Are regrets when you end a separation normal?

[Kimmie Lee]

So, how do you wind up with five small children, but are not "attracted?"

[Onthemountaintop]

Extreme natural fertility. We were together one year about 9 times and she got pregnant! Wow~

Is it fair to say that from time to time men can do the deed and imagine other things while feeling fine? This also leads to some guilt - I want to imagine her at her best, not other things.

[Onthemountaintop]

Update...

W and I have been trying to be better, physically and emotionally. Things are feeling better than they have in most of our marriage. Seems odd to be feeling so close when a month ago I was completely ready to move on because I thought it was hopeless.

Problem...I feel like that period of time apart has opened a "pandora's box". My mind keeps thinking that my W and I are doing great because we are into an infactuation like state. The reasons I was ready to go are still there - different personalities from the start of the marriage. Different education, different goals.

I'm venting frustration perhaps, but I feel much more guilt now because I can't get myself to fully commit to the marriage even though things are much better. I guess I'm really saying that I can't commit to my W.

My IC (our old MC) said that I might be hoping to recommit to the idea of my W, rather than the person she is.

[flowmom]

OTMT, it makes sense that you wouldn't feel ready to commit to your M yet. There has been a lot of upheaval and it will take time to find a new equilibrium.

I have a friend who had a persistent nagging belief that her S wasn't the right guy for her and that she had married him for the wrong reasons. After they went to MC for the second time, her feelings about that really shifted. I think so often we look for reasons to justify our feelings. I know my H is right now trying to construst a logical argument of the 27 different reasons why we don't belong in a marriage together. But the bottom line is that it's worth questioning those justifications, because a lot of time they don't reflect reality and the here and now of two people who are sharing a life path (which you and your W certainly are with so many little people in your lives).

I hope that you can focus on the present today .

[Onthemountaintop]

Thanks. You're right - I want to know why I feel this way so I can change what I want to make it 100% my wife.

I was told to make a list of things I like/hate and rate them. Well, I realized 'anal' is in analytical but it sure made me feel better to see that if I had left the numbers backed me up! I hope you can show 27 new sides of you that make your H think twice. My wife managed to show me about 3 major aspects of her I hadn't seen before related to bedroom stuff and education. This helped cut down my list and bring me back to my M for another full hearted try.

I put in more to our marriage and I also had begun to get past looking at the out of M world - despite four really rough days. I had seen her getting more upset, so I thought some physical attention would help yesterday morning. She seemed happy and connected. So I went to work to catch up. My sister came to visit and I could feel a bit of tension as I made a few comments she took personally. Night came, we went to bed and she began talking kinda mean - to which I said we can talk about tomorrow after b'fast but that I wasn't able to talk about it at that time because I was tired and she was clearly overloaded by emotion. I felt the fight coming, like someone feels a storm approach.

After a bit of angry responses from her, she left only to return angier than before and clearly she had misunderstood a few things I had said earlier. She went on to say that she needs a change, her goals aren't met yet, she wants to go for 6 mo and then return to the M, that she wanted to call the DMediator, that I couldn't be happy with her so there's no hope, and much, much more.

I left the bed and said that I had been completed flooded and I can't talk. I also told her that a few days ago I was ready to give my M more, and now I feel I may have made a mistake. I went downstairs to sleep. She came down 10 min later to apologize and ask me to come upstairs. I said I couldn't and went to sleep. I slept well...

That has been my biggest reason to consider D - she blows up and says things that can't be taken back just by an apology. I feel that I need to see she means it, because she has always been able to say what others want to hear without (fully) believing it.

[Lotus]

The situation you describe is the perfect time for the two of you to go to a Retrouvaille weekend. They will help you to understand both your feelings and your wife's. Check out the website, www.helpourmarriage.org for information on locations and dates of weekends. You are in the "misery" stage of marriage, and it makes sense that you would not want to commit to that. But you can move on the the fourth and best stage of marriage if you are shown how to repair the problems with understanding that you have built up within the marriage. This is what Retrouvaille does, and they are very successful at it. There's a thread in Piecing called "Retrouvaille means change" if you want more information.

[Onthemountaintop]

Thanks. We've tried a few things that have brought some successes. After her 'one sided' fight last night my problem is really about how much anger/unpredictibility I can handle when we can't connect a lot intellectually.

