Looking for Advice

[CityGirl]

Don't you think waiting until you know 110% if you even have the job is reasonable? I understand you are on the short list but that is no guarantee you will be chosen or elected for the position.

That would be my rational thought but I don't know what you do exactly so I don't know if you *can* wait and see.

[Lost Rabbit]

GW Breathe mate, your hyperventaliting and that wont help you think!

I get the impression that you cant turn this job down, or would be daft too! Well what you need to ask yourself is the job worth your marriage. Ok youre only in the running there is no guarantee that you will get it. Are you prepared to let this opportunity pass to reconcile with your wife?

Write yourself the old pro's and cons' list, take a professional POV with this. Are you willing to say to W I want this job but I dont want to be apart from the girls and you, and restate your wanting to work on your R and leave it to land on MrsGW..

Yes it is all exciting or would have been 8 mths ago but if it just strikes fear into everyone you have to ask yourself is it worth it!

[gutwrenching]

There is no option to turn the job down, I'll let a little bit be known. We are in the military...

[CityGirl]

There are many people here in the military... geesh, you had me thinking it was something WAY different!

If you are in the military a location change should be pretty "old hat" to both you and your W, right?

I know you can't turn down a job but you don't even know if you will be selected. As of right now you are on the short list. I ask again, do you feel it is wise to wait and see if you are chosen before you stress so much?

[Lost Rabbit]

Cant see saying no going down too well then eh GW! So IF you get this job should things be ok with you and MrsGW would she have come too or would she have to get a job in the same place? My neighbours were both RAF but were at two different bases in different jobs so I have a bit of an idea what its like in the UK system but not US.

So if you go in two different directions how would they normally sort out the kids, presume its sexist to say they go with mum so whats not to stop you taking them with you! Why should they stay with mum, and wouldnt you give them some input to where they wanted to be, that could bring MrsGW up sharp I dont know, Im just putting ideas out there to see if something resonates with you to help the situation so sorry if its not good replies.

[dbs]

I've read along with your sitch. My wife is on #3 WAW. I see alot of me in you, or at least the way I used to react. I'd get so stressed and worked out that I was having a panic attack, and that is NOT my normal, but I let it be.

Most of the time if I would give it just 1 day it would be much better.

I know that right now you cannot see yourself even possibly surviving w/o family intact. It's tough!!!

You've got to destress RIGHT frikken now!!! Nothing is going to be solved today, or lost today. You certainly do NOT need THE talk today, or even tomorrow, despite what you might think. Getting on here and venting may be the best thing for you right now, but you really have to get a grip and realize you don't need to panic.

Do exactly what the experts here are telling you! I love my wife as much as any man also, but after 3 episodes and feeling like you do on the first 2, I do much better following the directions here, and guess what-so does she.

I would get all jacked up only to find it was ruining my day. At some point she will have to make the decision to stay or go. Limbo is Hell, and that is what we usually put ourselves in when we get the cart before the horse.

In my case, she has moved out for the 3rd time. I may not be done-done, but I am done with this pattern. Not healthy for her or me. Luckily, all my kids are now adults, even though the 27 yr old son with mental issues and currently living with me says her first leaving started his depression.

You can only control you. Keep doing the good work you have been, but no matter the anxiety you feel right now-Find something that can lower your stress level for a few days BEFORE you have any talk!! Take the time to listen to those on this board, take deep breaths, and just calm a little.

You WILL be ok!

[rr22]

Everyone who has an EA wants to blame their spouse for it, some because they secretly feel guilty and can't admit it out loud yet. Others because they resent you for not meeting their needs at the time (whether this is a true charge or not) and their own anger and guilt has to die down some it seems before they can see both sides to it.

Personally, I would not bring up MC or her going to therapy at this time if she is still in an angry or resentful mode. I WOULD mention that I was going to IC to move forward positively for myself regardless and leave it at that and also somewhat mysterious. I don't know how exactly you should say what you need to say tonight, but you seem to be on the right track. I like positive, hopeful, and future-minded and the idea that she's welcome and wanted and the kids are at the center of your life. You can say all this without begging or apologizing. Maybe throw in something about her own career goals and personal needs being able to be met too. She should not feel that it is either/or. Both of your career needs and aspirations and R aspirations will be met in this future life. Win-win.

