Well, you could cut off the internet (that is, after you get proof of her using it to continue an affair). Remember, you say, "I love you, and I want to work on the marriage, and I will wait as we work through it, but I will NOT enable your affair."
Don't blame yourself. This is a two-way street. YOur depression with your lack of a job was something you had to work on, but SHE made the choice to start an affair. The OM will offer her the world now....and it will sound wonderful to her now.....fantasy. You can't compete with this right now because it is not real. Just focus on you and doing what you need to do. THere is nothing wrong with talking about dreams with her, but don't compete with the OM.
Validation is tricky when she is in the state she is in. Everything that is a disagreement to her is going to make her mad. Just don't agree with her when she says you never loved one another, that you think that it is over, etc. She wants permission to leave/have the affair. Don't give it to her. It will make her mad, but you stay strong/loving/firm/calm. Don't argue. For example she says, "You know we married too early, and we were never really in love." You say, "We married because we were in love, and I still love you." Repeat it over and over if you have to...even if she gets mad. If she tries to argue and it gets loud, etc., you say, "I do love you, and I always have. I won't give up on you or our marriage." and walk away.
Just a little note to you, and what I've learned. I believe when we get married those many years ago, it's easy to think that we didn't know enough about love to know if we loved who we married. But, I believe we married because we were in love. I believe that love changes as you are together, of course...because you grow and mature and you think differently than you did when you were in your 20s, but if you are constantly trying to find the person that is perfect for you at each moment of your life you would be changing spouses like you change clothes. Marriage is a commitment. Love is a choice. I don't want to be 40 and wonder if my spouse will leave me because he thinks like a 40 year old now, or at 50 think my spouse is now 50 so he is different than he was at 20 when he married me so I must not want to be with him.
Anyway....about Retrouvaille. It is not religion focused. It is more communication focused. It would be worth it to call someone and talk to them about it and ask your questions. They would more than likely be ok with explaining what the weekend is all about and to allow your wife to ask questions, too. It's free, and you stay in a hotel, and you get the food free as well (they do ask for a donation however...all anonymous).
