Just want my H back

[hhh]

Hi all - please help. I would love to think about resuming, if possible, a friendship w my H. What is the best way to do this?

I just wrote him a sample letter (along the lines of Dobson) about him being 'free to go'. It felt a bit liberating although I am still so sad about the unraveling of our M. Don't plan to send, just wrote down. I know I cannot hold him against his will. I just need to stop the self-blame cycle which is so destructive. Lately I've felt like such a bad person, about the hurting things I did and said. That's a hard pill to swallow when you examine things about yourself that you really don't like.

[pearlharbr]

(((hhh)))

I'm not sure I'm the right person to respond to this question, but I'll take a stab at it.

What do you hope to get from this friendship with H? And do you think you'll get it from the person H is now? From our previous convo and early in this thread I know that H has changed a lot since going to business school. Remember that this is who is now, not the same person you married. Do you like this person? Is this who you want to be friends with?

My take is that you want to be friends so you can show him how much you've changed and somehow convince him to reconcile. You know that's not how it works. You trying to make him see you differently is still controlling--you were wrong to leave, I want you to come back. It's about what you want and not about what he wants. You're entitled to your feelings and your desires but you cannot dictate to him what his feelings and desires should be. I know it's painful and it's not fair, but if H doesn't want to have any type of R with you right now then that's that.

You can ask him out to coffee or whatever but I think you're just setting yourself up for more heartache. Either he will decline the invitation or he'll show up and you'll struggle the entire time with not discussing the R or worse, you'll bring it up and hear more things you don't want to hear.

Some people need to hit rock bottom before starting the journey upwards. If you are the type of person who needs to feel that you tried everything, right or wrong, then go ahead. But keep in mind that it IS pursuing behavior and most likely will just push H away further. But maybe then you'll be able to get back to focusing on yourself.

Why do you hesitate to send H the letter telling him he's free to go? Because you don't really want to let go? The fact is that he is already gone. H knows that you're holding on so you're going to be his safety net if he ever decides he needs one.

Work on really, truly letting him go because you know that you deserve love and respect and won't put up with people in your life who treat you with anything less. I know it's trite, but if he can't value you for who you are then he doesn't deserve you. And I know that there are others out there who will. You're smart, beautiful, fun, and have your act together--total package.

I know it's not what you wanted to hear but I hope something in the rambling above helped a little bit.

[hhh]

Pearl,
This is great, thank you, and did help. I have been hurting more in these past few days than I have in a long time. I think perhaps b/c I know my move is upcoming and it's getting real, really real to move on. And dating a few frogs as of late only makes H seem all the better.

The one thing I really struggle with is "do I deserve love and respect" etc? B/c I was really awful to him at times. I feel that. And i feel that i got what i deserved when he left. He used to threaten that he would leave and he did, and i feel like i got what was coming, or something. I think my self-esteem is just in a really low place right now. And he's a different person but I feel like he's done w party stage and has his act together now in a mature, confident way (he just doesnt want me as part of that). He;s changed a lot, but in some ways for the better as a more confident person and less of a doormat (as he was at times during our marriage). In some ways he's now become more the man I wanted him to be. that is a hard pill to swallow.

It would be easier if he was still a total jerk, but I still see him as a really good person with a big heart and such a good husband...so i do feel like i pushed him away and don't deserve him, not the other way around. Somehow I've come to believe that he was justified in leaving, that I broke him down over the years, and this is payback time for me.

I need to let him go. I need to let him go. The hardest part is thinking that it was my fault, which also presents me from feeling like I will find love again.

Maybe it would be really empowering and freeing to send him the letter at some point in near future. You are right, he is already gone.

[pearlharbr]

It would be easier if he was still a total jerk, but I still see him as a really good person with a big heart and such a good husband...so i do feel like i pushed him away and don't deserve him, not the other way around.

If he was a really good person, would he have just walked away, used you financially but never be willing to work on the marriage? I'm not saying he's evil, but I don't think he's the saint you're envisioning him to be now. I think that's just your guilt talking. Try writing down all the good things and all the bad things he's done to you this past year. Making an objective list may help you see things from a different perspective.

Stop beating yourself up. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe you did push him away. But you started working on yourself and wanted to work on things, he just wanted to take the easy way out. Continue to be someone who is willing to work on the hard stuff. When you deal with your guilt, you'll see that you do deserve another chance at love and it will come.

[avermont]

[/quote]The one thing I really struggle with is "do I deserve love and respect" etc? B/c I was really awful to him at times. I feel that. And i feel that i got what i deserved when he left. [quote]

Ahg, there goes my heart and stomach. I am still struggling with the guilt and "this is all my fault." I DID treat X very badly. No wonder he walked!

