Running out of time.

[Kemper]

Cie la vie,

No issues on the response time. Totally understand not having access and needing to respond from work.

How does your snooping affect you? While I agree that you found some useful information does it make you feel any better? Most of the time the snooping only makes people feel worse. In a healthly relationship you shouldn't have to snoop. I realize that none of on this board are in a healthly relationship but if it doesn't make you feel better then why continue? If you hit you head against the wall many, many times and it still hurt after doing it would you continue?

She mentioned to me last night that the kids had a B-day party to attend for classmate but she opted to send the nanny to it so she could go for a hike. This is an example of the selfishness and shift in her focus away from the kids and onto her. I didn't say anything, just got up and and went to work (this morning).

What would happen if you let the nanny go? I am not saying to do it but you could save a bunch of money per month and esp. since your W isn't working would that be the best thing? I guess what I am saying is it might be something to think about.

I'm not sure my W will wake up under any circumstances, at least that is what I tell myself so that I do not get my hopes up.

I am in the same camp. Today was an angry day where I don't understand what my W is thinking. I will probably never know but it just kills me to think about how she never attempted to work on anything but is content to throw it all away.

The problem with that is the house will have long since sold and the damage will be complete.

While you might be attached to the house it is just a material item that can be replaced by another material item. What can't be replaced is mommy and daddy having a happy R/M and the children seeing that and experiencing it. That is what concerns me the most. Every single material item we have can be replaced by another. My "family" cannot be replaced.

My days snooping are coming to an end as the W will be out of the home by the end of next week.

I think this is the best thing for you personally. Without "knowing" then you will have the ability to focus on yourself and allow you to TRY not to think about what the W is doing.

[Cie la vie]

Kemper,

How does your snooping affect you?

Honestly it can affect me differently depending on the information I uncover. For the most part it is more damaging to my psyche than anything else. So the truth be told I am better off not doing it. The only real benefit to me is having evidence to prove my case to friends, neighbors etc. who have only heard her side of the story as to why she filed for divorce. I haven't told anyone outside of my family and closest friends about her A which is the overriding reason she won't consider working things out. I'm afraid those who only know her story are likely to dismiss my story as sour grapes and concrete evidence to the contray will give my story validity when and if I decide to air it.

What would happen if you let the nanny go?

First thing that happens is I save $1,500/month or I would have saved $6,750 over the last 4.5 months. I may have been asleep at the switch on this one. Her argument is that she will be back at work sooner rather than later and letting our nannies (one workd mwf the other works t&th)go would likely mean not getting them back when she does start work and our children are very attached to them. Had I known she would be out of work for this long I would have addressed it differently. Part of the problem was getting served with D papers through me for a loop and my focus has been rather scattered. No excuse but an excuse none the less. If everything had been normal in our marriage I'm quite sure I would have acted differntly. Nothing I can do about the past but I will address the future in this regard if she doesn't have a job by Feb. the nannies will need to go or she can pick up the friggen tab. I'm sure her lawyer will have something to say about that idea.

While you might be attached to the house it is just a material item that can be replaced by another material item. What can't be replaced is mommy and daddy having a happy R/M and the children seeing that and experiencing it. That is what concerns me the most. Every single material item we have can be replaced by another. My "family" cannot be replaced.

All very true and needless to say the destruction of the family unit is the real tradegy here. The loss of the house does chap my ass because we have spent the last 3+ years and 90k on remodeling the kitchen, replacing old windows, new connected electrical panel, relandscaped the backyard, stucco'd the garage, painting etc. Our house was dialed in for the future and now someone else will get to enjoy the fruits of our labor. Hard for me to let that go. Oh well.

With regard to my divorce/mediation process and selling of the home I am trying to decide if I should put the onus on the W to keep things moving forward or if I should continue to press forward. I believe if I leave it up to her it will limp along more slowly. The thought being time may be my friend in the long run, again with the ill advised hope that her A will end and we might have shot a putting our marriage back together and all that goes with it.

My attorney feels I should get the best deal I can NOW and get it finalized because she feels that WHEN not IF the A collaspes my W may take a different stand on the settlement agreement and not to my benefit. She bases this on her experience with several cases where the W realized she had cheapened herself and the backlash was focused on the H. I didn't get her to elaborate on this as it was an email exchange.

