For me, what snapped me back to reality was time and what my h was doing. I knew, deep down, that what I was doing wasn't right.....It took me time to realize it. My h was a quiet DBer (never got the books, just did this on his own). He stopped arguing with me, stopped making me mad at him, did a 360 in his actions, all of those things I had wanted him to do for years he finally started doing, and the kicker that did it for me was he went to a counselor on his own "to help himself be a better man" and to save our marriage. I no longer had the excuse that he wasn't trying. For me, I couldn't leave the marriage if my husband was trying, but it was easy for me to say, "He gave up on me, and there is nothing I can do." Another thing that did it for me was the fact that I had a child. I kept thinking how even if I found the perfect man for me, I would have to have my child part time and that I just could not bear. It seemed idiotic to me to not try when my h was trying and I had everything to lose.
She definitely will be upset that you are home......she can't continue her affair as easily as she'd like. Absolutely DO NOT live with someone else. Make this HER choice, not yours. Making it her choice helps her see this realistically.
When (if) you confront her, do it with LOVE. Do not yell at her (she will egg you on), do not participate in an argument (have a statement ready, "I love you too much to argue with you. I'm trying to save our marriage.", walk away if you need to, give her time to think, do not look at her like you believe the nonsense but instead look at her like you know what she has been doing and do not like it but you are willing to work through it if she is, and during all of this, do your 360. Be the best man you can be. Look good, smell good, go out with friends,look happy (this is HER choice), show her that she is crazy to lose you.
whatdidido, could you please advise Hoping how to respond if his W says "I don't know what I want?" Also, how long might it take for him to put the changes in place before his W notices? More than a few months, right?
BTW you mean 180 not 360...360 is turning round a full circle and ending at the same point where you started
Good luck, Hoping!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Haha! Yes, 180.....Too funny...when I think of 360 I think how the person has to move farther and that somehow seemed better...But, I definitely didn't mean for him to come right where he started (unless, however, he made changes along the way to start over). I'm still laughing.
Hoping's wife says, "I dont know what I want."
Hoping says, "I want you. I want our marriage. I will fight for it because it is worth fighting for. I'll wait for you, I'll work with you, but I won't enable your affair."
I noticed my H's changes immediately, but believing them took a long time....even now, takes me a long time to believe him with certain things. It's like I made myself build a wall, to protect my feelings and to make it "ok" that I was having an affair, and it takes a while to let me break it down to let him "in".
No matter what she does, until you are divorced, it is not over (and I've even heard couples getting back together after a divorce). Eventually her fantasy will become reality. If she doesn't realize it early, she will find out on her own. I have no doubt. This is not an easy process.
Cutterbug you are right I know this will be a hard week. I have already started to tell myself this and I have found that it doesn't matter. I am willing to do what I have to and to go to any lengths to save my marriage. As hard as this is going to be I also know that NOTHING was as hard as having to take an honest look at myself and see the fearful insecure man I had become. And then came the point of realizing I do not like me and starting to change that.
WhatdidIdo I have already started doing these things you have mentioned. She hears a difference in me and sees a difference in the way I communicate and interact with her. SHe has already brought this up on her own. She also said she resents me some for it because she wishes I would have been this person before she went to someone else. She said she does not know what happened to the man I was but to leave him gone and she does not know what to do with who she sees now.
I think the six on six off schedule can work to my benefit because If I can create a better atmosphere not having been there then I can definitely do it during the time I am there possibly making the impact of me not being there even stronger.
When (if) I do confront her I will be loving. Believe it or not I have come to a place that I am not angry with her anymore. I really am understanding she is hurt, upset, confused, and trying to get her needs met. I have come to a place that I have been able to forgive not only her ( because she is not thinking clearly) but myself. She has stated numerous times as well recently without me asking her that when she tells him she loves him it is not the same as telling me. She said she will always love me more than anything in the world. I will not let her bait me into an argument. She has tried that a couple of times the last few days and I have been good at validating and defusing.
Newmama is right . How do you respond to that? The other things she has said is I'm not attracted to you anymore. I am attracted to him( He has the classic fantasy novel body apparently though I have found that since I have started working out I am getting FAST results but this is more for my own self-esteem). I think we moved too fast getting married. And As much as I love you I have to love myself first. I don't know if passion can come back and I want passion.
Sorry I know I have been writing a lot I just want to get as much help and feedback because I go home tomorrow.
She sounds exactly like I did. The fact she does not know what to do now is a good thing. She hasn't totally closed you off.
I think I missed something..what is the 6 on 6 off? You don't want to enable the affair by not being home if that is what you mean by 6 off.
You sound like my h in your forgiveness. It sounds like the validating is good. One thing to mention is that when I was in the midst of the affair, I wanted my h to admit we were not meant to be, that there was no passion, to agree that we shouldn't have gotten married....don't do that. Validate her feelings, but don't agree.
