Flushing the toxins from my life

[CountingCrows]

Hearing is at 1:30pm today. W has said she won't sign the order unless there is something added in writing providing at least a token gesture of spousal support. Couldn't discuss it with my lawyer yesterday (death in his family), so I'm hoping to talk to him this morning to get his advice.

More than anything, I'm so deeply sad that after today, there will be absolutely no chance for W and I to ever have a chance at a R again. I know that's an illogical thought, and that I need to move beyond those hopes anyway, but it's just the way I feel right now.

Just hoping to be able to keep myself together in court today.

[Awoken]

Hey CC, just checking to see how the hearing went today. Hope you are doing ok.

[CountingCrows]

Yeah, I'm hanging in there. We went to our hearing yesterday, which was mostly a parenting conference with about 30 other couples. The place was packed! After listening to the judge for about 30 minutes talk about the effects of divorce on children, we watched a 15 minute video. W got there very late (imagine that), literally 30 seconds before the judge called our names during roll-call. I made a spot on the bench and we sat together. A few minutes into it, she took my hand and held it for most of the proceeding. I know that both of us really do want what's best for S7.

Once that was over, my lawyer joined us and asked W if she was going to sign the temporary order, and she said "No, not as it's written right now". He had her sign something else that set up the next scheduled hearing and told us that if we could come to an agreement before that date (in early Feb), that we wouldn't have to go to the hearing.

I'm still trying to figure out some way that I can appease her enough to get that order signed. I really just want this done, without having to return to court and continue to burn money on my lawyer. I think I'm really close, but need to sit down and talk to her some more about it.

[rockedworld]

Hi CC,

Was thinking about how things were going for you. You sound like you are hanging in there ok. Before talking to W, make sure you are clear with yourself what your non-negotiables are... you don't want to get pulled in emotionally and end up agreeing to something you can't live with. You can work together but be strong for you and S7. You have been handling this amazingly well! You can do this too. take care of yourself!

[CountingCrows]

Thanks RW! I think that I'm really close to coming up with a agreeable negotiation by working out a deal with the truck she drives. This is a great concern of mine anyway, since she will retain the truck, but I am financially responsible for it in every way. If she agrees, I will pay off the truck and have it transferred in to her name.

Although it will cost me about $4K, it is still a win/win for both of us. I won't have to worry about getting payments from her each month for truck/insurance (or being the bad guy and taking the truck if she fails to pay), and she gets a clear-titled asset out of the deal. I expect to receive confirmation of the agreement by tomorrow, which would be a wonderful 45th birthday present.

[rockedworld]

That sounds like a great plan CC. You seem to be very level-headed about your sitch at this point, which, considering how much you are probably hurting, is pretty amazing.

Well, happy birthday for tomorrow! I hope you treat yourself very well. You absolutely deserve it!

[Awoken]

Again, your a good man CC. I too, think you are being "level-headed". I'm trying to imagine myself holding hands with my W during court, and I hope I can get to the place where I can.

Happy 45th bday,I hope you and S7 have a great time celebrating it together.

[CountingCrows]

Level headed? Hmmm...I have to believe that this is true, although I really feel more like a bobble-head on the dash of a car racing down a dirt road.

This is all so painful, so strange, so stressful. In the past week, my emotions are so close to the surface that I have nearly no control over my tears. A brief thought, a few notes of a song, the sound of distant thunder...all trigger uncontrollable flooding. I barely feel that I'm holding it together most of the time.

But, I'm trying to be objective, rational and not allow my emotions to control decisions that will ultimately affect S7. I'm trying to be the best man I can be, demonstrating respect and even love in a time when it would be easier to go the opposite direction.

I really don't want to be W's "friend". It's the last thing that I want right now. I want to be her HUSBAND and everything that entails. But for now, that's not my choice, and even if it was, it's not the healthy thing for me or S7 at this time. W and I have to go back to the beginning again...becoming friends, (re)establishing trust in each other and discovering independence within ourselves.

Gotta go pick up S7. I'll be back later.

[CountingCrows]

Oh yeah...have I mentioned that I quit my 1.5 pack-a-day smoking habit the morning of Jan 5th? Why the hell I picked this time in my life to do this, I'll never know!! So far, though, so good. I haven't cheated once. I'm using nothing but nicotine gum, mint Lifesavers and sheer willpower.

After 20+ years of smoking, I quit 8 years ago, when my W was pregnant with S7 (something she was unable to do), but I started back 2 summers ago when I found out W had been smoking during "girl's night out". After I found a hidden pack, I was being a smart-ass and asked her for one, then within 2 days picked them back up like I had never stopped. Meanwhile, prices shot up like a rocket and complaints from S7 became more frequent. W ended up smoking the same amount as before PLUS chewing $40 worth of nic gum every few weeks. She had quit smoking cigs a few years after S7 was born, but never kicked the nic gum habit.

After W left around Halloween, I was relegated to smoking by myself out in the garage. Not much fun, but the stress of the separation seemed to make them burn in seconds. I guess I finally decided that if I waited until it was the "right time" to quit, I'd never do it. Now that S7 and I are on the team alone, I realize more than ever that I want to be here on earth for him as long as I possibly can. Talk about incentive! It's what keeps me going...just like before when I knew he was coming.

I'm not going to be "That Guy", and I can't really say anything, because I KNOW how addictive they are, but I really wish that W could put them down again. She was very sick with bronchitis for over 10 consecutive weeks this Fall/Winter, and although the smoking probably didn't cause it...it certainly didn't make her recovery very quick or easy. Right now, as "destitute" as she's been since she moved out, she still seems to find a way to continue smoking.

Anyway...I'm happy to be going into my 45th year as a former-smoker. I am very proud of myself and have gained confidence and self-esteem in my ability to let something go that I truly love SO much (even though it's SO bad for me)...HMMMMMM???!!!...think that this philosophy could be applied towards other things in my life?! Perhaps!

[Awoken]

Yes! Bobble-head is what I feel like too.

Still, level headed does not equate unemotional, or even lacking deep emotions. I think it's the true measure what choices you make even when you are assailed by deep grief, sadness, pain, and heartbreak.

wow, you said it great here:

I'm trying to be objective, rational and not allow my emotions to control decisions that will ultimately affect S7. I'm trying to be the best man I can be, demonstrating respect and even love in a time when it would be easier to go the opposite direction.

Congrats on quitting smoking. Thats some real GAL.
You are doing so many good things CC. Your thread is often good for me to read; your love of S7 shines through, and your compassion for W too. I've lost some of the compassion I had for my W over our 18 years, as I've grown tired, and I'm sure that has contributed to our problems. It's good that you are holding on to it, but focusing on what is best for your and D7. Of course that compassion for W is good for D7 too.

Hang in there and keep your bobble head steady.