So, I had to contact H this morning regarding finances. He has put us in a really rough position. I had to ask him for some money and he basically gave me the verbal finger and hung up on me! Now, I'm upset for sure! I'm 2 seconds from crying because how could he do this to us financially??? How could he throw our marriage away and rewrite history??? How could he not care about my well being in any way shape or form??? He doesn't care if we lose everything because of his selfish decisions!!! I can't deal with this rollercoaster. One day I feel great and the next he shoots my plane down into a fiery crash! What do I do???
So, I had to contact H this morning regarding finances. He has put us in a really rough position. I had to ask him for some money and he basically gave me the verbal finger and hung up on me! Now, I'm upset for sure!
You can not expect him to be who he was and unfortunatly right now you can't expect his help. He can't deal with his own issues right now, nevermind yours. I know....it sucks but look at him. He is making some pretty sh*tty choices.
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I can't deal with this rollercoaster. One day I feel great and the next he shoots my plane down into a fiery crash! What do I do???
Give it time. You learn to handle things on your own. You learn not to expect anything from him.
Perhaps someone can answer these two questions for me or at least have some insight. 1. Is it normal for and MLC-er to literally become the POLAR opposite of who they were before. Some examples that my H used to love or be adamant about are:
-Loved to surf. When we were married he would get up everyday rain or shine at 6 am and hit the beach and had since a child. Now he says he never wants to surf again and has put all of his boards up for sale. -H was a neat freak about his appearance, his home and his car. Now he could really care less. His car is disgusting, his grooming far from what it was before, and as far as his living conditions, I'm not sure. -H has always dated very conservative, I guess preppy, women. His OW is tattooed and pierced, young, blue collar and uneducated. Complete opposite of myself and any woman he was with before me. - Used to love our dogs. Now anytime he is around, roommate informs me that he just yells at them to get away from him. - Would give the shirt off his back to his friends and very loyal. Now with OW, doesn't speak to any of his old friends at all. They have abandoned him to a degree as well for his indiscretions recently with OW and towards myself. - Loved his job, said it was his passion in life. It really was and he has been there 8 years. Now, he HATES it and doesn't want to be there anymore at all and wants to switch careers entirely, just doesn't know to what. - Grew up in this coastal town we live in and had a deep affection for it. He would seek out art of local landmarks for our home because he loves it so much. Now he wants to move to the west coast and never come back. - Used to spend all his time at the beach, now he never goes and spends all his time in our downtown, young, trendy area. Sounds weird, but our town is divided to a degree between the two.
It seems so unfathomable that EVERYTHING is opposite to what he had done his whole life. There is nothing inside him that resembles who he has always been and the things he has always loved. Is this normal? I feel like an MLC-er would at least exhibit one normal behavior because that was who they were for so long?????
2. I was going through the boards yesterday and saw somewhere that there is research that shows when a loved one dies, the grieving individual can sometimes take on personality traits of the deceased. Has anyone heard of this? I tried to research myself, but couldn't find anything. Perhaps my terminology in the search was off. The reason I ask this is because my H father committed suicide VERY suddenly and unexpectedly a year and half ago. My husband never really grieved for it because he was the oldest child and felt a responsibility to his family to be strong. However, my H father made mistakes during his marriage to my MIL that is rarely talked about. My FIL left his family at the age of 33 for a year (possibly his own MLC, I would say). My MIL told me at one time that during that year, FIL made her out to be a monster to others and also cut off ties with his friends as my husband has done. There have been slight indications of an OW in that situation as well, but it has never been said directly. Is it possible that my H is trying to gain some sort of closeness to his F by reliving his life????
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.... As with almost everyone on here, these situations have deep undertones and the surface seems very superficial, but underneath they are very complex.
Oh, another glaring difference. I have been with my H for 5 years and have seen him drunk ONE time on our first date because he was sooooo nervous. Now he spends practically every night at a bar. This kills me because he could never cut loose like that out with our friends before and now it's the only behavior he knows. He also had a prescription for pain killers for kidney stones that he has ALL the time. He took 60 pills in 30 days. I couldn't believe it!!!
