Hmmm.....what a counselor. After our first 90 minutes, I can tell I will like her AND I can tell she is going to push me to progress...
Her thoughts based on the info I could cram into 90 minutes?
1)Wow Dan has MAJOR issues...her words, "Boy he really can't own responsibility for any of his choices can he?"
2)There will be no changing the situation unless I change it (now where have I heard that one before? ) Her words, "He sounds like he is not motivated to make any internal changes, and he hasn't had to."
3)Well, both of your parents have some special dysfunctions, don't they? Not exactly great examples to follow...
4)From what you have told me, including 3 infidelities that you know of, I think your pastor was right when he said you had ample grounds for divorce, Biblically as well as legally
5)You need to remove him from your life as much as possible INCLUDING: • Start communicating about arrangement w/the kids via email, not phone • He can have kid time, but not at my house (I told her he had no home and she said, “That’s not your problem”—again, I have heard that before!) • Get a third party to arrange pick-ups and drop-offs whenever possible • Do not spend time together, period!
The one thing though she said at the end that actually surprised me was, she wouldn’t push forward with the divorce yet. Basically she said talking about the D paperwork was one thing connecting us right now, and she would let it go unless he brought me the papers on his own. She said, as long as I am financially and logistically capable of taking care of myself and the kids right now, to just let it go for now. Focus on separating myself from him physically and emotionally, then deal with the legal stuff.
I like it! So much of it sounds familiar. As far as the D paperwork, in my mind that is a decision that you will have to make on your own. My gut reaction is that if you can stop the contact with him, it will become less important to you, at least for a while. It seems to me that it might be that you have been seeing the D as the way to cut off contact, which is clearly what you you need to do. Maybe there is another way!
Is the C a fan of MWD? Brief solution oriented therapy?
Not that I know of. She mainly does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Here is something I lifted off of her profile, fyi:
Stressed about the roadblocks in your life and relationships? I provide Mental Health and Counseling services, as well as Life and Relationship Coaching to individuals, couples and families from a professionally sound and spiritually-informed perspective. I have a desire to help you grow and experience deeper meaning in life and in your relationships. Let me help you with . . . Marital Satisfaction, Recovery from Infidelity, Singleness Challenges, Divorce and Step-Family Issues, Depression, Grief and Loss, Women's Issues, Eating-Disordered Problems, Stress Management, Setting Boundaries, Ministry-Related Stresses, Interpersonal Skills, Emotional Dependency, Cross-Cultural Adjustments and Life-Coaching issues.
I underlined things that "spoke" to me....I mentioned the "Boundaires" books and she is familiar with those. She also recommended Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough", which I already read but obv. didn't apply!!
Wow I like your new C alot - does she take long distance clients :-)! Prepare yourself for "not so pleasant" Dan once you start implementing her recommendations.
She sounds good BBJ...actually she sounds like alot of us here....except
<<Focus on separating myself from him physically and emotionally, then deal with the legal stuff.>> Can these two things (the physical/emotional seperation and legal proceedings)not be accomplished at the same time?
Some of us do not understand or believe that Dan is worthy of the efforts. Of course we are going on your writings.... Alot of what your C says was said here before and probably all over the self help books we all read. But unless WE decide to make changes, no book or C or DB buddy will do it for you.
You had a brief moment where it appeared that you were on your way to a life without Dan...you started posting to newcomers etc...it seemed that you were moving on. Recently, I detect that you are still willing to wait. You are not ready to do what it takes to end it....you expect Dan to. That is my take and it is not a judgement.....just what I am sensing.
<<Basically she said talking about the D paperwork was one thing connecting us right now>> It looks like all you need now is a signature....surely this can be accomplished without a "connection". The bottom line is I get the sense that you still do not really want to divorce Dan or remove him from your life (except for the kids), it IS your choice.
I hope this is not too harsh .... I have not said this in a while but .... still pulling for you BBJ.
I like what she has said to you. I tend to think that you can communicate with Dan about the D thru email as well or have your lawyer do it. If that is what you want to do.
I like the boundary setting ... it will force Dan to solve the problem of owning a house for a year and he can't keep his kids there. It will force him to do something.
So far, my STBXH has done nothing to facilitate this D or (seperation as he calls it now) that he wanted and needed so badly that he cheated, lied, and left twice to obtain. I don't want to be where my SIL is four years from now still married, still seperated, taking the emotional abuse that one takes when being REJECTED by the one that they love. It's not a healthy thing to do.
Please go back and read "He's just not the into you" and reference to Dan.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
If not, I agree. I think I like your C...she seems to be thinking along the DB lines...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
You are very accurate, no offense taken. I know it is true. My head understands 1000% that I should cut off 99.9% contact with this man. My heart knows it has been hurt so much by him that I think it is on board, too.
I am trying to identify what is left that is stopping me.
I would like to think it is love, but it isn't. BC loving Dan would mean allowing him to fail, letting him feel 100% the consequences, the fallout of his choices.
Instead, as the counselor said yesterday, I have "absorbed 99% of the consequences, the pain, the discomfort" of our situation. Like not telling anybody in town about it for the most part. Like letting him be here all the time with the kids. You guys know, you have been here this whole time, you see it.
I am thinking maybe it is fear. But of what, I am not sure. Being alone? I don't know. I am alone now, in man/woman relationship sense, and I have been for a long time. Fear of the finality of being divorced? Maybe, but then it doesn't change much except I get a payout. I mean, my living situation and such won't change, I don't have to sell my house, etc etc.
Fear of failure, quite possibly. I don't fail at too much. Never have. Maybe I see actually being divorced as proof that I couldn't fix this. Fear of hurting my kids with a D, sure. I know that Nathan will be crushed when he ultimately hears the actual word "Divorce" applied to his mom and dad.
But living like this has to be confusing as heck, too!
That is why I am seeing the counselor. Not to tell me it is 'ok' to be done, I already know that. But to help me figure out, step by step, how I can do that for myself.
) Her words, "He sounds like he is not motivated to make any internal changes, and he hasn't had to."