Trying to think of balance-I wasn't all bad, I wasn't, I wasn't..

But I am with you in this particular pain, hhh.

[hhh]

Morning.
Woke up with another pit in my stomach. Hard to get H out of my head these days and I find myself writing him letters, jotting down thoughts on paper. I read Pearl's bit in "Piecing" and it SO resondated with me...that is how I felt a lot of my marriage, and the indecisiveness/what elese is out there. My biggest problem I am convinced was though simply in marrying too young, it wasn't so much H I doubted but I hadn't had that much life experience yet (and now see it this way more clearly).

I know I blamed a lot of issues on H that were my own, but within the parameters of a relationship my entire adult life, i did not see that as such. There were times before we got engaged that I wanted to take a break, but I was not strong enough at the time to do it. I firmly believe if we had taken time apart them - and I had learned what I've learned across this past year - we would have moved on to have a wonderful relationship. But I was always a little bitter/resentful that I never had 'me' time before we got married, and it manifested itself in my marriage and prevented me from really being present as a partner should. That is one of the biggest learnings I have garnered from this experience.

I wish I could communicate this to H. Well I have in so many words and he just says "well you should have taken the time then" but i was still in a weak place after dad died and would entail moving jobs and cities and I also felt like he wouldn't wait for me, I didn't want to take the risk. But it would have been so much safer then without all the water under the bridge now that H has trouble looking beyond.

I want to tell him how much I've learned about myself and grown - well of course I have - but he can't seem to see past this. I ask for forgiveness and try to remind him of the good times. What more can I do? He asks how is it that I NOW realize all this stuff? And the answer is that i've had the time on my own to objectively and critically look at myself in a way that I was not able to in a relationship. Shouldn't that be good enough?

What else can I do? A letter to him perhaps explaining this, with at the end letting him know that he is free to go if he so chooses. He seems to avoid most of my attempts to reach out.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I had spoken to his friend months ago, or his mother, or someone to express the sincerity 0 but not dsperation - of my thoughts. Have someone help us, a 3rd party, or something. All I seem to be able to do is write my thoughts down on paper. I'd like him to read some of them, but I know it might seem pursuing.

It may not matter anymore to him. But I'm afraid I'll be haunted by this my whole life, as I was within my marriage that I should have always had 'me' time before...now I fear I will be obsessing with the fact that I didn't take it then ruined my M. Help!

[LookingFrAnswers]

(((((H))))
I'm sorry I haven't been around much since the new year, not because things are so good, I've just let work spiral out of control. Anyway I've caught up & just want to send you a "hug".

I have been going up & down too. I do feel you are beating yourself up way too much, but I have too & I think we LBSs do it a lot. Our self esteem & egos have taken a real beating. My confidence is shot. One of my goals is to work on this.

Pearl's suggestion is really good. Right now you are feeling down & guilty. I wrestle with this too & get memories of things I did or said wrong. I'll tell you something - I did not marry young - I was 36 when we got married! I had been on my own obviously. And we still had major communication issues. We can't change the past, but marriage is a 50/50 deal. 1 person cannot be totally responsible for its success or failure. Both have to work at it.

I wish I could take your guilt away. I wish I could help you feel better. None of us can really see the past obectively.

H, what could you do that would make you feel like you had done everything you could? Do that. Go ahead & write the letter. Wait a few days then look at & see if you still feel the same way. Post it here for feedback before you send.

But also in your mind, think about the outcome. What if he ignores it, or just says the same thing? Will you feel worse? You can't control what he thinks, says or does. It seems like you feel as though by doing the "right" thing you can change the outcome. I have felt this way too, still do sometimes. But try really hard to always remember, you cannot control anything he does. You can only control you.

I read this on another post, sorry I can't remember whose, "You cannot fix him, you did not break him". H, it seems like you feel responsible for "breaking" him. You didn't!! Whatever you did or didn't do in your R with him, does not justify his behavior or treatment of you. His decision, behavior all that, you have no way of knowing what him motivation is. He may guilt trip you into thinking it was all you, but don't let him! Was he perfect during your M? No one is! Keep talking to your IC about these issues of your past, if she's any good she should be able to help you get a perspective on this.

