I have not read your whole thread, so I don't know the whole sitch, but it sounds to me like you and your wife might get a lot out of a Retrouvaille weekend. From what I've read, it sounds like your wife is depressed and feels misunderstood. And you are not able to communicate well with her.
Have you looked into Retrouvaille? They offer couples weekends all over the world. There are follow-up sessions, usually on Sundays, and I know that would be difficult since you are not living near her. But just doing the weekend can be very valuable. It is a program led by couples who have been through the miseries of unhappy marriages and who solved their problems through Retrouvaille. They teach effective communication techniques that break through the backlog of hurt feelings and the walls that people have built up. The rest is up to you, to use the technique and work with your spouse, to understand and empathize with each other. For information, check the website, www.helpourmarriage.org. And there is more information on a thread in Piecing called "Retrouvaille Means Change", (really retrouvaille means rediscovery, but you get there by changing how you relate to each other).
