TriDoc, Nice try on trying to relate your situation to the prodigal son in the bible...
It doesn't fly with me....
I will tell you why...
Did you notice that when the son (your wife) decided to leave that the father (you the husband) let him leave? or did you overlook that part? It seems to me that your wife is saying she wants to leave and you are trying to prevent her from leaving. Where in that biblical story does it say that the father tried to keep the son from leaving?
I would venture to say that if you want to follow the prodigal son as your own story, then you should allow your wife to leave as the father did in that story.
You are heading down a dangerous path thinking that what you are doing is unconditional love. You again are sadly mistaken. Maybe your wife needs to eat with the pigs for awhile. Maybe she needs to leave and be on her own for awhile.. Maybe YOU need to let her freely go.
Best of luck, Doc. I think you are right in forging your own path through this. Stick to your personal principles and you will be alright. I hope that the two of you will slow down this path to divorce. There is not a hurry to get there. You are both in an emotional maelstrom now. You are right in modeling the Prodigal Son. There is life after an affair. Many couples have chosen that path and are better for it. But it takes a desire from both spouses. I hope that your wife will soften in her stance toward you and open her mind to it. if you ever get the chance, I still recommend Retrouvaille. The couples are wonderful role-models of how the unhappily married can become the very happily married. Again, best of luck with the journey ahead.
Gucci is spot on. I read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" in it's entirety yesterday and Dobson disects the prodigal son story. He states the prodigal son only came home after his money ran out and he had to eat with pigs. The father did not pursue the son or try to hold on but allowed him to leave. The father then allowed the son to return home only when the son was ready. Otherwise the son would have felt trapped, which is what your W is feeling right now.
Tridoc, imo, if you haven't read Love Must Be Tough you should. Only takes about 3 hours and I'm not a speed reader. If you really do want your W back, you have to set her free. I know you are on an emotional roller coaster right now (btdt). I've arrived at that decision for my M and I'm finally beginning to feel self confident and gaining some self respect back for myself, even if my W doesn't yet. The WAS has to suffer consequences for their actions. Allowing them home base to return to without any risk means they can pursue their fantasy and if it fails, they know they can return to the LBS. When you set them free and tell them you are moving on with your life without them, it removes the safety net and there is risk to their decisions where once they felt none.
This will most likely be my last post on this thread on this forum
There are other ways to communicate. Join the alt with a made up name. You can find us and message us through that. A little more difficult but it works for me. I might be getting spied on also. I changed all my passwords, new e-mail addresses.
I wish you the best. I can kinda see two different points of view here.
I can understand about the unconditional love; we're all different and there is some belief that some people may react well to that. But it's also a fact that forgiveness and love can be completely independent of your R status. You could totally unconditionally love your W and forgive her while being divorced from her, while she is still seeing OM, or if you reconcile. I posted before that I do believe that there is a Hell, and a heck of a lot of people in misery in there, and that God loves them all, unconditionally, but they're still there, and still suffering, because they are given choices and they choose to make the wrong ones.
Unconditional love and conditional relationships are probably the most I can say about "ideal" situations. I'm sorry, but being in any relationship comes with obligations, commitment, benefits, and duties. No one party can free the other of these even if you wanted to, it's part of the territory.
For reconcilation to have a chance, forgiveness is meaningful when there is remorse. Remorse is often driven home by painful learning. That's why humans were driven out from Eden from teh beginning - we gotta pay our dues and learn our way.
Unconditional love should not be confused with trying to pay someone else's dues for them. You can release them from the debts of resentment, pain, anger and hurt they may "owe" you, but the picture is bigger than just you.
Others have already pointed out the fact that the prodigal son had to suffer, learn, and return with remorse. I'll add this - Jesus forgave those who hurt Him. He also rebuked many, including the Pharisees. "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him". Afterall, "better is open rebuke, than hidden love" as Proverbs put it.
People on these boards mean well, and many have seen how tough love is needed precisely to break the WAS fog and confusion. But each of us know our own sitch best, and make our choices as best we can. I too, broke some DB principles and practised small doses of "unconditional love" with discretion. Doesn't always work and I'm still learning.
Oh, and I would love to look up you folks in the alt too .
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Sorry for the hijack of this thread, but I have read a lot of your advice that you have given to others. I would love your advice on my stitch, it would be greatly appreciated. See my link below
