Well. H called last night in a bad mood. I asked what was wrong and he said he was unhappy. And stressed out. So there you have it. He is leaving again. It was the exact same line he gave me four months ago when he left the first time.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
Well. H called last night in a bad mood. I asked what was wrong and he said he was unhappy. And stressed out. So there you have it. He is leaving again. It was the exact same line he gave me four months ago when he left the first time.
Britt, you drive me crazy when you do this. This is the textbook definition of "mind-reading".
So, try this on for size.
Make plans to have someone watch the kids for you one night soon.
Tell him that you want to make dinner for him, at home. Make sure he agrees to come home; no last minute "I just want to hang with the boys".
Keep dinner conversation light and friendly. After dinner, tell him something like the following:
"You been telling me that you are unhappy and stressed out for a while now. Do you want to talk about it?"
If he does, listen to him. Look him in the eye. Ask questions that show you are really engaged.
If he doesn't, then you tell him that you can't live like this. You want to be his wife; you want to be there for him when he needs you. And you need him to be there for you, and for the kids as well.
If he can't handle that, then you are going to look into filing for divorce. Like I said before, his greatest weapon against you is your fear of doing anything to upset him or drive him away. Take that away from him and see what happens.
It's not healthy for you to live in constant fear of what your husband is thinking or planning to do -- again, a textbook example of codependant behavior.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Well. H called last night in a bad mood. I asked what was wrong and he said he was unhappy. And stressed out. So there you have it. He is leaving again. It was the exact same line he gave me four months ago when he left the first time.
Britt, you drive me crazy when you do this. This is the textbook definition of "mind-reading".
So, try this on for size.
Make plans to have someone watch the kids for you one night soon.
Tell him that you want to make dinner for him, at home. Make sure he agrees to come home; no last minute "I just want to hang with the boys".
Keep dinner conversation light and friendly. After dinner, tell him something like the following:
"You been telling me that you are unhappy and stressed out for a while now. Do you want to talk about it?"
If he does, listen to him. Look him in the eye. Ask questions that show you are really engaged.
If he doesn't, then you tell him that you can't live like this. You want to be his wife; you want to be there for him when he needs you. And you need him to be there for you, and for the kids as well.
If he can't handle that, then you are going to look into filing for divorce. Like I said before, his greatest weapon against you is your fear of doing anything to upset him or drive him away. Take that away from him and see what happens.
It's not healthy for you to live in constant fear of what your husband is thinking or planning to do -- again, a textbook example of codependent behavior.
Stellar advice. Britt, I strongly recommend doing this. If you need help scripting responses to his possible reactions, let us know.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I understand what you are saying Trent, but honestly I don't think he loves me anymore. I don't think he will even want to sit down and have supper with me. He works nights tonight, and then is gone all weekend for hockey. Possibly not home till Sunday. I have a feeling he will be leaving tomorrow before he leaves for hockey. Its inevitable. I really don't think there is anything I can do. I think its time to just give up and let him go.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
Give it a try. If he won't do it then that's a pretty clear sign of where the relationship stands, and you deserve to be with someone who is in love with you.
If he does run away again, then it's time to file.
I'm sorry; I wish I had a better answer for you. Maybe you taking the initiative will be a wake-up call for him.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
You sound very defeated. I know that is a very hard place to be.
Let's learn from mistakes though and examine the facts so perhaps things can be different for YOU.
He moved home and neither of you had a plan on how to rebuild. You must either take the initiative to create a plan to rebuild or create a plan to leave the marriage. Those are the two options.
You have mentioned your fear of setting boundaries. I can relate. It is SCARY to do but nothing will happen if you don't.
You are a young woman with young children and spending the rest of your life with somebody that is unwilling to contribute to the marriage should be unacceptable to you. So, you either file for divorce and end the marriage OR you set boundaries and create a plan WITH your husband to rebuild in a healthy fashion. If he says no at least you know you tried.
OK Britt.... you "know" this, you "know" he's got one foot out the door. Can you for once shake things up and conquer your fears?
Go and pack his crap up NOW! Hand it to him and kick him OUT!!!!
This will knock the crap out of him. There is a psychological factor behind all this. He won't be expecting it. It will ruin his day. It will take away HIS power. It will make him think a thousand times.
Please Britt, for the love of God... JUST DO IT! You have NOTHING to lose at this point.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
It's time for the last resort technique out of the book. You know it works, you've done it before.
Once he's out of the house -- either by his choice or yours -- you go dark to him. You don't talk to him for any reason other than to make plans for the kids.
And definitely file for divorce. It's not the same thing as being divorced, it just starts the process and can be called off if need be. But maybe having him served with papers will drive home to him that you are serious.
Don't let him just drop by to visit; start looking into things to do out of the house that you can bring the kids to.
If by some miracle he pulls his head out of his backside and says he wants to work things out, you get a commitment from him to do MC first.
In fact, I wouldn't let him come home until after you've done a couple of MC sessions. You already know that if you let him come home without a plan and without boundaries, he'll just do what he wants without any regard for you.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
