Hate to say it, my friend, but Dane is probably right. However, having said that, no sense obsesssing about it, because there is nothing you can do about it. That is where emotionally detaching comes in.
You were in a position where a R talk needed to happen due to the job sitch. So, it happened and you handled yourself calmly. Good job! It is very hard to do that when you are hurting and afraid for the future of your M and family.
Now, you get back on track. You originally set a boundary about no contact, which she agreed to, did she not? Because of that, you do have the right to bring it up, ask about whether that boundary is being violated or not...
...But.... you need to keep in mind, the more you keep pushing these things, the more likely she is to be pushed away.
When/if you need to raise the boundary issues about NC, you need to state them calmly and then not continue to nag/harp on the issue. Then, move on to your 180's, GALing, being the better option so she can see there is something amazing she would miss out on if she chooses to leave this M.
The last thing I want to mention is... of course you are down. I always found an emotional response would follow a R talk in the middle of my sitch. That is b/c your W is not the W you have known and loved all these years. When they become a WAS and have become wrapped up in any form of A, they are like an alien. It is so sad, and there is such a sense of loss for us. so, give yourself permission to feel it. It passes, you find your legs again and get back on the horse and keep going. You find the motivation for your kids, who need you to do this. And you will. You are strong, my friend. You have proved it over and over and over. And you will prove it again.
