My new life

[C-Bart]

What bothers me more than anything else is this sense of charity coming out of my W. "I'll do this cause it will help you move on." "It won't change anything but if this will give you a sense of closure I'll do it." "Its over so this won't affect me."

Do I swallow my pride and just say thanks, your right I'm nothing but a big bag of goo?

[Lotus]

C-Bart,

My advice is to go and do Retrouvaille with an open mind and a willing heart. And remind your wife that that is what she agreed to do too. It is 2 days. It might not change your life, but if you don't go, it definitely will not help you in any way. As VH says, there's a lot to learn about yourself, about your wife, about love relationships by going to the weekend. You don't know what will happen there, and neither does she. It is an experience, a worthwhile experience.

[C-Bart]

Thanks. Tomorrow when we talk my goal will be to manage my anxiety and to approach this more calmly. Still having tendencies to slip into lizard brain.

[Kemper]

Hey C-Bart,

Let us know what happens with Retro. I have never been so I can't comment but based on my previous post and have others have said it is only two days. You don't want to look back later and ask "what if" we went. However, your expectations need to be in check as well.

[dwinter82]

A few threads back I thought the retro was a good idea and I cannot disagree with what has been communicated. However, it almost sounds like your W is placating now and is just going through the motions. If you think the retro will be a good experience for YOU, then you should do it. Kemper is right, expectations need to be in serious check to counter the emotions you might experience.

[C-Bart]

That's the part that is so troubling is she would go just to placate me. To sooth my emotions because there is definitely something wrong with me for wanting to keep the M and family intact.

This just makes me angry. Its condescending and disrespectful.

[Virtually_Handsome]

My advice would be that it may not be important why she will go, as long as she does. There is a chance it won't help at all. There's a chance it will. If you are going to worry about her motivations for things, you are only going to drive yourself mad. It's even possible that she is protecting herself by telling you she is placating, when she actually is having second thoughts. WE DON'T KNOW!

[C-Bart]

Very good points Jeff. I was kind of going on that premise until today when the physiologist jumped in. This guy is unbelievable. First time he saw he had her on meds and was explaining how her mother suffered from a mental disorder. Now he is pronouncing the M over. And the W eats it up like candy. Now she has an excuse for her behavior. Sick very sick.

[ClingingToHope]

I cut short our marriage counseling way back in February 2009 because I got mad W said she told the counselor she was just going to convince me it was over.

It's one of several things I wish I could do over.

If you don't go, you'll always wonder if it would have helped.

[C-Bart]

CTH, I did the same thing about the same time as you did. I just couldn't do it anymore. It was killing me. I was spending 1 hour with my IC plus 1 hour listening to my profess her lack of love for me.

As for doing it over, now, yes but I've had a year to grow.

I ended up sending W a txt as she is working tonight. Basically said I overreacted this afternoon and that I was sorry she was experiencing anxiety over Retro. I said I think it would still be a good idea.

We shall see. No attachment to outcome. I can handle it.