[Cie la vie]

I just got an email from the W. It was in response to and email from our Mediator who sent the two of us a summary of our 2nd mediation session. He asked that we let him know when we are ready to schedule our next session.

The W respond almost immediately with "I'm ready whenever it is convenient".

She's hot to trot or so it seems.

[MHL]

My attorney feels I should get the best deal I can NOW and get it finalized because she feels that WHEN not IF the A collaspes my W may take a different stand on the settlement agreement and not to my benefit. She bases this on her experience with several cases where the W realized she had cheapened herself and the backlash was focused on the H. I didn't get her to elaborate on this as it was an email exchange.

Yes, go for it now. In the very beginning 3-4 weeks after the bomb my W saying that she wanted me to have the kids and the house. I wish I had taken her up on it then, I still have the house and the kids but I also have a lawyer. I could have probably gotten a mediator (like you now) and it would have cost me far less. My wife, I think is changing her tune, once a lawyer gets hold of them and tells them what they could get, it fills their head with BS ideas. All she wants is an escape right now and she is willing to do anything, go for it now. Then work on the M. I am having to collect all this documentation now and it is going to be a long process, I absolutely hate it. I feel like it will be hard to DB while in this process.

[Cie la vie]

You are right and everyone close to me is saying the same thing keep moving it along. I wish she would simply sign our house over to me but that isn't going to happen unless she has completely lost her mind. We have a lot equity in the house and she is entitled to her half. We are both lawyered up right now but I quickly suggested we go the mediation route and she agreed. My lawyer knows her lawyer and she told me that my W lawyer loves to litigate.

All she wants is an escape right now and she is willing to do anything, go for it now.

She has been very accomodating thus far. Could be she feels a little guilty about the whole. I intend to take advantage of any avenue she provides. I've left her with the task of collecting and copying all the documentation. The fact that the house has to go is one issue that really infuriates me and makes me want to lash out.

[MHL]

This is not DB and it is manipulative, but a little sadness on your part, or crying or whatever. pull out the violin and let it rip, to gain so sympathy, to get the guilt factor going???? Hindsight is 20/20 for me, when my W told me I could have house, kids everything on was on my knees begging and crying. I wouldn't be caught dead doing that now, but if it gave me the upper hand, I don't know???

[Cie la vie]

DBing takes a back seat when it comes time to negotiating the settlement. She isn't likely to give up anymore freebies. But their really isn't much left to negotiate. No more tears from me for her, straight up business with no animosity or anger. She would see right through any manipulative behavior.

I need to set the appointment for the third session of mediation. We are getting close to a full settlement.

The next couple of weeks will be interesting with the W out of the house. What do you think I can expect from the W based on your own experience and what you know about my sitch?

[dwinter82]

Take a look at my post and in one of the threads from a few days ago is a quote. This will give you some good insight into what is about to happen. Regardless, your W is going to be in a state of transition and will probably be a little scared about the change, mine was anyway. Your job is to be cool and be the man you were when you fist met. Keep any serious dicussions to a minimum and in the right situation (when you feel comfortable), just talk to her. Shut up and let her talk about herself. Try to figure out a good excuse to let this happen...if you figure out one let me know.

Let her know you understand why she is doing what she is doing (directly or indirectly, your call). Do not say any harsh words, ever, and start working on making yourslef into a gift that any woman would love to have.

[ClingingToHope]

W and I have been going through a settlement over the phone. We finished a major point when I brought up another thing. W cut me off, I tried to explain my point and she gave me the "Yes, it's always about the bottom line with you."

I let it go.

I sent her a long email summarizing our conversation. At the end, I wrote that now that we're at this point, it's no longer personal, it's business.

[Cie la vie]

Cth,

I have feeling my W may have a different attitude toward our settlement agreement in round three of mediation. Although I have been very cool and calm in the initial two rounds of mediation I also haven't given in on any issue thus far.

I could see the a similiar "bottom line" comment coming my way as well. It wouldn't be unwarranted and I'm not being greedy, I just want what is fair. Good luck on your settlement.