Lotus - I also want to thank you for checking in on me reguarly lately also - I have really needed it
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Hi GW.. Have been off the boards with a busy few days and wow, lots of catching up to do on your sitch!
I'm glad you got thru it, and Lotus is right... you were able to have a calm, honest discussion and that is important. So, now she knows where you stand. You get back to DBing and working on YOU and being the better option.
You are down because you are grieving your old M. No matter what happens, your M will not be the same. It might be better than ever! But, what was will be gone. And, that is a loss. Let yourself feel that. But, then make a choice to move forward for yourself and your girls. What your wife is describing... feeling nothing... is very common for WAS. It does not mean it will stay that way forever.
Even though I think were getting back on track GW, I still grieve for what I have lost, each day I tell myself that the new will be better and some days its easier to convince myself than others.
I know youre stuck in a land where you cant believe the words that come out of MrsGW's mouth, but we have been there and we know how much devastation, hurt and pain you feel, which is why we are all compelled to look after each whilst others are going through the same. We all thought we would never hear positive utterances come out of our S's mouths but they will and do eventually.
I hope the rest of you day has become more settled and you have got a better view of the discussion you had last night, be proud that you didnt lose it and make it worse take that as your biggest baby step. You do seem a nice chap and we are all here to keep supporting you what ever happens.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Rocked/Lost - really, having a calm/honest discussion about R/future is important...I thought we should be avoiding that. And I sure don't feel any better after that. I wonder if I just sent her deeper undercover with OM, she told me more than once she didn't want to come across as cruel, but it is cruel. I did not get her to say she would work on us, not even for the kids. And although she didn't realize, what might have been the biggest blow was the fact that me doing so well with the girls just makes her angry. I tried a couple of times to say I can't change the past only the future and she says she understands that, but won't stop dragging up the past.
So yes, I am still down today. Been very busy at work, but that hasn't helped either. Very down today. I am grieving my old M. And I'm grieving possibly no new M. Yes there is a lot of pain today but there wasn't last night, must have been too on edge to let it sink in. It also hurts to hear there is research she has done that she doesn't want me to see and that she won't leave on her computer...if that is true vice her not wanting me to see e-mails from OM that she claims do not exist. And I don't know that they do. She did tell me that what I had her do with facebook prevents her from seeing anything of his and vice versa...and I take that as is implying she tried.
I didn't lose it last night, stayed calm/raionale/friendly. But I don't know if I made it worse or not. I might have pushed her further away just from having those discussions and I did put here on the spot more than once about OM.
Lastly, she never did explain to me the calls to tracfone, but she gave me the phone. I wonder if I should remind her she still owes me an explanation or let it go, since she gave me the phone (at least until she decides to buy another one...)
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
If you can avoid R talks all the better but some times you just cant wiggle your way outta one because of some thing important, so you did your best to handle what got thrown at you in a calm, and sensible manner, you cant make it any worse than it is so stop beating yourself up for doing your best.
Yes you will have rattled her cage and yes she will pull back and think about things making you feel like you have messed up, but that isnt necessarily the case.. I use the same technique now when I need to draw H in, before I would have lost it and made things worse, its far more effective for me to withdraw and wait, come on your in the military you know how to stalk your prey dont you! Sometimes you just need to keep a watchful eye on them and dont spook them into running away, well thats all you have to do right now. This is after all psychological warfare at its best, ok the fact MrsGW is in the military too makes it a bit more like battleships you both know youre playing but you cant see the other ones armoury. Just dont go on the defensive thats a big mistake,keep that bright cheery GAL'ing MrGW looking and being his best.
Were nearly at the weekend so what have you got planned for then?
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
GW, I understand. The grieving is difficult, old M and possibly no new marrige. You will be OK.
I have similar difficulties with the STBXW continuously bringing up the past. It seems to me that it is script for them, and justification for their actions with the A, a way to ease their own guilt and pain. It sounds like you are not getting transparency, did she agree to totally clean? If not, I bet she is still cake eating with OM.
I can't read all 40 pages of your sitch. I see from the beginning Greek was telling you to contact OM's W. Did that happen? If not, it still needs to. You wife will not change for you. She will change when she gets dumped by OM. And yes, she'll be angry. But that wears off, as does the whole affair thing. Only then, when OM explains reality to her, will she come out of the fog.
Hate to say it, my friend, but Dane is probably right. However, having said that, no sense obsesssing about it, because there is nothing you can do about it. That is where emotionally detaching comes in.
You were in a position where a R talk needed to happen due to the job sitch. So, it happened and you handled yourself calmly. Good job! It is very hard to do that when you are hurting and afraid for the future of your M and family.
Now, you get back on track. You originally set a boundary about no contact, which she agreed to, did she not? Because of that, you do have the right to bring it up, ask about whether that boundary is being violated or not...
...But.... you need to keep in mind, the more you keep pushing these things, the more likely she is to be pushed away.
When/if you need to raise the boundary issues about NC, you need to state them calmly and then not continue to nag/harp on the issue. Then, move on to your 180's, GALing, being the better option so she can see there is something amazing she would miss out on if she chooses to leave this M.
The last thing I want to mention is... of course you are down. I always found an emotional response would follow a R talk in the middle of my sitch. That is b/c your W is not the W you have known and loved all these years. When they become a WAS and have become wrapped up in any form of A, they are like an alien. It is so sad, and there is such a sense of loss for us. so, give yourself permission to feel it. It passes, you find your legs again and get back on the horse and keep going. You find the motivation for your kids, who need you to do this. And you will. You are strong, my friend. You have proved it over and over and over. And you will prove it again.
Lotus/Rocked - about breaking the boundary of no contact...I don't have proof. I know she did, but I can't prove she did. She claims she didn't/isn't. The boundary I set was no contact, if she did then I would contact OM's wife. So i brought it up, tried to pull it out of her, tried every trick, she admitted to nothing. She gave up the tracphone, I watched her get it to make sure she didn't erase anything. There was no evidence on there. So I guess now I need to just move on...not contiue to nag/harp.
Thanks Rocked for the words of encouragement. I am feeling down still, hopefully not showing. There was one long meeting today we both attended. I certainly wasn't cheerful but I tried hard not to look/act down. Even shared a couple of notes (work related) during the meeting and she asked me to pass on some info to her which I did (again all work related). I suspect I was only mildly successful today as even I can read her face/mannerisms today and it too isn't as happy--don't know if that is lack of sleep (she too was tossing/turning last night I heard it as I wasn't sleeping), drain from the discussion, or fact she lost her phone, or just the stress of possibly having to make some of those tough decisions if I leave for Hawaii in 30 days (gosh I still hope not).
There is also an opportunity to poke fun at her again for volunteering me to give a briefing instead of her, but right now, I will probably just stay away from that. Not sure, but I'm not feeling in a joke around mood, if I did it, it would be at the house.
One last thought to pass on. One of the things that still hurts me is all the acting at work. People always making comments about us, saying things like you are so lucky to have her, gosh those hurt to hear and then I have to agree and smile and such. Those things tear at me.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
I don't see it now, but I think it was in your post that you asked if you should continue saying good morning and good night and other little niceties. Without a doubt, yes. Once you lose those things it is almost impossible to bring them back. Keep all the niceties you can in your relationship.
