Next steps

[avermont]

OK, guys, a little crying here...

Felt a little like crying all morning. Don't know why--I actually slept through the night last night!

But then I did cry--and I'm in the middle of work, so really can't, so am posting instead.

X and I worked on theatre shows here in our little town. It's what we did when we met in college. I did sets/he did lights. It was great to collaborate with him on a show here in town some 20 years after doing it as students!

X did a show in the fall; I wasn't asked to do the sets, so wasn't part of it, which of course is all to the good.

Now the spring show is happening. The director asked X to do the lights. An intermediary--who has been a good friend through all this--asked if I would be willing and able to help design the set, understanding that I wouldn't/couldn't really be part of the production team.

I said I was willing to help. I wouldn't really be able to commit to doing the show fully, even if X weren't a problem, because of my work schedule. So, either way, I would be involved only minimally.

But what got me crying in the bathroom just now: emailing with the director about production meetings, going over the design, etc.

She wrote: we had our production meeting last night.

So--even though I was at work at the time--knowing that a mere 3 blocks away from "our" house, X is meeting at the bar with all these folks who are my friends; doing the stuff that we did together in college and here in town; that THEY are all seeing and talking and laughing and creating good community projects with him--and I am not.

They know more about what he is thinking/feeling/doing than I do.

So I want to cry.

I could, of course, really march into the meetings with my drawings and be as much a part of the production as my schedule allows. It sucks that I feel like I "can't."

I "can't", of course, because of the incredible pain it would cause me to sit opposite him at the table, talking about where the set goes and how it will be lit, etc., just like "it used to be."

It is my choice to take myself out of the group, of course.

But I am not strong enough yet to be part of a project with him.

BUT IT SUCKS! this is my group, too. My community work, too.

Weep, wail, cry cry, but I have to get back to work, somehow.

Thanks for listening.