DW, Good job, on not going. I hope when that comes I can be that strong, truth is, we have done the family thing and it ended driving a bigger wedge between my D13 and my wife. I think that it could be a life long thing with my D13, my heart breaks for her b/c she is handling it better than I am but I know on the inside her soul aches and she wants to cry out.
It so fits the MLC/WAW syndrome, your W is still trying to make herself feel good. It would be different if it was for the kids or more importantly for you but it is not. Again it is all about them.
Nik, can't agree more with DW on your H, that is totally disrespectful and he needs to know that.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I know and like the idiot I am I think maybe he is FINALLY realizing oh boy this wasn't a good idea. He is so messed though in the head. He text me last night "how is my little boy doing? I miss him and you too"
Tough when stuff like this happens. I'm just confused. Part of me wants him back but then the other part of me says move foward there are too many things my eyes have been open to.
My W started the D process in the late summer/early fall, and then had her L submitt part of the D paper work to my L around late Sept or early Oct. The paperwork she submited did not include the speration ageement or the parenting plan (big parts). So I did as much as I could and told her to get me the other papaerwrok as soon as she could. Well a couple of months or so went by and nothing happened. I would talk to her ocassionally about the D and what was going on but again, nothing really happened.
So, then my L receives a letter from her L (sometime in Nov. I think)that she is being dropping her as a client because of her unwillingness to respond to their questions (and their subsequent inability to complete the paperwork). After this she decides she is going to do the paperwork herself..fine, whatever. She sends me the "blank" paperwork for my review, again, fine, whatever. I tell her to compelete it and get to me. Well, she tells me a couple of weeks before Christmas she almost has it done and that she would be sending it to me soon. Although I did not want to delay things further (although I really do)I asked her if she could wait until after the hollidays. She agreed and sent it to me on Jan 2nd (after the hollidays), the day after we had spent time as a family for the first time in a month or so. I thought this was pretty cold but I did not say anything.
I get the paperwork back to her in two days, as there is really not much to it. I still have not received the paperwork back from her so that my L can review. I get a call from my L today that the court system is going to start pushing to get this done or the case will be dismissed. So my problem is (sorry for the long story)that even though I do not want a D, I am being forced to push my W to get this done, and it is making me feel very uncomfortable. I think she is being very insensitive and not very responsible. I am not willing to date, since legally I cannot marry right now, and she knows this (its ashame she does not feel this way). So I am partially venting here but am also looking for some input.
The court system is going to start pushing to get this done? What state are you in if you don't mind me asking? In my situation my W filed for the D (blindsided me) and immediately went into white hot mode with the OM. I suspect they had an EA going for two months prior to the filing. Anyway, from filing date on she didn't do anything with respect to advance the D. I like you wasn't interested in getting D so I was okay with the slow down. That changed for me as she started to from my vantage point to rub the A in my face. Keep in mind the OM is 2,000 miles away so that changes the dynamic significantly. She made know bones about traveling to see him not sure if it was on her dime or his and leaving me with the resposibility of caring for the kids.
I suggested mediation after an attorney friend mentioned to me that he would be shocked if the D didn't cost both of us in excess of 20k each if we dealt with it through Lawyers only. I also felt she was in a diminished mental state and would be vulnerable to making concessions she might not make under a normal mindset. I have been proven correct. In addition I felt the half life of her A would be longer do to the distance factor and I hadn't nor have I seen any indication that she is wavering on her decision to file for D.
If you don't want the D and the court will dismisses it with further delays doesn't that work for you on some level? Also, does her lack of pushing it along suggest she may not truly want the D as well? Or is she just fine being in limboland doing her thing? Do you feel time is in your favor the longer the D is delayed, which will allow you to continue to DB with the hope of R?
M48/W47 M15/T22 S3 D3 In House Separation 10/06/09 W files for D 10/16/09 OM1 discovered 10/28/09 (PA) OM2 in mix early Jan. W moved out 1/26/10 In Mediation (Settlement in prep)
DW, I personally would not pursue it. Let it die, I agree with Clv. Maybe she is starting to realize what this means. I would not get my hopes up but this whole site, books, forum is about stopping Divorce, right? So, let things happen as they happen. I wouldn't even ask about it, maybe I would ask your lawyer what the implications are if the court gets no response. I have some other thoughts and will post later, I have to get to work. Give us any updates from last night or this morning.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I think she is being very insensitive and not very responsible. I am not willing to date, since legally I cannot marry right now, and she knows this (its ashame she does not feel this way). So I am partially venting here but am also looking for some input.
DW, Of course she is insensitive and not very responsible, no surprises here, right? Also, is there another person in the picture for you that you might be interest in? If so do things with them but keep it friendly and non-physical. If there is not anyone then it really doesn't matter whether the divorce is final or not, right? Are you looking for a piece of paper (the divorce decree) to move on or GAL?
These are are all rhetorical questions and not meant to frustrate you further but none of us want a divorce, right. Many of the success stories I have read the WAS gets up to the point of the divorce and pulls back and starts to realize the affect of their actions. Could be she is still thinking about it and will decide to go through with it or maybe she will decide not to do it and let it die. I think your course of action is, no action. If she had never started the D process you would be in the same sitch, right? Keep on DBing and act-as-if you are unphased by this, don't bring it up either.
She still hasn't mentioned anything about OM to kids, right?
My S9 asked my W last night why she hasn't come home yet. My W responded to him that she is "confused". Not trying to read anything into this yet but obviously she is avoiding the reality of what she is doing and explaining it to him. I think your W is in the same place. Welcome to Limbo Land, it sucks for us and our kids but we both know this is a long process not a short one. Did you read the stages of an MLCer, I posted directions in my thread.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
As chance would have it she sent me the paperwork last night. She is just the queen of procrastination. We got into pretty good last night because she came up with some some stupid requirements that we had not dicussed prior. She called this morning to say I was right but I am still a little out of sorts due to last nights very heated conversation.
The D is going to happen and I do need to do a better job of acting "as if". I think we will actually get along better after the D is offical...it takes a lot out of us. She has been detached emotionally from our M for a long time. If the OM and her do happen to fail there might be a chance to reconcile but by then I might be gone. We still get along great when we are just talking about normal stuff so you never know. I think being D will allow us to do more of that, although I will still be non-cake eating mode.
You know, I think the same thing. Sometimes when the pressure of the M word is off, things have a way of smoothing out. The pretense is gone, and somehow honesty and mutual respect seems to be easier.
Make sense?
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Clear as mud...takes the "M" pressure away (for both of us), which may faciltiate development of other aspects of the R. Now if I can just figure out how to throw the OM into a bottomless pit...