I was pretty strict an hour ago. She came to talk and I said that I can't talk when she's all emotional (she gets that way when she starts her period...so I got a couple days to chill).

I'm having a real problem accepting an apology from her because I'm sure she meant much of what she said. She's been hinting to one theme or another about what she said all last week, so I guess I should have been ready for something. The 'I want to go for 6 months to find myself' and 'the M is hopeless' ideas I didn't expect...

[trytryagain]

although i'm now facing separation for the second time in less than 2 years, this time it's my H who doesn't want to reconcile. we separated for about a month in september of 2008 and he is the one who was desperate to reconcile, which i agreed with after several weeks (and a trip to italy!) of thought.

it was like getting to know a stranger again after the hurt i'd been through. i recoiled when he touched me. i was almost repelled by the sweet things he said and did. but i remained committed to working things out (we had only been married for 9 months at the time), and after a few weeks was able to be intimate and return his affections.

hesitation doesn't mean you made the wrong choice. it just means that you are a human being and you can't switch gears as quickly as your spouse may hope. if you're still feeling the same way in a few weeks or months, that's different. but when you separate, you spend so much time mentally distancing yourself and preparing for the worst that it's hard to make the transition once you try to reconcile.

best of luck, though. what i wouldn't give now for my H to want to give us another try!

[Onthemountaintop]

So my W and I got into a fight - the trivial kind over nothing building into deeper arguments. I had about 7 reasons I wasn't beig a nice guy. I was about to acknowledge that I wasn't fair or polite and that I understood her reaction That was when she said that she couldn't handle hearing my concerns and reasons for being testy/angry/frustrated. She said I was judging her.

Does this sound familiar? She came to me to talk it over/criticise me/whatever before I had all my thoughts together. Anyhow - I'm rambling...venting maybe.

[june72]

OMT- It sounds like you are a tad impatient. Marriages do not improve over night. They just don't. For your kids sake you really have to give this marriage a really hard try. Have your read "His needs, Her needs"?

Five kids is very stressful. Are you done with kids or open to more? I ask b/c I think a good way to bond with your wife is through doing activities together, sharing time. Very hard to do with lots of children.

If you really, really think about it, just b/c the marriage seems horrible now does not predict that it will be that way in the future. You can not assume that a D would lead to any greater happiness either but just more complications.

I have come from a situation where I could not be more miserable and was hoping to "escape" the marriage, to then trying to work on the marriage to not hurt the kids with a D, to an in house separation that lasted over a year that my hubby initiated. We are now reconciled.

I can say with absolute certainty that my hubby and I HATED each other. That if I talked about point A he heard point B and vice versa. I can say that I was determined to end the marriage at one point and then he was determined at another point. I guess what I am trying to say is that no matter how negative the CURRENT circumstances are- that does not mean that the future circumstances will also be unhappy.

I also must say that you may have to "give" a one sided effort for a while. I know that I DBed and did not see results for quite a while. I did it and was determined that regardless of the result I knew that I put my best effort forward. And that in the future I would be a peace with how ever the marriage would go. Are you doing this? It took quite a while for changes to appear on his end but they did ( I mean I would not allow him to walk all over me but I did work on treating him really nice, I would call him out on his BS and I did have lots of backslides lots). I made big changes and after a long time so did he.

He has stated that the only reason that our marriage is intact now is because of the effort I put into it. I held my ground and stood for the marriage but also stood for my happiness and myself (if that makes any sense).

I would say the very first thing is to learn how to "fight" differently. Try staying very calm and validating her feelings, let her talk for a long time and ask her questions. Do not get defensive, hostile or try to justify or reason with her. Let her vent, tel her you empathize with her, if you disagree with her tell her "sorry you feel this way". As her what she would like to resolve an issue. If her solution will not work state I am sorry, is there another way? I want to please you....

Do randoms acts of love- hugs, kisses, sweet words, walk into your home with a smile on her face, bring her some of her favorite candies b/c you "thought if would make her happy". Make efforts to show that you enjoy time with her.

It is very hard for a person to stay angry or hate you when you are doing nice actions towards them. Some of it may seem fake at first but after a while it will feel the norm.


Try that approach for a while and see how it goes. A word of caution- if things seem to improve- expect backslides on both of your ends- it;s not a smooth transition to happiness- it's a bumpy ride.

I think you can easily turn this around. I really do. I think you need to get a more positive thought pattern about the marriage also though