Hi all, Would love some thoughts on the friendship piece per above?
I was in a very dark place when I came home last night..it really kind of scared me. I felt very very depressed. Thank god a dear friend called and we talked for 2 hours - she went through something similar few years ago and was a godsend. She's also gone to intense therapy herself and coming out of her relationship, and said how it makes you look at all these other things in your life..hard work that is good to do, but hard nonetheless.
I also went to an IC on Monday that I saw part of last year. And I've been journaling and thinking. I know a lot of issues in my M were things I brought to the table. And I see how horribly critical and tough I was to live with at times...I see how I pushed my H away. (Of course I at times feel that way b/c he's told me it). But my friend asked me "do you really think you pushed him away?" and I thought about it and said yes. I said some awful things and I realize a lot of the root of it was being really critical of myself, and projecting it on to him. It wore him down. So I know I need to work on myself, taking care of myself, loving myself more...but that's hard when you feel you've destroyed something so valuable in your life.
Yes there were other issues and yes it takes two...but I'm realiizing my parents being so critical of me (though I know they meant well, but very high expectations) was how I often treated him (He used to tell me you're just like your mother). So of course now I'm feeling angry at my parents and all that B.S.... but i know i have to take ownership/responsbility for my actions.
But how sad now that it's too late? I feel like I drove him away...but there were many other variables there in our life circumstances..and traumatic things that happened in my past too. I wish he could see those with compassion and that when I 'acted out' it was not out of malice. I guess I feel ashamed and sorry for what I did. But I can't take it back.
Why is it too late to matter at this point? I know I can learn from this stuff but I just feel angry, at myself at my parents at my H for not understanding that these were mistakes, errors in judgement, things at the time over which I could not help...I didn't like who I'd become in my M and I went to IC and was trying to get help. He knew that. He took off b/c he felt he had enough, he was not happy anymore, he was feeling worn down.
To never have the chance to make it up to him is just heartbreaking. And yet I find myself missing him friendship terribly.
