Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Yes, it was open, hopefully honest, there was no anger. It was peaceful, calm, but draining on both of us.

Lost - your words that everyone wants to be wanted, that is probably part of my being down today - I am not wanted. There was a defininte chill in the air this morning around us, not as friendly/positive as it has been. I guess that is to be expected.

Lotus - I wish so much I felt I could suggest Retrouvaille, I don't think she'd go for it. She re-iterated she doesn't want dates, she doesn't want holding hands, touching, none of that. She also seems very cognizant these days of making sure she isn't sending any signal or giving me any false hope, so that is probably part of the reason I have such an extreme pullback. I did mention that I thought for a couple of days that we might be working on something - the first couple days after the suicide. She said that I was just so extremely helpful that she was very grateful. I don't know, I still want to think it was a little more than that, but she won't admit it, but maybe I am wrong, wanting positive sings too badly. She isn't even willing to committ to working on the M right now, so unfortunately, that Retrouville is not an option right now. Heck, with the cold responses I am getting, I am wondering if I should even say goodbye in the morning and goodnight in bed as we go to sleep. Nine times out of ten, I am the one saying it first, last night and this morning, the tone in her voice seemed to say she didn't want me to say anything. But I don't know if I could stop--it is about the only thing I can do to show change about those things that have helped take to her to where she is now.

I thing I forgot to mention is I did suggest IC. Told her I was looking into it for me and that it might do her some good. I said this after she told me she didn't completely understand why she was still so angry. She didn't shoot it down. She said maybe it would help. I might pursue that a little more.

She also told me that often she can't relax when I am around and she doesn't why.

She also seemed almost suprised that I was still willing to work on things. I told her the kids were a big part of it and that I am a believer in marriage and therefore felt like I should give it another shot. To her, the kids are not a reason. She agrees they are happier when we do stuff together, but she insists they will be fine if we split. The two of us will always be a part of each others lives because of the girls but maybe not in the same capacity.

Lastly, I do have a friend (male) here who now knows about everything. He cornered me yesterday and flat out asked if our M could survive being apart again, he said he's worried about us, he's seen a lot of indicators. This is the same friend I said I was going to try to wait a couple of weeks until he and W weren't working together, but we talked. I do trust him completely, he won't betray me. And he is D and re-married happily and after talking, we have a lot in common from first M. He is very supportive of me continuing to try to work things out and was driving home the point of changing for me, doing things for me. Get this, he suspected something was going on with W and OM based on some of the things W had said.