You are very accurate, no offense taken. I know it is true. My head understands 1000% that I should cut off 99.9% contact with this man. My heart knows it has been hurt so much by him that I think it is on board, too.
I am trying to identify what is left that is stopping me.
I would like to think it is love, but it isn't. BC loving Dan would mean allowing him to fail, letting him feel 100% the consequences, the fallout of his choices.
Instead, as the counselor said yesterday, I have "absorbed 99% of the consequences, the pain, the discomfort" of our situation. Like not telling anybody in town about it for the most part. Like letting him be here all the time with the kids. You guys know, you have been here this whole time, you see it.
I am thinking maybe it is fear. But of what, I am not sure. Being alone? I don't know. I am alone now, in man/woman relationship sense, and I have been for a long time. Fear of the finality of being divorced? Maybe, but then it doesn't change much except I get a payout. I mean, my living situation and such won't change, I don't have to sell my house, etc etc.
Fear of failure, quite possibly. I don't fail at too much. Never have. Maybe I see actually being divorced as proof that I couldn't fix this. Fear of hurting my kids with a D, sure. I know that Nathan will be crushed when he ultimately hears the actual word "Divorce" applied to his mom and dad.
But living like this has to be confusing as heck, too!
That is why I am seeing the counselor. Not to tell me it is 'ok' to be done, I already know that. But to help me figure out, step by step, how I can do that for myself.
