Looking backward but only to move forward SEVEN

[Underdog]

Hey Sage and OT! Long time no see! I haven't been here in 2 years and for a specific but totally unrelated reason, I thought I would check to see if there were still any old pals here. I read up on your posts and then it just nailed why I was urged to check up.

Whitelight has a point, Sweetie. (OT's observations are a given...) Oddly enough, we're visiting the anger issue in my house and it's brought up a slew of very uncomfortable issues and observations. It's my D15 (who will be 16 a month from tomorrow... yikes!) who is having trouble with this very issue.

Sage, here's what we've discussed. Maybe you'll find something here you can use? Anger is there to tell you that there is a disconnect between what you say and do and how you feel. It is also a call to change to get everything reconnected again.

Are you angry because you're here again? Because it seems like it is almost always YOU who has to clean up messes that aren't always yours? Because you are going through the motions for the betterment of others when it is clearly NOT good for you?

I had to outright call my D15 emotionally dishonest. She won't let on to anyone that she's acting in a fashion that pleases them but she feels isn't the best path for her. So pretty much everyone constantly asks her if she's angry with them. She glosses over, hems and haws and basically spews an untruth so she doesn't hurt feelings. This was a reality check for her and she very much disliked hearing that label of being emotionally dishonest.

Let's talk about the elephant in the living room, shall we? You're basically afraid of what he might say or do if you open up and say what you're feeling... right? What if you stopped taking your story to a conclusion you fear and just tackle the issue of living a disingenuous life by calmly having a discussion with him about the issues? I do not mean the blame game, but one where you just let him know how you're feeling about the items on your gripe list. Hint: start by owning the feeling and just put it out there. Something just tells me that if you are honest with him, just maybe some of this anger will dissipate and you will be a whole lot more open to scheduling in-house dates and having an affair with your H.

One other thing. It is NOT unrealistic for you to have expectations of help in your household. Even if you stay home now, you should not be expected to be the emotional thermostat in your marriage. Having children is no easy task, and that's why God gave kids 2 parents. But you truly need to work on communication with him, or you're not going to get very far except the ability to play the martyr. When you're doing it all to please everyone else (and I will clearly omit Charlotte here because she is a toddler), then it's time to step up to the plate, swing that bat and ask for help.

Look at it this way, if you were divorced, the court would ORDER him to carry his share of the load. Why should you accept less than that when you're not?

Big hugs to you, sweet lady. You deserve happiness, Sage. You owe it to yourself to prioritize YOUR feelings and let him know that all is not well in your world without having to resort to passive-aggressive and non-communicative behaviors that will get you absolutely nowhere.

For the record, my D15 is listening to that audio CD set I recommended some years back (Transcending Your Anger by Fr. Tom Allender). She's feeling overwhelmed with the material presented; my job is to help her as she sorts out all the information so she can turn it into action. It's messy, but she has to do the work. The best thing you can do for Charlotte is to teach her how to do it. Grab that bat and get going!

Take care and hope that spring comes soon for you! Happy new year to all of you--

Betsey