snodderly-I agree there is no reason for me to spend much time trying to figure out the why. That is for my H to figure out.
Cyrena-The similarities are interesting as with so many MLCers. I have asked my C if depression can be genetic and he claims it can be. My H has been in denial of his depression. He claims he wouldn't want to take anti-depressants anyway and he has managed to avoid individual C even at our MC recommendation.
I have been contemplating on how to move on yet keep the door slightly open. Yesterday on a whim, I decided to text my H to see if we could talk. He responded and asked where and when. I let him know that I just wanted to talk over the phone and we decided on a time. In the meantime, I thought about what I wanted to say and wrote it out. This is what I wrote...
I have done a lot of thinking in the last few weeks…
First I want to say that I know that you are a good person and I know it was never your intention to hurt me. And the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt you. I want you to be happy even if that means that I am not in your life.
It is clearer than ever to me that the problem isn’t me or our marriage. I know you love me and there is a big part of you that wants to be with me but your choosing solitude over me, confirms that you are avoiding dealing with your issues and that you are depressed. I would do anything in the world to help you, but the reality is that the only one that can help you is you. If you could just try to help yourself with individual therapy and possibly medication, I could give you more time but I don’t see that happening.
I feel so bad knowing whatever it is you are going through has to be awful. However, your choice to continually avoid the issues that are causing your depression has left me alone much of the time. While I can handle being alone, I do prefer to spend my time with someone.
I’m not saying any of this to make you feel guilty. My actions have always been because I do love you and I wanted to save our marriage. However, I know I can’t save this marriage alone. The hardest part of all of this is knowing that your love me too yet you are still willing to avoid your issues and pick solitude over our marriage. I try to understand why but I am not where you are. I do know I am not responsible for your happiness…I just wish I could add to your happiness, just as I wish you could add to mine.
I could hold on longer if I knew you would come back to me but I know there are no guarantees of that.
Who knows what the future hold but for now it looks like our only option is to let each other go. I hope someday soon you find the happiness that you are looking for and very much deserve.
When we talked, I read what I had written to my H and he said he wanted to cry. He said it was the sweetest thing he ever heard and it makes him realize that he is the one with the problem. He said that maybe he is depressed. He said he knows he is a screw up and that he is amazed by my kindness and understanding. He expected that I was going to be upset with him and talk about filing. He claims he had been expecting me to call him (not sure it that is true) and that he figured I was angry since we had not talked in several weeks.
When I read him the letter, I didn't expect anything to change. His response has spun me around a litlle bit but I still have no expectations. He suggested meeting tonight to talk but nothing was decided. All I know is that I can't go backwards.
