Trying LRT - Please Help!

[motherof3]

Only you can know where your limits are. On the other hand, there isn't a rush to make any big decisions right? Keep focusing on taking care of YOU for now. ((hugs))

I expect H to bring mediation up again or have me served with D papers soon. You are right. There really shouldn't be a big rush. At least he is still helping pay the bills. It is just so hard.

Some days I wonder why I even want to be with a person who doesn't want me. Other days I wonder what is so wrong with me that H doesn't even want to try.

Thanks RW. FWIW - I have been silently following your sitch.

Mo3

[courageous wife]

OMgosh! I ordered that book a few days ago and can't wait for it's arrival! I am glad that you have read it and found it helpful!

[courageous wife]

MO3-I am also having those same conflicting emotions! Why try so hard for someone who doesn't want you back? Just remember that they don't KNOW what they want right now! As everyone keeps telling me, gal...take care of your kids and act as if...

[motherof3]

Thanks CW. I needed to here that.

No updates to report.

[motherof3]

I just made an appointment to meet with and possibly retain an attorney. I don't intend to file right now, but just trying to get the big picture of how this pending D will play out.

[motherof3]

H has again asked me to cover part of his parenting time in February due to a work travel conflict. Keep in mind our current agreement is to split the kids 50/50. I have agreed to take the kids again so that he may travel but in the same email I also sent this.

H - When you choose to travel during your parenting time, which causes significant absences from our kids' lives, I know with absolute certainty this hurts our children. Do you realize that by my count in the month of February you will only be seeing the kids 9 out of the 28 days? I know events in the future will come up and we will need to be flexible, but I want to ensure that we both continue to have equal and frequent time with our kids. How can we best achieve this?

He replied with I will call you this afternoon.

I know that I didn't set a boundary with my email but rather drew his attention to the fact he is significantly limiting his time with the kids.

Now I need to prepare myself for this call. I am not sure what he is going to say.

[motherof3]

So have has called twice and left on VM. He has also sent me an email requesting me to call him.

I am just not ready to respond right now.

[Ready2Change]

First off, Great job!

He replied with I will call you this afternoon....Now I need to prepare myself for this call. I am not sure what he is going to say.

The key is to respond, not react.

You have choices when he calls.

You can let it go to VM. Listen to his words. Think about a response then TM or e-mail.

If you choose to answer, you can listen and validate and then: "I need time to think about everything you just said. Goodbye."

[motherof3]

Just spoke with H. His tone suggested he was a little bit agitated. The conversation went like this.

H: Hi, I got your email.
Me: Ok.
H: You know that January and February are busy travel times for me. You have known about the sales meeting (a week- long trip to Orlando) for a couple of months now.
Me: Yes, I know.
H: It is not my choice to travel so often.
Me: I understand, but it is your choice to an extent. (Oops, I slipped up here.)
H: People are getting fired left and right. I have to travel in order to help increase sales. I am not trying to intentionally limit my time with the kids.
Me: I know and can understand your situation.
H: I was asked to go on a last minute trip earlier this week and still was able to juggle my time with the kids. And just so you know, they wanted me to go to Las Vegas which would have interfered with my parenting time, so I told them no.
Me: I understand the position you are in.
H: Do you? (He is getting increasingly upset.)
Me: Yes, I do understand. Can we talk about this later tonight?
H: I don’t want a long drawn out conversation with you about this. But yes we can speak tonight.
Me: Okay, goodbye.

So here are my goals for tonight’s conversation:
1. To bring attention to the fact H is planning on not spending a great deal of time with kids in February.
2. Come up with a solution to this which may mean giving up some of my regularly scheduled time with the kids.
3. Remain calm, cool, and collected during the conversation.
4. H sounds stressed about work and job stability. Should I bring this up? Should I ask H if he would like to talk about it? Pursuing?
5. Validate. Validate. Validate.

Any input? What am I missing? What should I do differently?

[Ready2Change]

You did great.

Good goals.

I would like to suggest that you bring a Feb calendar. Have H mark all the days he will "be gone" with MOM. Those are your parenting days. Then you mark the same number of days with DAD - Those are your "Free days to GAL". Hint:Friday and Sat are good for GAL. Then keep splitting the rest so that the kids get equal and frequent.

"I understand that your job requires travel in Feb and I am willing to be flexible. I feel (or know with absolute certainty) it is important (critical or healthy) for the kids to spend equal amount of time with each of us. I have brought a calendar to clarify which days our parenting responsibilities fall on. I'll take the days you are gone, please mark those first. OK thanks. To balance that out, I'll take these days. Great. How do you want to split the remainder of the days?....."