My resentment toward her was really misdirecting and avoiding resenting myself. Could it be that whenever we resent anyone, we are really resenting ourselves, our own failure to address that which produced the resentment: our own inaction
Yes. That's true. Stosney talks about this a great deal in his book 'Love Without Hurt'.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I’m doing fine, thank you for checking on me. No problems, nothing new.
Don’t worry about me feeling resentful. That was fleeting, I was over it by the time I was done typing the post. I am aware that I didn’t speak up; it was easier to say nothing and I know that was my fault. I did that for several years- of course, the other option was walking away back then. At the time, staying seemed like the better choice for more than one reason. Maybe it wasn’t, but I thought it was at the time. I’ll know better next time.
As to why the IC appt. was uneventful- she asked if I was upset about the assault- no; upset at H- no; any pressing issues with being on my own- no. I gave her the highlights of what’s happened over the last couple months, and see her again in a month.
Conversations with H are pretty much limited to kid stuff and an occasional pleasantry. Example- He noticed I wasn’t feeling well when he picked up D17 last Sunday, and sent a text later that night to check on me. I haven’t talked to him yet about starting D paperwork, that’s coming up, don’t know when just yet. I’m in no rush, I guess.
And I’m surprising myself- I hardly think about H during my day, like wonder what he’s up to, what he’s feeling, why did he take the path that he did, etc. It’s easy since he leaves me alone. If they crop up, just file those kind of thoughts away in the memory banks and let them collect dust.
My IC and a friend both said I looked strong, calm and relieved. That surprised me because I don’t feel like that. But I’m not falling apart and I’m not depressed, either. I’m not really feeling anything one way or the other. I’m just here. Nothing seems real and I don’t feel settled yet, even though it’s been almost two months since I moved. That just takes time, I know.
That’s enough rambling for tonight, I'm tired. Good night all.
I'm barely breaking even financially after moving out, I might even be a bit underwater. I appreciate H keeping me on the health insurance and the cell phone plan, otherwise I definitely would be underwater on my own. The point that is upsetting is knowing that he is doing much better financially by getting rid of me- well, he should, he makes three times as much without three times the expenses. And he still has his house, his bed, the bulk of the furniture, and the kids 85% of the time. What is he out so far?- half the savings account (which doesn't hurt him- he got a huge distribution from his dad's estate a couple months ago), the living room set, the kitchen table, and me, my issues and my rabbit. He already replaced the kitchen table with a nicer one- and we were looking for a new table last summer and never got it, now he did. So he can move on quite easily without me, and do better in the process. He's the one who insisted on bringing other people into our marriage, and he comes out on top. Must be nice to be the king- f*** him!
I know, the financial picture changes a little when we get official dissolution papers. But I don't understand- I'm not a fog-headed, entitled WAW expecting her H to move out and pay out the nose for her upkeep and his. How do those women justify it? My H cheated a couple of times (OK, not a major philanderer, but still- not cool), twisted my reality, and I move out, save him the heartache of leaving and try to take care of myself. He wins and the diva WAWs win. I don't understand.
I'm sorry- please disregard. 2x4's not needed- I am thankful that I can take care of myself, and I know I'm lucky to have a roof over my head and a car to get me around. I think I'm just a little angry at H.
D17 helped me pick put the dog yesterday- we had a blast, and I think this may help get her more comfortable being at the apartment also. I told her if we get the dog, she would have to stop by everyday after school to let the dog out so she can do her business. I'm not home until after 6:30 so that's a long day for the dog to be alone. She readily agreed, and is looking forward to it. I hope she keeps up that attitude. But she is committed, she loves the dog. (I didn't even think about the dog being a bonding experience when I first considered it, that was a benefit I realized later.)
D17 asked a question yesterday about the dog- what happens if I move back home because H doesn't allow dogs or cats. My Mom jumped in (we were talking about it at her house) and said that H would have to learn to compromise about it- and then made a point of saying that I would have to compromise also. OK, that seemed to satisfy D17. The real answer is that I'm not moving home, so what H does or doesn't allow won't be an issue. I didn't say anything about that, but it's going to come up eventually. I feel that if H is done, and never really planned on re-evaluating in a few months like we said, he can be the one to say so to the kids and the rest of his family. Although he did say he would try talking again this spring if that was something that I really wanted to do. I appreciate that, but it felt like that was the wrong attitude. It won't work if he's doing it only because I want to, he has to want it too.
Chester is still stomping his feet in his cage and making his displeasure known- you can hear those loud stomps through the whole house! I'm sure he'll get over it with extra love and bunny treats. Hopefully, he'll like having another animal friend around.
Congratulations on the new dog. That is a wonderful idea. My dog is named Jazmine, too. Chester is right, though. Don't ever let the dog get near him out of the cage. My last dog killed my son's rabbit right in front of him. It''s been 15 years, and I think he would still cry if he thought about it again.