I'll check in again. Thanks for checking in on my thread. Promise I'll reply soon! Please take care of yourself. I am thinking of you. (((((H))))))
LFA

[trytryagain]

dear hhh...

so much of your story seems similar to my own. my h also can't see us together anymore and wants to separate, while i see the problem as being totally resolvable. i also have realized the things i've done and owned up to my responsibilities in getting us to this place, but when i told him about my "revelation," he, like your h, responded that he didn't want to work on us anymore and that it was too little, too late. i don't think D is the answer...also like you, there has been no infidelity, no abuse, just normal humans making normal mistakes. in any marriage, people will hurt each other, whether intentional or not, and only when you learn to forgive one another and grow stronger and form a deeper bond from these times can you truly experience the joy of marriage. but...there is no telling that to my h. he hasn't moved out yet but says he is looking for an apartment this weekend. meanwhile, sometimes he sleeps on the couch, sometimes on a friend's couch (who also lives in our apt bldg), and it's hard to work on GAL when he is there within arms' reach and all i want to do is tell him things will work out, we will be fine...i feel like it would be EASIER for us to repair the damage we've done to one another and save our marriage than it would be to deal with the long-lasting affects of D. he tried this with me once before, saying he wasn't ready to be married, he was too young (we were 27 when we got M), he didn't want the responsibility, but shortly after did a complete 180 and we went to counseling together to heal that hurt.

the thing that sucks is everyone says, do your steps, GAL, move on...but there is a hole in my heart (which i'm sure you feel also!). i KNOW i will be ok without him, and i KNOW i am worthy of love and all that...i KNOW this wasn't all my fault and that we both got ourselves to this place. but now that i'm aware of what i was doing, like you, i want a chance to change. it hurts so much when both people can see what the problem is, but one person feels like it's just not worth fixing. why on earth did we make a lifetime commitment to each other if 2 years later it ends with, well, we went to counseling for a year and that didn't "fix" us, so i guess we must be permanently broken.

it just feels like drowning. the harder i resist and the more i flounder around, the deeper i sink. i feel guilty. he feels guilty. we have both apologized. so, why can't we forgive and forget - or at least, forgive and forge ahead???

you are not alone, though. i know it feels like it...but you're not.

[flowmom]

my h also can't see us together anymore and wants to separate, while i see the problem as being totally resolvable. i also have realized the things i've done and owned up to my responsibilities in getting us to this place, but when i told him about my "revelation," he, like your h, responded that he didn't want to work on us anymore and that it was too little, too late. i don't think D is the answer...also like you, there has been no infidelity, no abuse, just normal humans making normal mistakes. in any marriage, people will hurt each other, whether intentional or not, and only when you learn to forgive one another and grow stronger and form a deeper bond from these times can you truly experience the joy of marriage. but...there is no telling that to my h.

I'm there too . I wish you the strength to do what you have to do right now. I know how tough it is. The good thing in your case is that if you end up divorcing, you will at least be able to make a fresh start with no children involved. I know that's not much consolation, but believe me I don't look forward to a lifetime of interacting with the person who is responsible for the greatest rejection and hurt of my life. In your case you will be able to reap the benefits of the 180s and GAL no matter what happens. Take care.

[hhh]

Thanks so much to all you weighed in and offered words of support. I think my mind has just been swimming again...cause and effect this and that etc. Lessons I have learned, and some that were a product of circumstances in my life over which I had no control. Sometimes I think he blamed me for things not my fault, others I take ownership of that I should not have done.

I did email him yesterday about grabbing dinner one night, as we've got to talk in some fashion as we move on, even if for pure logistics/paperwork sake. It was civil and he said next week for dinner one night downtown would work.

So we'll have some interaction (hopefully) in the next week. I need to get myself into a better place to face this. I've been writing things down as I think of them, about what I have learned, and a big piece of it was being on my own to see things that we in me, rather than a product of our relationship, that I needed to work on. He always got that my parents were hard on me, that i was self-critical, and i owned up to projecting some of that unrightful on to him. It may not make a difference but part of me wants to share this w him before seeing him. The other part wants to just have a friendly exchange w no R talk.

I don't want this to end fighting, so it would be nice to be amicable regardless of outcomem, for healing. I've had hardly any interaction with him, so it's been hard to show him any changes.

Peace to all. I really need to work on building my self back up and getting out of the self-blame cycle. I appreciate that others are in the same place. I think of things i did and why i was not happy in M often and I think it was a lot of product of not feeing ready. I remember the weekend he proposed telling him i had doubts, loved him, but not totally ready, and he threatened to leave me in the hotel room and find my own way back home...that always stuck in my mind and I think fueled my anger and acting out at him. I was never able to let that go, somehow, and not strong enough at the time to take that break I needed. It's hard to think that that set the stage for M troubles, but I know there were other factors there... we both played a part, i just need to keep reminding myself of stuff he did. And i was struggling w bad anxiety too, which i think of as almott like an illness, and made me act in ways that i couldn't help at the time. Not an excuse, but context that I wish he could understand.