This is probably hands down what saved me from being legally D'd. Since then although it has been a long ride, things have slowly been improving between me and my W. No reconciliation yet, but no more fighting and anger from her.
K4D
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
It is a very hard dose of reality. When you are in the thick of absolute emotional devastation and utter shock it is not easy to think in a clear fashion. I think we can all agree on that.
It really was only recently that I understood how very, very important it is to focus on me and me only and I have been in this situation for two years.
Not that I am anything great but I certainly had no shortage of men asking me out for a very long time. But that did not make me feel better. It was then I knew I had to make me feel better but I actually had NO idea what *would* make me feel better. I always kind of chuckle to myself when I see these long GAL lists. Most of those things were staples in my life for all of my adult life... I can't imagine walking around looking like a slob or having somebody tell me "make sure you smell good and are dressed nice". I have always dressed nice, smelled good, took care of my body and so on. For a long time I thought NOTHING HELPS, NOTHING WORKS so I had to go looking for what would work for me.
I think my H very much regrets he hurt me but he doesn't regret what he did and to me there is a difference. What I find so odd is all the complaints he had about me after the bomb are the same complaints he has made about OW. It is stunning to me that two years later he still uses the "WAS script" with me. He will contact me and I kid you not say something like "I changed the car registration. I am sorry but I can't be married anymore". Um, ok, I sort of figured that out during our 18 month long court case that is now over and we are NOT married anymore!
The WAS gives an awful lot of info, we just don't listen because it is not what we want to hear. In my case the "believe half of what they say and none of what they do" simply did not apply. My H meant everything he did and said and that was that.
The WAS gives an awful lot of info, we just don't listen because it is not what we want to hear. In my case the "believe half of what they say and none of what they do" simply did not apply. My H meant everything he did and said and that was that.
This generally refers to when the A is kept secret if I am not mistaking. If they have admitted the A and are telling you all about it, I guess it wouldn't apply.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I too have a WAS (H). My stitch is fairly new, 7 weeks now that he has been gone. I’ve heard the ILYBNILWY several times, as well as “there is nothing between us anymore”. And of course H blames it all on me, I’ve hurt him.
I think it would be a great idea to have a thread for us to post what has worked and what hasn’t. I’ve had a couple of positive signs when I have been nice to him, with a simple “Hi, how are you”. But the negatives have outweighed those positive moments. He is in such a hurry to move on, and pushes my buttons every time. I think I would have more success if he would just slow down and take a breather.
If anyone has any suggestions on a WAS that is in hurry to end it, I would love to hear them. Especially any tactics I could use to get him to slow down.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Being skeptical (of everything) works. Truth survives skepticism.
Has anyone read these words: "I never thought I would be here.....please help" "There are red flags that your spouse is in an A" "I don't believe my spouse is having an A. I trust my spouse."
Then farther along in the thread : "O my god! I just found out my spouse is having an A"
That is why it is important not to believe anything they say. Their consistent actions will tell the truth. That is why you believe only half of what they do.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I also wanted to add that I do believe that some of this can work if you have the right kind of WAS. Ha! Is there a "right" kind?!
Some people are simply too far gone. It is terribly painful but that is how it is. I do not think my H hates me or even dislikes me. In fact, I think he admires what I had to endure for the past 2 years. For him though any sort of "work" in a R is not what he wants. He has always believed you either feel it ALL the time or you don't. And maybe that is not wrong for him but it certainly is not something I "get".
And I think many times ALL of us go in to marriage blind. The things I used to think were so funny about my H turned out to be so funny, charming or special about my H were actually MAJOR issues he had.
I knew going in my H never took a risk and he wouldn't do ANYTHING unless he was 110% sure there was no room for failure or error. For a highly educated, highly successful man that is a very childish outlook. If he could not believe in himself in the good times and bad (as an individual I mean) then how could anybody else believe in him? And for a long time I did.
There is no big secret - long term R's w/o solid and healthy communication fail every time. That is it.
I actually believe in marriage now more than ever because I finally "get it". Who am I to say my H's version of marriage is wrong? It's just not right for me.
What exactly is the right kind of WAS? I was always under the impression that they're all the same.
They are all unique just like everyone else.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
