Question

[Lucky11too]

I know it's tough and you say there is no hope but there always hope somewhere. In some ways, you are just like me a couple of months ago with an H that desperately needed mental help but is too stubborn to actually get it. But some how, here we are, with H taking his supplements and finally seeing a therapist! Still as we know, no guarentees with this, but still hope. Just wanted to encourage you to encourage him when the opportunity presents itself to get the help he needs (as well as continue to encourage his parents and friends). I believe he will have to figure it out himself, but if enough people say it, hopefully it will be enough to plant the seed. You just never know the impact you might have. Soemtimes I wonder if God put me and H together all those years ago b/c he knew I was the only one that could help him help himself. I don't know, but I ponder that sometimes, especially when things aren't going as planned and I wonder what our purpose for all this pain is.

Regarding the texts, those sounded like good responses. They were matter of fact without being overly mean or on the opposite, too overly friendly. Like you said, you can't just pretend that the last two weeks (or years) didn't happen, so there's no point in faking it. What's his angle? Good question? If I had to make a guess, it's probably an attempt to keep the connection without having to make a connection. He doesn't want to loose you all together so it's like his way of holding on. It's hard to know what to do with that b/c in order to work on things, you have to have the communication, but his current actions are just so frustrating that you don't want to communicate with him. I guess just play it by ear. You keep on living the good life without him and if you feel up to responding or initiating something, then you do it, but don't let his actions drag you down. I know you're having a down moment right now (which is completely understandable esp when you're dealing with a sick S and a sick u!), but don't let it keep you down. You'll see the sun shining again soon.

[awest1217]

Doing better today. I am still nautious, but not as bad and not as tired. So today I need advice from anyone willing on two situations.

1. Last night S wanted to watch Finding Nemo. I didn't think anything of it, but by the end S was watching very quietly and I wondered what he was thinking. Those of you with kids know that it is all about a son and his dad. Well last night he would NOT go to sleep. S has been sleeping in my room again since H stopped contact. S kept sitting up and saying how Nemo "scared him". I think it was that watching it made him sad. Then this morning he asked about H and I asked if he missed his dad and he said yes. What do I do? Do I call H and let him know what is going on or do I just let it go and keep letting S know he is very loved? I have been telling S that "daddy is mad at mommy right now, but he loves you very much". I know that is not the truth, but he is 2 and I can't say "daddy is confused and doesn't want to come see us right now" because he would then ask why and he is 2. He does see my brother a lot and H's brother a lot which helps with the male role model, but it isn't the same. I did ask S last night if he wanted to see daddy and he said no he just wanted mommy to hold him. Any advice?

2. Today we had a corporation meeting at work, and in IN the govenor (ugh!) has cut school budgets more than once so what that means for where I work is the school has to somehow cut $4 million over the next 2 years, and I am sure we are not the hardest hit so please say a prayer for our schools. Anyway, what this means is a possible salary freeze and having to buy more supplies out of pocket. I don't believe I will lose my job because my classes are at capacity and there are many teachers who could retire before me so I think, knock on wood, I am ok although I am low man on the totem pole. Knowing that all of this is coming I decided to text H to have a meeting and here is what I said, "Good morning. I need to have a meeting with you sometime soon to discuss our future. I just got out of a meeting where it was said that my school has to somehow deal with an approximate $4 million cut over the next two years, and I know your school is probably dealing with the same thing. It was said that everyone is going to feel the cuts and the way it is looking at best, unofficially, is we are looking at possible salary freezes, but also buying more of our supplies out of pocket. I am not looking for money from you, but what I am wanting out of this meeting is a clear plan of how things are going to proceed with us so I can make decisions about S's and my financial well being for the future. We will be good, but I need to start planning ahead and can't very well until things are settled with us. Please text me back with possible dates to meet and where you would like to meet. Thank you and have a good day." I am thinking that once he texts me a date that I will then send him an agenda as to what I want to talk about. I think this is how it could go...

What does he want to do about out relationship
Move back home and work on us, including counseling
Stay separated, but truly work on us, which will include counseling and no OW
Stay separated and act as if divorced
File for D

Visitation (right now he never sees S and never asks)
Does he want visitation?
What days? (based on IN law S does not spend the night until 3, but H would get every other weekend, every other holiday, and one day each week)
If have on a Sunday will H take him to church?
For his family things, will we both go if invited.

Child support
If no visitation, then want to pay support?
New support numbers including higher day care
If going towards divorce and wants no contact with S then health insurance will need to change

Other money issues
House? Sell? Refinance?
Taxes? File Separate but married or joint? (I think separate but married because I will get a lot more in a refund)
Car insurance? Does he find a new carrier?
Life Insurance?
Cars? Need to get the cars situated and possibly get a new loan in just my name (my car died over a year ago so we got a new one. His has no loan, but he has not taken care of it so I would have to put a bunch of $$ into it to keep it running well.)
Cell phones? Just started a new family plan
House phone? get rid of landline and put in my name only

Other issues
Changing Address? No longer going to be his mail carrier (problem with some mail like house info coming in his name)



Any advice out there or anything I should add to the list? I will not add all the specific details, but just the headings and what would need to be covered so he can make a decision (which he NEVER has done) before we meet.

Thank you to anyone who helps!

[Lucky11too]

Wow, those are some tough questions. Hopefully others will be able to put their 2 cents in, but here’s mine.

