It's a tough time you are living through and yes, time is warped, the wounds are raw but most of all you just don't know what is going to happen next ... and that is a mighty disempowering feeling.
Giving your wife an ultimatum (which I presume is what you are referring to when you talk about shaking things up or mentioning the D word) may give you a sense of being more in control of what's happening for you and to you. I completely get that.
Thing is, we only ever con ourselves that we do know what is going to happen next. When things are going well in our lives, when all the square pieces are in the square holes and the round pieces are in the round holes life goes on and we generally know what we are going to get from day to day. Truth of it is however that we never really know what's going to happen. As my mum always says "you could fall under a bus tomorrow." Seems to me, it's those times that you do fall-under-the-bus that you get to decide what the truely important things are in your life.
On the changing jobs/moving issues. There are at least two (probably many) schools of thought - and to be honest in your shoes I'd be very relucatant to toss in the job I was trained for to move to the place my partner ran away to - but I hear what my learnered friends are saying about being close to your kids.
I actually think these are two separate issues.
1. Your wife and children are currently living 4 hours away. That's not OK in relation to the opportunity you have to spend time with your children. If you do go the formal separation route you guys will have to come up with how to manage that. I don't know what the rules are where you live, but where I live one parent can't make unilateral decisions about where children reside ... it needs to be negotiated in the best interests of the children. If you say your wife isn't working now why is she there (I understood she moved there for a job? or philanthropic opportunity?) ?
Quite apart from what happens with your job or your marriage - it's clear that the current arrangement isn't great for you or the kids. I agree with you that it's almost inevitable that this status quo is dysfunctional to maintain.
Of course the risk of you moving to where your wife is, particularly for a down-graded job, is that she will consider it pursing, you'll still be living separately, so will presumably only have your kids a couple of nights during the week and every second weekend at best. Also not a great arrangement (although much better than what you currently have).
I agree with you that you probably do need to get some legal advice about what your rights and obligations are in the current situation and what's possible in the medium and longer term. Not getting that type of advice is analogous to noticing a mole changing shape or colour and not talking to your GP. No?
2. Your job. You are presumably the major income earner in the family? You are presumably supporting your family and two households. You need to rationally consider if that's sustainable in the longer term. If it's not you do have to make some decisions.
Bradley I was a walk away-wife (not proud of it) and I didn't understand what I was giving away until my xH got sick of my drama and sincerely moved on with his life. It was too late for us. I've got to tell you though that his compromises and attempts at doing whatever he thought I wanted were not the catalyst for me realising what I'd done. His resolve when he moved on galvanised me into action.
This pain doesn't last forever, it just feels like it right now.
Keep putting one foot in front of another, listen to your heart, but use your head. If your wife is in MLC or life transition or whatever words we use to describe her current crisis you may need to be the grown-up and that may mean making some decisions to ensure that when you guys do reconcile down the track you still have a great relationship with your kids, you do have satisfying employment to sustain you all and your wife still knows you are a man she can count on.
For what it's worth ....
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