It was interesting to read your message, because as you were listing the changes in your husband it sounded exactly like mine! Mine used to love boats, spent all of his time working on ours, cleaning, fixing it up and taking the boat out whenever he had a chance in the evenings and on weekends. Now he wants to sell the boat and 'never wants to see it again'. Mine too was a neat freak and then became a slob. My loved our business which we established together, and then changed to seem to hate every moment he was in the office. Mine too changed from a social drinker to getting drunk every night. This all sounds like typical MLC.
I am now about 1.5 to 2 years into my husbands MLC. He has changed for the better. I found this website and read the DB book starting last April. Although my husband still has periods where he seems to run away and also acts like a teenager - he has changed for the better. I know it is hard when times are dark and you can't imagine what kind of alien is in your husbands body, but try to have faith in the man your husband was, and can perhaps be again. Slowly with DB-ing my husband started to help clean again, picked up after himself, and started to care again about our house and business. Is our divorce busted? I don't think I have a final answer on that yet, but he has not mentioned it for many months and it gives me hope.
I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone. Read as much as you can, there is very good info in the MLC archives. I also find it helps to keep a journal, I try to look for good things every day and that helps me to not feel so overwhelmed.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
Hi Forever! Thank you for the response. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the changes from what he was very passionate about before. My husband could never be swayed from any habit or belief and was incredibly stubborn about the things I mentioned before. God forbid we have anything to do in the mornings and he couldn't surf. He would be in a bad mood all day!!!! It breaks my heart all the time to witness the alien abduction. I try to keep the unwaivering faith that his head will come back soon, but I teeter some days (i.e. the past 2 days).
Forever, did your husband leave or did he stay in the home the entire time of the beginning stages of the MLC? What triggered his MLC do you think (if there even was one)? Was the trigger where you are starting your 1.5 year/2 year journey so far?
He tried hard to hold on tight to me even though he "hated" me for a few months. He's on a retreat from life right now though and has run from me. He was a nice MLC-er until the last few days and now he's been just mean!!! Possibly because I went dark with the exception of "business" issues and he's resentful that I cut him off. Minimal contact and he is being a "teenaged brat" more than ever with me. "I'm taking my ball and going home" kinda crap. Except for the ball is the OW and home is whatever couch he can crash on at the moment!!!!
Perhaps someone can answer these two questions for me or at least have some insight. 1. Is it normal for and MLC-er to literally become the POLAR opposite of who they were before.
Yes, they become the opposite of themselves. Very normal.
As the W of a former MLCer, I can assure you that it's quite normal for them to become their polar opposites. Do you know how teenagers suddenly hate the parents that they loved to spend time with before, give up all their "childish" toys in favour of new pursuits, seek out new friends, experiment with fashion, drinking, drugs and new images, etc--well, that's exactly where your H is at.
As that oldest, responsible child, he was probably not allowed to experiment and rebel in normal teenaged ways, which means that he has "missing building blocks" to normal development. Now his father's suicide has triggered depression and MLC, and in the depths of that depression he's become once again the teenager who has no idea who he is or what path to follow. He HAS to go through this to grow up fully, and because his brain is currently wired like a, say, 14-year old, he is seeking out younger and different friends, experimenting with alcohol, etc. Remember that it's agonizingly painful and confusing for him to have lost his sense of self--that, in time, may help you to develop compassion for him.
In terms of your second question, I read the same information, and thought that it applied to my H. His mother could be abusive, harshly critical and unreasonable, and that's who he became for awhile. I'm not sure that your H is unconsciously trying to regain closeness to his dead father by reliving his life--it could also be that, although when he was younger he criticized his dad's behaviour ("I would never leave my family and take an OW"), now that he feels the self-hatred of depression he's thinking, "I'm no better than my father--look: the same things are happening to me." (MLCers feel like victims of circumstances.) This would just reinforce his feeling that he's helpless to resist the path he's on.
