tolerate being lied to and full and total exposure will be a natural consequence in future.
- Ask for a a detailed transparency plan.
- Tell W you want the M and family. You will not however be the supplicant or a doormat and have no interest in being with anyone who feels nothing for you. Her current fog is due to OM and confusion and you want to see her make the effort to come out of it. You are not in this M to be a room-mate or co-parent - you can do that as effectively divorced.
- Create doubt and crisis in her mind. Give her a strong version of the Robx "I get it" spiel. Tell her you are starting to understand how she feels because frankly, you are not sure how you feel about her any more either. Her behaviour and disrespect makes her extremely unattractive.

Drop the rope - stop obsessing about whether what you do could push her away / drive her towards OM. I'm not saying be mean - just stand up for what is right, for what you believe in for your M, and let her make her own decisions and take the consequences, point being that you MUST live as a person willing to let her take the full brunt of her choices.

Edit: Oh, and about OM. Just shake your head disbelievingly at her and tell her she is beyond disrespectful to even suggest that at all. I'm sure if it's all that innocent, she would have no problem in full expsoure of the EA and that future contact to OMW, OM family, your family, and the work environment.