I am wondering if she is having some type of social anxiety attacks. You talked about how she hardly ever got outside the house, and then she had that anxiety attack when she was driving. I remember how I felt like I was about to have a nervous break-down at times.

It is most important that she respect you. Do not be a doormat. She will cake eat every opportunity she has and you must not allow her to do that. She wants you in her life as her best friend. She says she loves you but at the same time, she can't stand you. Man does that bring back memories! She needs to realize that you will not be there for her if she does not drop OM instantly. She must realize that you will not be her friend. Can you handle that?

You said the two of you were suppose to have a boundary talk. Does that mean you have mentioned having a boundary talk to her? This is not something you "warn" her about....you just approach her with it.

You say, "When you _____________, I feel ____________. If you continue to ______________, then I will ____________. It is about what you will live with and what you won't. Right now she needs to know what you will not tolerate. Her actions are very disrespectful. She can give you 100 reasons why she got into Internet activity but it still does not justify what she's done.

She is addicted just like a drug addict. She doesn't love OM, but she wants the romance. He simply wants to get into her pants and that's why he's pushing her so hard to "be with her". He's even telling her he doesn't think he can hang on much loner. What she doesn't know...is how many OW he had on the Internet that he's telling the same stuff he's telling your W. But, she won't listen to any of that from you. So, you need to know exactly what you will say to her and stick only to the boundaries and don't get into a R talk. Don't even wait for her to respond. You state what you expect, and then walk away.

The most important part of a boundary is the consequenses. If you can't enforce a consequence to the boundary, then don't waste your breath. You want her to stop all manner of contact with OM (and no tapering off b/c that doesn't work). If she is willing to work on the M then she will stop the EA and show you her emails, TM, calls, etc. A wife should not have anything to hide from her H.

If she is not willing to stop all contact right this minute, then you tell her that you will pack her bags and send them to her parents with or without her but that you will not live in a M where there is a third party in the R. Just b/c it has not gone to a PA does not mean it isn't an A and you don't listen to the bull she give you about it. You will have to be strong not to get sucked into a R talk from her. Stick to the boundary/consequense.

What I would not tell her is that if she isn't willing to do as you state in the boundary, and you send her to her parents.....is that when you send her, you tell her father about the EA.....man to man. If he is a man of honor, then he should respect you for the action you take. Just don't say anything ugly about his daughter. State the facts and leave it at that.

She sounds a lot like I was and I can't help but feel sorry for her....but I also know that you will have to deal with her in tough love. She is like a rebellious teenager with you.


Last edited by sandi2; 01/22/10 12:18 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!