Cyrena, Thank you for responding my post. I must admit that I have read your posts before because it seems as though you have "done your homework" and I have found your posts to be very insightful. Interesting how they begin to take on the traits of the deceased. I have watched it happen before my eyes. It also doesn't help that his resemblence to his father is uncanny and H even has his same mannerisms and temperament. He has been told this all his adult life. Don't get me wrong, his father was a wonderful man when I knew him, yet I didn't experience his MLC stint. My husband would describe that time he left in his life as when he became the "man of the house". So you are absolutely correct on not being able to be the teenager. At that time, he was early teens. I adored his father and had a relationship with him that I really lacked with my own father. His father's best friend from high school told me at one time that "Steve f-ed up one time, but redeemed himself afterwards. He was a wonderful man except for that time". My husband witnessed that conversation (ironically this conversation happened days before the bomb after his grandmothers funeral at a luncheon). It made H noticeably uncomfortable now that I think about it again. H also made a comment in 1 of our 3 total counseling sessions that his father left for a year and came back and everything was perfect in his parents marriage... I was really upset about that comment because he was justifying the actions he was about to take in the following weeks.

Forever, Thank you for your reply. It's helpful to see the experiences of others that are farther along in this journey. My H too would disappear for hours and go ride his bike. We used to do this forever all the time and when I asked him if he wanted some company, he would say he needed time to think. My H too has popped in and out of the house. He left 2 weeks ago with no note or no warning. Packed up and left. I was actually relieved because of the tense situation and it hurt more having him do horrible things in front of my face. I went dark and he has become angry and spiteful over this. It actually has been the best thing for my well being to not know anything about his whereabouts or his current state. I would obsess about OW and when I would find his car in her driveway overnight it was more hurtful knowing I couldn't do anything about it. I fight the urge still to seek out where he is staying, but remind myself that it will probably hurt me more if I knew. I think that I have detached steadily since he has been gone the last 2 weeks. I miss him terribly, but I have to be selfish for the first time in my life and think about how knowing too much will affect me. I even have to stop friends from telling me things about him, the things he does, and how he has changed. I just ask them to write it down, date it, and stick it in an envelope and I will ask for it if I ever need it in the future in case of a court battle. Weird, but it seems to have worked for me. I fully anticipate within the next few months to have him demand to come back again because "it is his house too". He goes back and forth between the two ideas.

H has also insisted that we are "legally separated". However, all his crap is still here and he comes and goes as he pleases from the house before and after work. He also has not filed anything. I believe it is to justify his A to the outside world now and it's easier to forgive himself by telling himself we are legally separated. It kills me!!!