Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Rocked/Lost - really, having a calm/honest discussion about R/future is important...I thought we should be avoiding that. And I sure don't feel any better after that. I wonder if I just sent her deeper undercover with OM, she told me more than once she didn't want to come across as cruel, but it is cruel. I did not get her to say she would work on us, not even for the kids. And although she didn't realize, what might have been the biggest blow was the fact that me doing so well with the girls just makes her angry. I tried a couple of times to say I can't change the past only the future and she says she understands that, but won't stop dragging up the past.

So yes, I am still down today. Been very busy at work, but that hasn't helped either. Very down today. I am grieving my old M. And I'm grieving possibly no new M. Yes there is a lot of pain today but there wasn't last night, must have been too on edge to let it sink in. It also hurts to hear there is research she has done that she doesn't want me to see and that she won't leave on her computer...if that is true vice her not wanting me to see e-mails from OM that she claims do not exist. And I don't know that they do. She did tell me that what I had her do with facebook prevents her from seeing anything of his and vice versa...and I take that as is implying she tried.

I didn't lose it last night, stayed calm/raionale/friendly. But I don't know if I made it worse or not. I might have pushed her further away just from having those discussions and I did put here on the spot more than once about OM.

Lastly, she never did explain to me the calls to tracfone, but she gave me the phone. I wonder if I should remind her she still owes me an explanation or let it go, since she gave me the phone (at least until she decides to buy another one...)