Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

Today's D train update is interesting. W can't refinance the house because of the second mortgage -- which somehow is in my name only.

I'm not sure how that happened. Anyway, W proposed having her mom pay off the second mortgage -- about $14,000 -- then W would have enough room to refinance on her own. So I'd be free and clear of the house.

The stipulation is that she'd repay her mom the $14,000 out of the retirement proceeds. So mom would get paid off and I'd have to take less money.

I hesitated on the phone. I just couldn't visualize the numbers and W got frustrated and said if I don't go along, she can't afford the house and she'll have to go for sole custody and try to get as much of a weekly payment as she can.

I got off the phone and ran the numbers and what it looks like for me is that I'll get around $7,500 less than what we were originally talking about.

I can see why W needs to do it. It would lower her monthly payments $400 a month. She'd still have the house, which needs tons of work, and I'd be free of the obligation.

My gain is the joint physical custody and the lower bi-weekly payments. If I come out of the whole thing $100 a check better off than I am now, then that $2,600 a year and $26,000 over the next 10.

So I called back and said that would work. We kept talking about some other stuff and I brought up attorneys and she got frustrated again and said "I know, it's all about the bottom line with you."

I let that go. I was pushing too much.

I then summarized everything in an email and wrote that now that we are at this point it is about the bottom line and I agreed with her, we do need attorneys now because it's getting way too complex.

Awest, I read what you say about there always being a chance of her changing her mind. I met a guy last year who went through a nasty divorce -- depositions -- each side spent $6,500. When it was over and all his W had to do was sign the paper she didn't do it. They reconciled and have been together the past three years.

So yes, there's hope, but I just don't see it.

Last night I started writing a letter that I'm thinking of giving her the day after the divorce is final. It would basically say I never thought we'd get to this point, that we'd overcome so much that I thought we'd make it through this.

But noe that we are at this point it's time to build something different between us. And that my biggest regret is that I never did become her best friend. She doesn't trust easily and at some point I lost that trust. When she closed her heart towards me everything else began to shut down. She's a puzzle that I've always wanted to solve.

It's not done by any means, and I'll probably reword it dozens of times until it's perfect.

To me, a well thought out letter is better than a prepared speech that might not go well.

Perhaps I won't give it to her. There may be cooling off after the D train is done. It felt good to start it though. I'm a better writer than speaker.