WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

So... I haven't received any of the custody notes from him that he was so determined had to be done ASAP.. I'm trying not to read into it to much (like the possibility that he doesn't want to finalize the separation) but as per my IC suggestion, I will be putting together my criteria for the custody lingo since it has to be done. At this point he can leave and go anywhere within the country with my kids without my permission since there are no separation papers or custody docs saying otherwise. Not a great idea for someone in his state of mind to have available to him... I don't think he would but then, I didn't think he would cheat on me either..

Rough few days emotionally as there are some "firsts" that he is missing throughout this all and some that I am missing in his life...

I'm struggling with my feeling of self worth right now.. I'm not sure how to feel like I deserve better than I have been treated (though intellectually I know I do)... It's been so long since I've traveled down this road of spiritual/emotional self discovery that I think I lost the map somewhere...

Any exercises that people know of to help with this? I'm not sure how to phrase it exactly, but that feeling that a person has that lets them know inside that they are entitled to be happy and have someone love them respectfully...

My next IC isn't for a few weeks and I'm having trouble getting on the GAL wagon right now.. feeling a little like a cork on rough waters..

[DiamondGirl]

Still haven't received anything from WAH about custody requests (I didn't really expect to since he seems to only become determined to finalize things when I tick him off). I know I need to get the custody done though due to an upcoming administrative meeting re: childcare funding through local county but I can't even bring myself to pick up the paperwork...
I never thought in my 20 year relationship that I would have to even look at custody papers... It hurts so much to even think of it.. And I'm afraid it will just alienate him further but there's no way around it (I'll lose subsidized daycare if I don't do it and I can't afford to right now).

I've been working hard on detaching my emotions from what may or may not be going on with him.. I've come to terms with it all being about his journey and not a reflection on me. I have been starting to set goals for myself and have been looking into what the more mature me wants to see/do in her life... But the fear that my R with this man I have loved for half my life is over is a hard mountain to get over... And doing official paperwork is another step towards that... (if that makes any sense)

I'm not sleeping well and S13 (autistic) has been waking and bouncing around a few times a night just to make things even more fun!

Sorry for the whine session.. I'm just so tired and heartsick..

[DiamondGirl]

So I thought I was doing well... until my son got into a box of our wedding photos and I had to pick them all up and put them away.. Can we say meltdown? I feel like I am back at square one again...

WAH sister is telling me that she doesn't believe he will come out of his MLC any better a person, that I should just forget about him.. I'm second guessing my feelings right now and feel so alone in my gut love feelings for him.

Did I pick the wrong guy and stay with him all these years? I didn't think so, but then I'm not sure I trust my feelings anymore since the ostrich syndrome episode.

I'm so confused in all this as some issues are coming up within myself that are unresolved (apparently) dealing with inner child/family of origin...

Is it possible for a spouse's MLC to trigger your own?

[job]

Actually, yes, an MLC spouse could trigger the LBS into crisis. Generally it can occur once his crisis is just about over. However, I don't think that's what is going on w/you.

The photo incident and the WAH sister have got you spinning. The sister doesn't have a clue as to what is going on and until she walks in your shoes or anyone's shoes that are dealing w/this, she needs to step back and keep her opinions to herself. Only you know what your life was like pre-crisis. Was it real or memorex? Only you know.

Give yourself a break....you've got a lot going on and yes, we all have days just like yours when we question everything. It's normal!

[cat04]

Diamond,

Just breathe through this. Just because you have to do this custody paperwork, does not mean that the world is crashing down around you. Right now, you are doing what you need to do to protect your family and yourself.

It is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. That the person you thought you could rely on is doing this. You will get through this though. You are just overwhelmed right now. Take some time, do the stuff you need to because you know logically that it is what has to be done and do your best to take the emotion out of it.

This is a long hard road. There will be times when you do feel like you are having your own crisis. Right now, you aren’t. You have a S with Autism and a H in crisis. That is a lot. So who needs you right now? To me the obvious answer is S. His problems can’t be changed. Let your H do what he needs to, continue down your path, be patient with yourself and your children and be their rock. You can do this.

[DiamondGirl]

Thank you Snodderly and cat04,

I appreciate your support and guidance. I did start the draft for the custody paperwork and am going to send it to my IC for her input (she works with marriages, separation etc too). I'll then email it to him for his response. Hopefully he won't start a battle over it because I'm not sure I'm up for too much more from him right now...

Thanks again...

[DiamondGirl]

So I let my emotions get the better of me again..

Yesterday I finished my custody docs draft WAH calls me last night to talk finances. He then says we need to get together to talk about custody. I say we don't have to get together at all to do it. He asks why I don't want to meet with him. And of course, instead of thinking up a neutral comment I blurt out "Because you are the last person I want to see right now!" (I didn't want to see him because I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it together talking about our kids).

He then says that he has written notes about the custody. I asked him why didn't he email them two weeks ago as he said he would. He said he was too busy these days. I then added to the fire by saying "Yeah well now I'm a single mother and I don't have the time to wait for you to get around to things."

So much for DBing....

*sigh*

[DiamondGirl]

How does one stop the spiralling?

Since last night after talking to WAH, I barely slept and have been struggling in my head all day to focus on something other than sitch.

I keep hearing this small voice inside me crying (inner child?) that I've been abandoned again (like when I was a child & not shown love).

Is there a way to more quickly get over those thoughts/feelings?

Has anyone with a similar abused/abandoned background to mine had any experience with inner child stuff? I feel like I'm going bonkers or something... I've left a msg with my IC but she isn't in today...

[job]

You cannot rush your process. You are going through the stages of grieving and it takes time. The more you detach, the better.

BTW, if he says he's going to get something to you, don't hold your breath on the timeline. Toss your expectations out the window and understand...time stands still for them and their minds are not on what is important. Their attention span is zip and emotionally they are all over the place.

[DiamondGirl]

Yup.. I knew it... Let the battle begin... I just received a response from WAH to my emailed custody papers "See you in Court" and no response to my asking what his issues with them are...

Stay tuned to this channel for more drama.. (sure to come)