Pls help--confused and fearful

[chatterbug]

Thanks Serenity.

{{hugs}}

I really think you can give DbD a hand here to get on her feet.

[chatterbug]

Hi DbD

What can we do to help keep you on the path to safety and security?

Lets list everything out. And your options.

I have no clue. I only see D. I'm too fed up.

The man is angry because I don't reply to his rude and nasty emails. NC makes him angrier, but I needed to do it to protect me from his nastiness and to detach. Maybe I screwed up with NC, but too late now. I'm just completely frustrated with this sitch.

That is what I mean DbD.

I am not talking getting back together. I am talking about getting you secure and safe.

[newmama]

Daybyday, How many times does the L need you to email WH so he will give a nasty reply about money? 10? 16? 50?- It is obvious already! sheesh.

Are you still under surveillance do you think?

[Day by Day]

I had to take a break of a few days. Doing more D paperwork... darn home inventory is a pain. Luckily I haven't really heard from WAH except an email wanting to see the kids all day Monday since it's a holiday. Modifying the schedule again. He won't see them Saturday because of his classes. It actually works out for me because I need to train on Monday for my volunteer position @ hospital and was going to be gone for several hours.

I appreciate you all rushing to support me. I'm still feeling low, but I needed a break from it all. My sitch just got to be too much. Instead, I buried myself in my classes that started this week and all the assignments. The distraction really helped. My sitch feels so absurd. Now I really do feel it's WAH that is just nuts. Guess I'm reaching acceptance.

One thing that really got me thinking was a comment my friend made about WAH... she doesn't understand how he could have a relationship with anyone with the way he's behaving now ie cruelty, pettiness, anger, odd behavior. Yeah, I know I don't like the person he is now, so who would?? Not that I or she think the A is over, just that OW isn't getting the better version of him probably.

I'll be back on later to catch up on everyone...

[Day by Day]

Journaling... hope I don't jinx myself... WAH has been really quiet and that's a relief in a way. The break from him has helped a lot. But I'm feeling kind of lost. Curious feeling. Maybe it was the stress of my dad's surgery yesterday. Felt all alone and had to support my mom. I wished I had WAH to just hold me and tell me things were going to be ok. But, I made it though and best of all so did my dad.

Wish WAH and I could just calmly, politely talk and he wouldn't be so angry and cruel. The kids say he's getting even touchier. Like hair-trigger anger with clerks if he doesn't get his way. He doesn't even ask the kids about their lives, school, grades, friends, hobbies. Definitely not the man I married. Strange thing is that the kids now think he's on drugs he's so different. All these years, I would never suspect he would, but then again, I never expected this sitch. But, really, what is it with so many others here describing their "alien" spouses?? They just all lost their minds, their integrity, their values? It's so hard to understand.

Haven't heard from OW's xH either. I'm better off not knowing what's going on with that trio. And, no, I don't think he's stalking me anymore.

I'm having a hard time completing the D paperwork to turn in. I'm procrastinating. Silly me thinking WAH might have a change of heart with all this quiet. Hope doesn't seem to die... How can I think this after all he's done and said? I even wonder if there is some more/other DBing I can do. Yet the thought of him coming back is distressing too.

I know it's just a waiting game on his part to see me exhaust all the funds he left me and beg him for money or file. I haven't written him asking for money anymore. I had enough rejection and dealing with "Mr. Hyde". At least I don't have those intense mean feelings WAH has. I just wish for understanding. I know... I may never understand or get closure.

[newmama]

DBD I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are.
How is your dad doing? They removed cancerous tissue, right? My thoughts are with you and wish for a speedy recovery!
All I can say is that by the sound of what your kids are saying about WH, he sure is stressed and preoccupied. Could be good or bad. You do know that either way, you will be okay!
Thanks for posting after your 5 day absence and letting us know what's going on.(((Daybyday)))

[Day by Day]

Hi newmama... been missing you all. Yes, it was surgery for a cancerous kidney. He's doing well. Thanks.

Yeah, either way I will be okay about my sitch. It's about WAH not me I see now.

I'm off to class, so I'll be back on later to catch up.

[Day by Day]

A girlfriend of mine sent me The Four Agreements book a couple weeks ago. I wasn't in any state of mind to absorb it. I heard it mentioned several times on several different threads here and thought I'd look into getting it. Nice surprise that my friend sent it to me!

Wonderful book. Highly recommend getting it.

"If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you."

I agree... the hurt is going away and my heart will heal.

[Day by Day]

I just missed a process server coming to deliver D papers. My S answered the door and a woman asked for me to come and sign some papers. When would I need to do that? For D papers. I was not home.

Well at least I've been somewhat ready for it. I was trying to get to my L yesterday to get my paperwork on the way. But it still is numbing. Nice... my birthday week.

[P17]

I had a big speech prepared for you DBD after I saw your update on FB. I was going to tell you all about how your life will be so much better, that it's not over until the fat lady sings and never say never.

I just decided not too. Sometimes something simple is just as good as a page of text (which is rich coming from me).

You will be okay. I have faith in you just knowing you through here. Your H is making a big mistake and I have no doubt in my mind that one day he will realise that. I actually think most WAS's one day realise it. It's usually too late. A marriage is special. Even though we live in a society that no longer places much importance on it, I think our generation has had it drummed into us.

Anyway, my advice is simply to do what I am doing just now. Do everything you can to prepare yourself for the D. Everything I have read and everybody I have spoken to (including a friend of mine who is the single strongest person I know!) has a breakdown of some sort days, weeks, months and sometimes years after a D. Some have a one-two day episode, some really fall off the rails. This terrifies me and my plan was to get my separation agreement, feel stable in my home and prepare for a D so that when it does happen, when I DO fall off the rails, it will be a short fall and not a long one. No separation agreement though makes it difficult, but we must still prepare.

I say all of that out of love DBD. I feel for you. I'm sorry this has happened but you're stronger than falling apart. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best and you'll end up somewhere in the middle.

By doing it this week you do know your H is still trying to hurt you? He could have waited until next week ... you're still winning. Remember that.

I read in a book recently, Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom (a fantastic book) a quote that has stayed with me and I haven't forgotten as it applies to me and almost everybody else here - "People are mean when they are threatened". I think that one phrase just sums up everything for me. Just remember it. Oh and buy the book - it blew me away (along with Five People You Meet In Heaven and Have A Little Faith - they are just books that make you cry and just feel good).

{{{Hugs}}}