1) That’s tough b/c S has these feelings but b/c he’s 2, he really doesn’t understand. I think at this point, you should just continue to show your unconditional love to S and let him know that H loves him, but I wouldn’t involve H right now, especially with #2 in progress. I think H will feel pressured and overwhelmed and maybe feel like you are trying to guilt him into #2. (instead, you might want to incorporate these issues into the talk once you are actually together for the meeting so he knows where S’s heart is in this whole thing too). That much being said…

2) Oh this darn economy! Sorry to hear about the school cuts. =\ We’ve had some ridiculous cuts over here too and it’s just been so disastrous. So, I think you are right that it’s time for a straight forward R talk. It could go either way at this point (D or reconciliation) but it seems like you are at a point where you are strong enough to handle either. To let him know that you are serious about the relationship and a resolution and are strong enough to move forward with or without him could be a very powerful statement to him. But just going into it you have to prepare yourself and your heart for the worst, but still hope for the best. Regarding the agenda, I think it’s a great idea and it looks very thorough. One question, will H respond ok to receiving that? For some, they would appreciate the heads up on what is going to be discussed so they can prepare their thoughts, but for others (like my H), it would just freak them out and overwhelm them. You know your H the best, so just wanted to bring that thought up. Just also be prepared that H will reject a meeting all together (like you said, he’s never made a decision before so he might resist making a decision now). But overall the list seems very thorough. If I think of anything that you might want to add to the list, I’ll add it to the post.

One note for you regarding the taxes: I would discuss with your tax professional of course, but filing as “Head of Household” could be a great possibility. I don’t recall all the specifics of it but it has similar tax breaks as filing as married and is a great option for single mothers who provide the majority of the support for their children. I am going to be filing as married this year (if nothing more than to show my continued support of our M to H) but I want to look into Head of Household more for next year.

Good luck and let us know what H says about the meeting!

[ClingingToHope]

Awest, I think you are doing fine on handling S.

On the finances, I've been telling you you need to get something solid in place, but you worried about having to give visitation rights.

I'm emotionally wrung out and can't give you accurate advice. From day one I was giving support and seeing my girls as much as possible. I think it's time to see the L again and if you are still dead set against filing for D then getting a legal separation.

[awest1217]

Thanks!

Lucky, I already talked to my tax person and she said file as head of household because I would get a large refund.

As for the agenda, H is one to worry about what is going to be talked about. For example, if someone calls him and just says call me back, he won't call because he wants to know what they are going to talk about. So I figure giving him an agenda will help to alieviate any stress and give him some time to think ahead of time so we can make these decisions because they have to be made. This is no longer, I want them made for me, but I have to make decisions because I have to plan for my financial future. I could be looking for a job in a few months for all I know.

Any others please let me know what you think!

[awest1217]

so far no word. I am going to give him until Sunday, if I can truly wait that long, and then text him again and this time set a few parameters like "tell me when you want to me in the next two weeks by tomorrow" so he doesn't just do nothing.

My stomach is getting worse. I just have to get through tomorrow and at least it is the weekend so if I get sick, I don't have to worry about my class. Praying for a 2 hour delay...possible freezing rain overnight.

[awest1217]

So H text me tonight to say his mom called about doing pizza. She had already called me and I had said yes, but to see what was going on, I asked him what he was going to do. He said he figured I didn't want to see him and then went on to say how he will probably just stay home and make a pizza...waiting for me to beg him to come. I just said ok that is up to you and left it. Then later I text him and said I was sorry he did not come, but I needed to still meet with him by the end of the month. He asked if I was still at his parents and I was and if everything was ok. I said I already told him what was up. About 5 minutes later, he asks if I want him to come home. I said yes, but we need to talk about a lot of stuff first. He has the nerve to say what. So I let him know OW, and how I have been treated the last few years because I am not going to be treated that way ever again. He then apologized for putting the girls first because I should be his best friend and said he was sorry for being indecisive then blaming me for "bossing him around" when he wouldn't decide anyway. He kept saying he is lonely and misses me (still nothing about S which is kind of good because I think for once he really does miss me). He said he missed his friend and didn't realize until these last few weeks how important I was to him and how much we did talk.

I let it at saying thank you for the apology. I have never minded him having friends, but the fact that they became more and were always ahead of me was not ok. I have always valued his opinion, but he would never give it.

After that I have once again gotten nothing. I am not ready for him to come home without a face-to-face because he has had 3 strikes and I don't want him to come home without making sure there are true changes. Even if that means him paying rent for a while, his fault for waiting this long to make a decision. I do want my marriage to work, but I don't want to be naive and a door mat. It could be an interesting weekend. We will see...

[ClingingToHope]

Since you've dropped the rope, he's picked it up. I wish my W had shown even a little indecision.

[Lucky11too]

A lot of interesting progress this weekend. If he is as open as he appears to be, this is your chance to lay out the necessary changes for your R to move forward and his chance to show true change. (Little bizarre that he had to ask what the issues were, but whatever, at least you were given the opportunity to address them that way!) Very interesting. Keep us updated.

[Lotus]

Have you looked into the Retrouvaille program? A Retrouvaille weekend would be a great thing do to either before he returns home, or soon after.Check their website, www.helpourmarriage.org for info on dates and locations for weekends. A weekend will definitely help you to talk about the issues in the past and the future, and start better habits for dealing with each other.

The fact that he is showing remorse and has apologized to you is very good. This is a very important first step towards reconciliation. But there is a lot more work to be done. Good luck!