I told my h that I was not attracted to him anymore (even though he was wayyyyy more attracted than the OM). I told my h that I thought we married just because it was the right time in our life, nothing more. I told him that we BOTH (trying to suck him in) deserved happiness and love and that together made me like myself less. I told him that I diddn't have passion and now I don't ever see it coming back.
Don't apologize. We are here to help. We have all been here in some way or another. I'm going to throw something else out there.....Retrouvaille. Google it. It could be just the thing you need to get through to each other and start again. At least something to keep in your pocket. I remember feeling utter hopelessness...and so did my h...Retrouvaille helped us feel like there was hope.
Yeah she has said those EXACT same things to me! Unfortunately I am a residential counselor so when I am at work I have to stay overnight. Hence the 6 on 6 off. I may be able to find other ways to possibly block the web site? If you can think of any other ideas let me know. Part of the problem is I got depressed not having a job for 7 months and we were so unsure of how we were going to end up. At least this guy still lives with his mom though he is promising her to find a job at the beach and move there because she wants to live by the beach again.But also this job gives me the kind of schedule to do that for her if we work out and she knows that.
So you say to validate her feelings but do not agree. Can you give me an example of how to do this with words because in the past when I have not agreed with her on this point whether I tried to show her otherwise or not she would get angry with me for not agreeing and try to start an argument ( usually so she could say see you haven't changed a bit it is definitely over now. She will do that sometimes. Try to argue so she can say it is over like she wasn't so sure or like she wanted me to know I blew my last chance. Unfortunately this guy has the body she has always said she wanted me to get( I do have the structure for it. I am working out now as stated previously before but this has now become something I do for me. I am getting REALLY fast and definitely results and my self-esteem has done a complete 180. I really don't recognize myself but I also do not know if I should keep the changes under wraps for a little bit until they are a little farther along or if I should go ahead and subtley let her see the changes. From having been there what do you think? I know there is a SLIGHT chance she will ask me to go running with her which is something she had really wanted me to do. That is ostly where we have been connecting. SHe has been coming to me with her insecurities and frustrations about not getting the results she wants as fast as she wants and I have been using the opportunity to be her biggest cheerleader.
I will definitely check out Retrouvaille immediately. I will use anything that can help.
Just checked out Retrouvaille. WhatdidIdo I have to be honest I would go and give it a try because even though I follow Native American spirituality I see the depth and wisdom from many Christian teachings. My wife however is absolutely hostile to Christians or anything Christian based. She has already emphatically stated that if we do go to any kind of counseling ( which she flip flops on whether she is willing to do) it had better not have a Christian bent. Any ideas on this also?
Well, you could cut off the internet (that is, after you get proof of her using it to continue an affair). Remember, you say, "I love you, and I want to work on the marriage, and I will wait as we work through it, but I will NOT enable your affair."
Don't blame yourself. This is a two-way street. YOur depression with your lack of a job was something you had to work on, but SHE made the choice to start an affair. The OM will offer her the world now....and it will sound wonderful to her now.....fantasy. You can't compete with this right now because it is not real. Just focus on you and doing what you need to do. THere is nothing wrong with talking about dreams with her, but don't compete with the OM.
Validation is tricky when she is in the state she is in. Everything that is a disagreement to her is going to make her mad. Just don't agree with her when she says you never loved one another, that you think that it is over, etc. She wants permission to leave/have the affair. Don't give it to her. It will make her mad, but you stay strong/loving/firm/calm. Don't argue. For example she says, "You know we married too early, and we were never really in love." You say, "We married because we were in love, and I still love you." Repeat it over and over if you have to...even if she gets mad. If she tries to argue and it gets loud, etc., you say, "I do love you, and I always have. I won't give up on you or our marriage." and walk away.
Just a little note to you, and what I've learned. I believe when we get married those many years ago, it's easy to think that we didn't know enough about love to know if we loved who we married. But, I believe we married because we were in love. I believe that love changes as you are together, of course...because you grow and mature and you think differently than you did when you were in your 20s, but if you are constantly trying to find the person that is perfect for you at each moment of your life you would be changing spouses like you change clothes. Marriage is a commitment. Love is a choice. I don't want to be 40 and wonder if my spouse will leave me because he thinks like a 40 year old now, or at 50 think my spouse is now 50 so he is different than he was at 20 when he married me so I must not want to be with him.
Anyway....about Retrouvaille. It is not religion focused. It is more communication focused. It would be worth it to call someone and talk to them about it and ask your questions. They would more than likely be ok with explaining what the weekend is all about and to allow your wife to ask questions, too. It's free, and you stay in a hotel, and you get the food free as well (they do ask for a donation however...all anonymous).
