I've grown too much to let it go wasted now. And although it feels like I am too close to having a relationship with my H again and maybe risking that,I will be VERY disapointed in myself if I stay in a R that I know is not what I deserve and need.
So, I am no longer willing to accept how rarely we talk and spend time toegther. But I will no longer be nagging or/and crying or/and criticising him and try to get him to understand how I want things to be or how HE should act. I will stop pushing him to give me what I need but that will not mean I accept what I get.
For myself, I dont want to be pathetically graceful for the rare limited time he spends talking to me or the little time he makes for me (and the kids) or the good intentions to restore our intimacy/connection that lack actions and dedication. I will interpret what he does from now on as an indication to what he decides about how he REALLY wants to live his life and live his marriage. And I will make a decision about mine accordingly.
The last couple of weeks I hit a low exactly because I realised I was putting myself into a position to decide to take that leap of faith forward, accepting the possible consequences or step back and follow H's model of Relationships (not just with me) which allows him to feel comfortable but I doubt he feels content in. My first response was to adapt and believe I am crazy to risk that, that I should let time pass and hope for the best. The easy way, the way that I dealt with things in the past.
But, in the past I had no idea how complex things can be and become between 2 people that love each other and had absolutely no idea that the patterns we adapt to just cope, and not deal and not confront ourselves, can cause such a great damage.
We are the living example of how things develop and how little stability and "safety" we really had, power to stand against adversities and difficulties and how fragile our "roots" were. All it took was loosing a babysitter which minimised our time together and the naivity to believe things would improve in the future without our involvement.
By nature, I am a fighter. I cant rest till I read and do all I can when faced with troubles. It's my personal coping mechanism. Only this time, I didnt realise I had no knowledge of what was happening and when I did sense we were drifting apart I was no longer in the position to control myself and even worse, admit it was so and deal with it. I chose the easy way out.
I dont know what will happen with my H. I am excited that I am again faced with a choice that can not be "neglected" or postponed. I know that in our lives, he was trained to have little tolerance to growth and change and the associated pain and I was taught to go to the extremes WITHOUT knowing why and without identifying the underlying issues. Without pacing myself. We both need to go thru this, but I am not willing to delay my growth anymore or even worse, "reverse it". Not because it is easier. Because in the end, it isnt.
My H taught me the hard way we are not one. He taught me we are "seperated" and make our own different choices. HE showed me what it feels like to pursue what you feel is right WITHOUT dealing with what is really wrong and consequently let me see with my own eyes that when you act in a way for the wrong reasons or before you even realise your reasons, you regret your choices. But by doing that, we both learnt valuable lessons. And I am not going to throw all these lessons away because of fear "screwing this up" because I dont WANT/LIKE the destination this is heading.
I am forced by myself to make a stand. I am forced to make it clear. And I am forced to accept his choices.
My anxiety has dropped to zero and frankly I am no longer that angry with him. I could spend years trying to make him see and I could easily fall back in the same fruitless versions of a "non intimate" relationship. But now I KNOW that is NOT what I want. How could I possibly ignore that, after all that has happened, after everything I have read, heard, learnt, lived. I would be getting what I deserve. And I value myself more.
This is no announcement of an ultimatum, as DS says, ultimatums only bind the person that gives them. This is a little flashing green light that says I am back on track again, and I swear, it feels great to know where I am going! K