My husband I suppose technically lived at home, but there were many times that he ran away. I guess I based his MLC starting time about then because he started to leave on weekends 'to spend some time alone'.
I think the only real trigger for him was turning 40. When he was about 38 he started to make alot of comments about how he was almost 40 and how old he would be. My husband is very controlling, so much so that in the 12 years we have owned our business, he has only gone on vacation for 2 weeks total. He was somehow convinced that the whole place would fall apart without him. I begged him to go, his parents begged him, but he wouldn't listen, he knew best. So when he first started to go for drives on the weekend I thought it was good that he was letting go a bit. What started as drives for a few hours, turned into overnight trips, then he would leave Friday to Sunday. During this time I realized that things were alot more complicated and began learning about MLC as all of his behaviors changed and he basically became a crazy person I didn't recognize. As I started to GAL, I would sometimes come home from a class midweek and find him gone as well. Sometimes there would be a note, other times he would send me an email that he 'just had to get out of the house'.
It was very very hard to deal with, but some of the early posts I read on MLC said that if they really wanted to leave for good they would, and it doesn't help to push them in that direction. Eventually, after months and months he stopped dissapearing midweek, and just this past October he spent a full weekend at home. Now he seems to only go every other weekend, that has been his pattern in the new year. So he seems to be circling and I hope will eventually decide to come home for good. His journey is still not complete, however, because when he is here there is alot of teenager activity - although I think I am starting to see the adult more and more.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
Cyrena, Thank you for responding my post. I must admit that I have read your posts before because it seems as though you have "done your homework" and I have found your posts to be very insightful. Interesting how they begin to take on the traits of the deceased. I have watched it happen before my eyes. It also doesn't help that his resemblence to his father is uncanny and H even has his same mannerisms and temperament. He has been told this all his adult life. Don't get me wrong, his father was a wonderful man when I knew him, yet I didn't experience his MLC stint. My husband would describe that time he left in his life as when he became the "man of the house". So you are absolutely correct on not being able to be the teenager. At that time, he was early teens. I adored his father and had a relationship with him that I really lacked with my own father. His father's best friend from high school told me at one time that "Steve f-ed up one time, but redeemed himself afterwards. He was a wonderful man except for that time". My husband witnessed that conversation (ironically this conversation happened days before the bomb after his grandmothers funeral at a luncheon). It made H noticeably uncomfortable now that I think about it again. H also made a comment in 1 of our 3 total counseling sessions that his father left for a year and came back and everything was perfect in his parents marriage... I was really upset about that comment because he was justifying the actions he was about to take in the following weeks.
Forever, Thank you for your reply. It's helpful to see the experiences of others that are farther along in this journey. My H too would disappear for hours and go ride his bike. We used to do this forever all the time and when I asked him if he wanted some company, he would say he needed time to think. My H too has popped in and out of the house. He left 2 weeks ago with no note or no warning. Packed up and left. I was actually relieved because of the tense situation and it hurt more having him do horrible things in front of my face. I went dark and he has become angry and spiteful over this. It actually has been the best thing for my well being to not know anything about his whereabouts or his current state. I would obsess about OW and when I would find his car in her driveway overnight it was more hurtful knowing I couldn't do anything about it. I fight the urge still to seek out where he is staying, but remind myself that it will probably hurt me more if I knew. I think that I have detached steadily since he has been gone the last 2 weeks. I miss him terribly, but I have to be selfish for the first time in my life and think about how knowing too much will affect me. I even have to stop friends from telling me things about him, the things he does, and how he has changed. I just ask them to write it down, date it, and stick it in an envelope and I will ask for it if I ever need it in the future in case of a court battle. Weird, but it seems to have worked for me. I fully anticipate within the next few months to have him demand to come back again because "it is his house too". He goes back and forth between the two ideas.
H has also insisted that we are "legally separated". However, all his crap is still here and he comes and goes as he pleases from the house before and after work. He also has not filed anything. I believe it is to justify his A to the outside world now and it's easier to forgive himself by telling himself we are legally separated. It kills me!!!
