She keeps texting me jokes and telling me good night. I thank her for the joke and simply reply good night. No elaboration required but she is making a effort to contact me several times per day now. I am staying loving but controlled and not eager.
This is her way to keeping you involved in her life. If you respond in any fashion, then she knows she's winning. You don't reply whatsoever to her emails, TM's, nothing. It must be an extreme emergency (life & death) before you acknowlege her attempt to contact you.
The most I read from LBH's (who are suppose to be detaching) is that they don't want to be "rude", so they reply. Forget using good manners with a WAW. She is a different breed and you can't do that with her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Does this go for her calling me and being very friendly and happy sounding. Also she is inviting me over again tonight to spend time with the children and her. I would like to go to see the children. When I make the focus on the children, she observes me and smiles frequently. She has told me that she wants to be near me when I make the focus the kids because then she feels no pressure from me. When this happens she reaches out to me.
Should I ignore her invitation?
S12 has said that she is not talking to OM as far as he can tell. She is however talking to other friends more. These friends live more than 300 miles away and are old high school friends. Two female friends and two male friends. The male friends were platonic back then and are not much of a threat, I hope. I saw evidence where she told them that nothing would ever happen between them.
Since she is using OM for external validation, is it possible she is trying to replace OM with the old friends through facebook?
Thanks again.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
Change things up. Tell her you are taking the kids somewhere. Or take the kids to your apt for a while. If you guys do get D you won't be going over to the house all the time to see the kids, you will have unsupervised custody of them a good chunk of the time.
Don't always let it be on her terms. If she thinks she wants D, let her see what it'll be like to have that empty house all to herself while you have fun with the kids.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I see your point Michelle. I should grab the kids in the middle of the week an take them for a few hours. That way she cannot make plans and she is alone in house to feel it.
I have started making her come see me some as well, when she wants to see me.
I don't truly believe she wants D (she has had too many opportunities to file or at least move that she has not taken). I think she is acting like Smartcookie did and is using this to punish me for years of hurting her self esteem.
I seem to be getting forward progress out of her now. I will follow this advice as well Michelle. I will get the kids some on my schedule.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
I do think I needed punished to effect a change within myself. I also feel like I have been punished enough.
I'm glad to hear that.
Just to clarify my thoughts on what gucci said, I don't think you necessarily need to tell her to move out of the house, especially because you have already moved out.
Do what's best for your kids. I guess W has been the primary caretaker? Does she also have a part time or full time job?
She works full time as a preschool teacher for a local school district. She clears about $200.00 per month after paying for gas to travel to work and for daycare for S2.
She works to make her happy and give her something to do, not because her income is needed.
I told her years ago that I did not care what she did for a job as long as she broke even.
For years working with the children and interacting with the other teachers and parents made her happy and she accomplished many good things with the kids.
I did not tell her I was proud of her for those accomplishments. In fact at times I discounted them. This contributed to the crisis that I am in today.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
It has not been quite two weeks since you joined the board. I can see how you would look at her invitations as encouraging, but if you keep going to her house and "make her come to yours", instead of backing off.....it won't last. Oh, she may go back to you, but it will be for a short time....and then she'll have another man and be right back where she was when she left. You are pushing. You are too focused on fixing her instead of fixing yourself.
I don't understand why she would go to MC before going to IC. How can you expect the MR to work if she does not have personal issues healed first? Again, it can be temporary or it can be permanent.
You don't want her to leave OM out of guilt. Feeling guilty may be the first positive sign in some cases, but you want her to choose you b/c she wants you and sees you more attractive than the OM.....not b/c she feels rotten to the core due to contacting him.
You said you would follow what Gucci laid out for you after Feb. 3rd. I think you are scared. She is going to sense that fear and it will push her away. If you are a smart man, you'll start implementing Guici's advice now.
You want your W to be more confident and independent. Do you know how to allow that to happen? It's not by making decisions for her. It is not by all this "help" you are trying to do for her. I think you need to stop going to her house to "visit the kids" b/c that is the biggest "stuff" I've heard! You go by and pick up the kids (without visiting with her) and you keep them for two or three days.....(instead of two or three hourse)....and you'll have a closer picture to what you need to do and what she needs for you to do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