Also, it's a new beginning. Not the same relationship from before. A new page. This makes sense also in light of the IC. (She might later start her own IC if you lead by example.)

[Lost Rabbit]

GW I hope by now things will be a little more in persective and less panicked as you first thought! Will be thinking of you and check in on your in the morning (((_)))'s Lost!

[gutwrenching]

ALL - yes things better now, I am calmer. I got blind-sided by that one because I had already replied that I had no interest in the position and didn't think my name would be tossed in the ring.

I had to get the shock out of me. I will NOT bring up talk tonight, but I really think the W will; she said she will, I don't think she'll forget or ignore or try to avoid. She knows I am not happy about being put in for the position and she understands, so I think she is going to try to make things a nice evening. I might try to suggest we watch some TV shows we have recorded, that might be my only hope of avoiding the talk. Maybe I am wrong, but I doubt it. She has taken to joking about the situation. We had another meeting together, she suggested we go visit with a couple of people in the building, and she was joking about things. As we walked back, I said so you are taking the joke about it approach. And her response was what else can we do, but try to laugh about it. She was very friendly, nice, etc.

Do we have to talk about it tonight, no, but having been in these types of situations before, it can be a fast moving game with a lot that would have to be done in the next month. One of the biggest decisions would be to live together or apart - would make a difference on the house I was provided to live in. She knows this without me saying it. If not for our issues, the smart thing to do would be to talk about tonight. Thus, I think she will bring it up.

I think I can do damage control. In a dream world, she will say (without me asking) that she is going to give us a try. I don't think at this point she would say I want to live separate in Hawaii...I don't think she is 100% there, I don't think she'd want to unload that on us (we've had enough for today), and I don't think she'd want to deal with the potential fall-out of having everyone else know this dream team couple (as people see us) doesn't have it so well.

I think I'm going to get a "I don't know what to do" proclamation...So I can just re-iterate that I am willing to work on us, it is best for our kids, it is best for us, but that she has to be a willing partner. I can say this is a unique opportunity for us, our kids, our family and for her career too because she will be taken care of.
She would then most likely say something like she doesn't know yet, she's not there yet, she doesn't know if she can ever love me again, etc, etc. I've heard it all before, don't think much has changed.

[gutwrenching]

If you are in the military a location change should be pretty "old hat" to both you and your W, right

yes it is old hat, but we have never moved apart at different times and never with one month's notice. This was supposed to be a routine move in Jun/Jul. If this job falls thru, it will be again, if not, I leave here in less than 30 days. Not what I need in life at the moment.
I am stressing well because the person selecting for the job knows me (so that worries me) and because it will drive some quick decisions on W's part about our future.

So IF you get this job should things be ok with you and MrsGW would she have come too or would she have to get a job in the same place?

Yes we would be together in Hawaii, they are alrady lining up a job for her in case I am selected. We are a package deal, no one knows we are having issues. She isn't going to fight this because she doesn't want our girls to be away from me.

Nothing is going to be solved today, or lost today. You certainly do NOT need THE talk today, or even tomorrow, despite what you might think. Getting on here and venting may be the best thing for you right now, but you really have to get a grip and realize you don't need to panic

I am getting a grip, I needed to release, I did, I am out of panic mode. Like I have said, I think the W will insist on talking some, but I've already calmed down to the point where I think I can do damage control. Timing is bad, but it is what it is. If W wants to open up and share with me what she is feeling/thinking, I have to listen, validate, be attentive...if she wants to try to connect because of this mild "crisis" I can't push her away, so thus I think the talk will happen. But i will not initiate.

You can only control you. Keep doing the good work you have been, but no matter the anxiety you feel right now-Find something that can lower your stress level for a few days BEFORE you have any talk!! Take the time to listen to those on this board, take deep breaths, and just calm a little.

Anxiety is not there much, I'm calm now, stress levels very moderate. I recovered quickly...just needed to vent to get some opinions from people.

I WOULD mention that I was going to IC to move forward positively for myself regardless and leave it at that and also somewhat mysterious. I don't know how exactly you should say what you need to say tonight, but you seem to be on the right track. I like positive, hopeful, and future-minded and the idea that she's welcome and wanted and the kids are at the center of your life.

I am not in individual counselling at the moment but am looking into it. I guess I can just mention I've begun exploring IC to ensure I continue to move forward in the right direction.