Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

ALL - the update. We did talk, I know we shouldn't have, but one has to understand how much there is/hanging out there. Did I talk too much, probably. Yes, she initiated the talk. Did I learn some things, yes. Do I feel better, yes. Am I more optimistic, absolutely not.

We agreed that no decision needed to be made right now, we would just see if this panned out. I learned that as much as I thought my children were helping, W claims it is making her angry. Makes her angry to see me being the dad I should have been before. Reminds her of the unhappy times, which of course, is still being painted as the whole marriage. Makes her angry to see me doing all the things she used to do with them. At that point, I was very honest -- told her I had to do those things because she is never around anymore--someone had to fill the void. I told her our kids want her in their lives, what they really want is to do stuff with both of us. I told her that was part of my motivation to be able to keep on trying -- her reply is she doesn't want our kids to see a loveless M and right now she feels NOTHING for me. She actually said she respects me, we're good friends, good co-workers, but there is no desire in her for me.

I used some of the lines like needing a willing partner, are we ready to try to take baby steps and really try. Basic answer is not really. She feels nothing for me. She re-iterated she doesn't want hugs, doesn't want to hold my hand, nothing, feels nothing. She doesn't want me to see her without her clothes on and she says that tells her a lot. I validated how she felt and asked her if I was respecting her in those terms and she agreed I have been. She mentioned something about wanting space and I asked her about that and she agrees I have given her space.

Subject of OM came up and lack of trust on both sides. She still swears they have not been in contact. LIE that I cannot prove. I called her out on the phone, she gave me the phone after a long discussion. All evidence had been erased. She says she offered to give me the phone a long time ago, I blew that one if she did. So I have the pay as you go phone, not that they couldn't go get another one. I realize that, but the key for me was not in my house, where it was hidden. She swears she has let go because she has too. She says it was a mistake and silly to let things go as far as she did. I asked for a transparency plan in order to move forward...she said she doesn't want to move forward and she keeps stuff in the e-mail I don't have the password too that she doesn't want me to see about D options. She thinks I'm being silly checking on her, not trusting her, wanting the phone, etc. I told her to me it wasn't silly. Even though we don't have much of a M these days, we are still married and I am not going to share her, that is highly disrespectful and both of us deserved respect. Having an open M is not respectful. She seemed to understand that.

She says we are good roomates these days. She is willing to try little things like watching TV or watching a movie together - but we've been doing that for a few weeks now. She does not want a date night of any sort, said it will make her angry. But she is willing to get a sitter and go out to see a movie...again I guess basically as roommates.

We don't know what to do if I get that job. We pretty quickly agreed that we didn't even need to think about that right now, but strangely led to all the other talk that I just described. She did say again that 9 months ago she would be excited and this would be exactly what we wanted, but now its not. Its just unexpected and she doesn't know how to feel about it. She said if I get that position, I can't have the issues we have. I don't have any clue what she is implying there and although I asked for her to explain, I didn't really get one.

I asked if she was still willing to go to church and the answer was yes for the girls but not for us. I said it wasn't about us, it was about me and it was about the girls and I would hope should would go for herself. But she's not willing/wanting to go for her, just for the girls.

We agreed we would keep on working out in the morning's together -- that we enjoyed that.

So where'd we get -- nowhere. Did I make mistakes--probably and the 2x4s will come out. Where do I go from here -- well looking for advice.