Starting down a new road

[fisherman]

"If you understand my feelings what do you propose or how do you propose to meet my needs as stated above.

MRS OP"

Sorry, I'm trying to catch up. What is she refering to "as stated above." ? Has she clearly stated her needs?



Was it this?

I realize that in choosing the direction for our life I participated by letting you for the last 2 years and before to keep living in the same way. This was because of my belief of how a R should be but it created more resentment and anger in me rather than improving the sich. I need to know that I can count on you to step up and become a contributing member in this R. This is a deal breaker for me.

I can only assume that as you are not willing to discuss this that there is no way for my needs in this R to be considered and that you have move on.

MRS OP"

[fisherman]

Wow....

I gotcha now.

[Cadet]

So three months of NC has finally gotten me to point of contact by W but no change in the speech.

[cat04]

Op,

Did you respond? What happened?

You know this is how it works. It will take a lot to get them to start thinking that maybe things could work, if they ever get to that point. Someone told me the other day, healing has to start somewhere, and maybe this is where it begins.

I also agree with Trapt, that letter was very vague.

[Cadet]

Thanks Trapt, Cat04, Mach for your help yesterday. Anyone else that helped also. If I didn't speak to you it was just because it was too complicated.

I am publishing what we came up with since I gave it to her last night. I also believe she had her suspension hearing yesterday and from the sounds of it did not go well.

So in response to her I wrote:
"If at all possible I would like to meet those needs. I feel as though it may help the situation by being a little more specific about what your needs are. Perhaps an idea of sorts on how they can be met. Is there something that I could help you do?"

I got no response so far so we will see what tonight brings.

Also I would like to say that while I feel I have a good grasp of DB'ing, I am realizing that I am probably not as detached as I should be and it is much easier to look at someone elses sich and figure out what to do than it is to look in the mirror and tell yourself what to do. I know Jack had that figured out about me months ago, so I guess it is something to work on. Mirror work is hard. (Except in my glass business.LOL)

[lost1234]

OP,

ok...think i have caught up now...

this is all so hard to begin with...you, like me seem to have too many things happening at once...

it stinks! with the help of everyone here, i take one day at a time...sometimes by the hour.

glad that you are keeping busy.

[fisherman]

Hey OP.

I think you worded that nicely. Nothing wrong with asking her to clarify what those needs are.

Remeber to stay even keeled no matter what her answer is. If she comes up with something legit, then great! That will be something to build on going forward.

If her answer is untrue or off the wall about what you have or haven't done, then you know it's the depression talking.

It's up to you to filter that all out, but whatever you do, don't argue or defend yourself, simply validate what she says.

Oh... If you haven't already noticed, sometimes it takes them a while to think about and process what is being discussed. So don't take it the wrong way just because you haven't heard anything yet.

[Cadet]

If she doesn't answer at all its ok with me. I think she still has a lot more baking to do before she is ready to come out of the oven. So the more time it takes the better. I want the cake to be cooked before we are done.

[Mach1]

"If at all possible I would like to meet those needs. I feel as though it may help the situation by being a little more specific about what your needs are. Perhaps an idea of sorts on how they can be met. Is there something that I could help you do?"

okay.....I'll buy that....

I got no response so far so we will see what tonight brings.

Thats fairly normal.....you aren't reacting the way she expects you to....Which would be the same OldPilot....

Also I would like to say that while I feel I have a good grasp of DB'ing, I am realizing that I am probably not as detached as I should be and it is much easier to look at someone elses sich and figure out what to do than it is to look in the mirror and tell yourself what to do. I know Jack had that figured out about me months ago, so I guess it is something to work on. Mirror work is hard. (Except in my glass business.LOL)

Mirror work IS hard.....

Thats why they call it work....

In the end, it is worth every second that you do that, and if you really DB, and realize the purpose of DB'ing....

You will understand that the mirror work really never ends....

And then, only then, can you truly view this as a gift to you, from her.....


You are doing really well my friend.....just a little fine tuning before take-off.......

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Pilot,

You'll see it in others too. I bet you already have. : )
Not much you can do except shake your head on the other side of the keyboard.

Its like that cup of water the kung fu masters talk about, if your cup is already full there isn't anything they can teach you.