Just want my H back

[pearlharbr]

(((hhh)))

I'm not sure I'm the right person to respond to this question, but I'll take a stab at it.

What do you hope to get from this friendship with H? And do you think you'll get it from the person H is now? From our previous convo and early in this thread I know that H has changed a lot since going to business school. Remember that this is who is now, not the same person you married. Do you like this person? Is this who you want to be friends with?

My take is that you want to be friends so you can show him how much you've changed and somehow convince him to reconcile. You know that's not how it works. You trying to make him see you differently is still controlling--you were wrong to leave, I want you to come back. It's about what you want and not about what he wants. You're entitled to your feelings and your desires but you cannot dictate to him what his feelings and desires should be. I know it's painful and it's not fair, but if H doesn't want to have any type of R with you right now then that's that.

You can ask him out to coffee or whatever but I think you're just setting yourself up for more heartache. Either he will decline the invitation or he'll show up and you'll struggle the entire time with not discussing the R or worse, you'll bring it up and hear more things you don't want to hear.

Some people need to hit rock bottom before starting the journey upwards. If you are the type of person who needs to feel that you tried everything, right or wrong, then go ahead. But keep in mind that it IS pursuing behavior and most likely will just push H away further. But maybe then you'll be able to get back to focusing on yourself.

Why do you hesitate to send H the letter telling him he's free to go? Because you don't really want to let go? The fact is that he is already gone. H knows that you're holding on so you're going to be his safety net if he ever decides he needs one.

Work on really, truly letting him go because you know that you deserve love and respect and won't put up with people in your life who treat you with anything less. I know it's trite, but if he can't value you for who you are then he doesn't deserve you. And I know that there are others out there who will. You're smart, beautiful, fun, and have your act together--total package.

I know it's not what you wanted to hear but I hope something in the rambling above helped a little bit.