I liked the conversation you had. Stay strong, cool and confident. Remember, this is for you and your self improvement, if she comes around that is just a byproduct of the new you.
It does seem to confuse her, and that is a good thing.
So what do I do with this? How do I handle it and is there any way to help lift the FOG? Also I think she is pretty intent on trying to go to her parents should I speak with her father after I gather my intel about EA? How should I act...She. makes a BIG deal on making sure that I act like I will be her best friend but then she is VERY cruel at the same time. Do I just keep doping what I have been and planned on?
This stood out for me. I was the one having the affair in my relationship, hopingforhope32. What you are describing was how I was. She is not thinking clear....she doesn't know what to think because her feelings are all mixed up....She's mad at you for what you haven't done for her that she had to get on the internet, but she loves you and wanted YOU to be that one. She probably feels helpless like there is nothing she can do....
It's good she is coming home. YOu have a chance to show her your changes consistently. There will no longer be the excuse, "He stopped trying, so I did too." Do you have children?
She has a daughter who had a hard time bonding with me until my wife dropped the bomb. Right as she did this the kiddo grabbed hold of me for everything she is worth. She REALLY became open and affectionate.
I am the one coming home. She said she is willing to try being roommates. That was yesterday. And yes she has told me she wished I would have done the things he is doing. Specifically she told me of a conversation they had where he said something and she said all she could think was why didn't my H do that. She also stated why could I have not been doing the things then that I am now. Just little things like really listening and validating her feelings. Supporting her when she is anxious without trying to fix anything and telling her good job when she tells me she struggled but made through her anxiety. You know I really have been an blind jerk. But I REALLY like these changes ion me. I really like the man I am becoming. For the first time since she and I met I am really learning to love myself and it is making all the difference in my head and heart. She also told me yesterday that she does not know what happened to the man she knew but she does not want him back she just does not know what to do with who I am now.
Today she called me and spoke to me about her fears of life and some anxiety she has been having being home alone. She told me she has not been getting to sleep until after 2:30 in the morning. Being Native American we believe in different spirits and she was wondering why things in the house were happeing. I validated her feelings and she asked me if I could speak with one of our elders and I said yes. Then she asked me what our clan mother said when she saw us both. I was unsure about telling her because I do not want to push but I did anyway because one of her biggest complaints about me was not communicating with her when I was uncomfortable. SO I told her that our clan mother said she saw a whole lot of love between us but also a whole lot of fear, hurt, and skepticism and that the hurt and fear have to be worked through. My wife at that point said she does love me more than anything in the world even to the point of her own undoing. For the first time she did not bring up OM or that she does not want me she just asked me to believe her and to keep working on myself. I said I am doing me regardless. At that point I let her make some small talk and then ended the conversation.
Thanks dburt...Also another question...Both of our birthdays are coming up as well as Valentines day...I know OM has been pressuring her to see him on a road trip for Valentines day. Do I do something for her birthday and valentines day or what...
Other thing is...I know one thing she has always liked to do is pick out clothes for me and I have always been a little resistant. In thoughts of a new wardrobe would it be wise at this stage to nonchalantly ask for her help?
Well for the first time since we have been going through this she called me DURING her driving anxiety asking for help and reassurance. This is a HUGE step for her and one of those things that I was hoping to see. She opened up with some more conversation after she got home that she initiated in a respectful and dare I say warm manner. I know I am not out of the woods but I am very joyful about this turn of events because not but a week ago she told me that she felt alone and too far from me to trust me with this.
I have not brought up R discussion and am not saying I love you anymore either and I think this may be part of it as well as I have been constantly validating her for the last week and not focusing on the past but on what she is saying and feeling. Really trying to change our communication by changing my communication skills.
The other reason this is a big deal is because she did not call OM for this and she has not been on the computer as much yesterday and today...of course it could just be one of those busy days for her...These are huge changes from even a week ago. We have been married for almost three years and looking back we have been heading down this road for about seven months so I know I still have a lot of work to do. This is the 3rd time she has asked for help today or opened up. Any advice?
Remember women like to spin two plates at one time, if she thinks that she is loosing you, she might just come back and solidify you and then go right back to the OM.
Keep what you are doing, Except that it is probably boundry time if she says she is going to see OM or is busy for Valentines Day and has to go out of town, time to put your big boy britches on then and lay it down.
Let's wait and see what happens, still a way out until V-day
We have been married for almost three years and looking back we have been heading down this road for about seven months so I know I still have a lot of work to do.
It's only been five days since you joined the board, so yes, you have a lot of work ahead of you. I get the feeling that you allowed some physical affection turn you into jello, but don't be fooled into thinking she is through with OM.
I would not be too quick to jump in and expose if this has not turned into a PA. That's not saying an EA is anything to not take seriously, but I have seen exposing an EA backfire in a tragic way. If she was having a PA openly, bragging to friends & co-workers....then that is different. I know a lot of the men support exposing, and I do in certain cases.....but as a former AWAW, I caution you to be careful about that. Exposing an Internet EA could come across as being very vindictive.
I do believe in confronting the W about her EA and I do believe in setting boundaries. That needs to be done first. If she doesn't respect your boundaries, then you go to the next step, which is packing her bags and having her go live with daddy. After reading your last post, I'm not sure you are strong enough to do that.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am strong enough...Lately I have learned if I am feeling something to get it out somewhere safe so I do not run with it. I know that running with this little bit could ruin everything so I shared my joy with you guys...Believe me I am realistic at the same time. We have been separated for two weeks now ( I am supposed to go home tomorrow because I am not leaving our home and paying bills there for her to carry on with the EA on my dime. She is picking me up at the bus station tomorrow so I can go get my car. I know she said she wants to try living in a roommate type situation for a while but we are also supposed to be having a boundaries talk tomorrow or Saturday. Sandi2 if exposing at this point is a bad idea do you have any suggestions as to other ways to handle the EA as well as ways of setting the boundaries that do not seem vindictive and at the same time enable me to not be a door mat?
