H suddenly moved out 10 days ago...I'm devastated

[CityGirl]

I am going to be very blunt here....

If you have been trying to GAL for 6 months now and you still have not and are still struggling to GAL then it's time to find a new approach RIGHT NOW. Yes, we get it, you have lots on your plate, we all do. You sound like an amazing mother. You sound like a hurt wife. You also sound like you are lost because you don't have control (which I suspect is an issue for you). Stop thinking and start doing. Stop using fancy words and in depth explanations and do something right this minute for YOU and YOU only.

With all due respect do you think your husband would find you remotely attractive if he came home to find you watching DVD's and "licking your wounds"? NO!

Start setting boundaries because right now you are making it *very* easy for your H. Let him crash and burn.

You should be telling him that NOTHING else will be removed from the home you share that is joint property. Not one thing.

You should tell him you will need xxxxxx dollars per month to run the household and other than that shove all the business debt he created back on him to take care of. Give him a good taste of being a single parent, being loaded in debt he created with no emotional support to deal with it. Let him see the solid, stable lady in his life is gone. Then maybe the hottie and karate won't be quite so interesting to him because after a roll in the hay, well, young hotties don't care much to tend to children and bills and debt that doesn't even belong to them. That is boring!

Look - I know this is hard. I kid you not I had a nervous breakdown from the stress. You write fancy but its all excuses and justifications. STOP. You are only hurting yourself.

Now, you can think I am an uber bitch and that is just fine by me. I am sure somebody will find a more "kid glove" way to say this but you really are only hurting yourself more.

[Ready2Change]

I am going to be very blunt here....

If you have been trying to GAL for 6 months now and you still have not and are still struggling to GAL then it's time to find a new approach RIGHT NOW. Yes, we get it, you have lots on your plate, we all do. You sound like an amazing mother. You sound like a hurt wife. You also sound like you are lost because you don't have control (which I suspect is an issue for you). Stop thinking and start doing. Stop using fancy words and in depth explanations and do something right this minute for YOU and YOU only.

With all due respect do you think your husband would find you remotely attractive if he came home to find you watching DVD's and "licking your wounds"? NO!

Start setting boundaries because right now you are making it *very* easy for your H. Let him crash and burn.

You should be telling him that NOTHING else will be removed from the home you share that is joint property. Not one thing.

You should tell him you will need xxxxxx dollars per month to run the household and other than that shove all the business debt he created back on him to take care of. Give him a good taste of being a single parent, being loaded in debt he created with no emotional support to deal with it. Let him see the solid, stable lady in his life is gone. Then maybe the hottie and karate won't be quite so interesting to him because after a roll in the hay, well, young hotties don't care much to tend to children and bills and debt that doesn't even belong to them. That is boring!

Look - I know this is hard. I kid you not I had a nervous breakdown from the stress. You write fancy but its all excuses and justifications. STOP. You are only hurting yourself.

Now, you can think I am an uber bitch and that is just fine by me. I am sure somebody will find a more "kid glove" way to say this but you really are only hurting yourself more.

Very wise advise. ( I have a hard time taking of the kid gloves.)

[CityGirl]

And, to comment on what you posted earlier.

You said your H WANTS a trial separation and hasn't DECIDED what he wants yet. Okay, that is your H. You are not required to go along with this plan because if you continue to, you are giving him the best of both worlds. He has somebody to do all the grunt work with the kids, somebody to look after his debt, a soft place to land AND the freedom to "think about things" with little responsibility or consequence.

Let him sit in a teeny apartment with no furniture and piles of bills and give him a good idea of what divorce looks like. You can do all that without saying a word!

If he is working too hard it is only HIM that can decide to stop spinning his wheels and make a new plan. You cannot control that!

[WhatNow]

I have been following your thread because I am in a similar sitch but maybe a week or so ahead of you. I will share some of the things I have been doing differently ( not all DB endorsed).

Re: GAL... I too liked my life as it was, very full and busy. So, I have started small, I now wear eyeliner! Now I am looking into yoga studios. Do you know a few women? Get 12 together for a monthly bunko or book club night. I think the point is to add something new to your life, not totally change it ALL now...We've had enough of that to adjust to, once they move out.

Re: H moving out. I told H when he left to take what he needed cuz he wasn't welcomed to in and out privileges. I told him his choice to leave was so painful for me that continued contact with him would be impossible for me. He was choosing to leave, so I was freeing him to his choices (and their consequences) Then I had the locks changed. The No contact has made it much easier to take my focus off of him, and focus on me and my kids. I am much more at ease and am even enjoying my freedom to putz around the house, cook what I like, and watch TV all night! You have NO CONTROL over what he does! He is obviously in chaos and willingly sharing that with you. I encourage you to step out of it. Make it clear to him, maybe in an email, so he can revisit it, That you do not want D, that you want him to return, but meanwhile you need space "to clear your head" and to protect yourself from further pain. Then make yourself scarce. He must be very attached to you, and may only notice when you are not always available to meet a need. It is working for me, so far.

Re: removing furniture. If it is something stored in the basement or garage, I wouldn't have a problem letting him have it now. BUT...if it is something that would cause a big change in a room, No way! Like I said above, We have had enough change for now! The kids especially need to feel home is secure base and if big furniture is disappearing along with Dad, they will wonder what or who will be next, adding to their insecurity.

Let me know what you think.

[june72]

Hi Flowmom,

Have been reading along. I have some things in common with you. First a sweet proprioceptive sensory seeking boy who can get pretty wild-hehe. He is 7, ironically my cutie 3 year old boy is the exact opposite and freaks over the littlest things- a hair touching him, his shirt tag, food textures, etc. He had some health issues which are doing much better with a new treatment plan from a specialist but I still am having some bad nights. I know you've read the Out of Sync child, right? I mean that's the bible for kids like this.

We did send our son to school, was worried but the district has been wonderful. I think with his energy level and need for action school has worked. They are willing to do anything necessary like fidget toys, bands on the chair etc. I just know that he is actually happier in school that he was at home. I just couldn't entertain him enough and he loves seeing all his friends every day. I also needed it b/c I was exhausted with the 2 of them.

I felt so trapped at home with constant sick kids and working from home, I hated it. I did join some meetup mom's groups. I still am trapped at home a lot but at least there are a million activities I can sign up for, I usually quite often end up canceling but it's not a big deal. They also have a message board so you can have some virtual socialization.

I believe you stated you are from Canada and I know that they have meetups also.

I get how hard it is to socialize with 2 young kids and I still have silly goals like not skipping a day for showering or actually blow drying my hair instead of letting it air dry. Lame, I know but the cleaning and tending to the kids and day to day activities like haircuts, Christmas shopping, doctor visits- I see how it sucks the energy out of a mom. That is why I am always impressed when someone has several kids.

Anyhow, good luck with things. My hubby and I had many rough years and he decided on an in-house separation that lasted 14 months and now we are piecing. I think stress and our poor communication skills and kids health issues (autoimmune stuff and genetic disorder) really brought out the worst in us. We have been a couple for many years previously and while we did fight some, after kids things went to hell pretty quickly. The stress of being parents is what I think really strained the marriage. Oh yeah, our finances are pretty tight too but nothing like the situation you are dealing with. It's an additional strain though.

Stay strong, I wish you luck with everything

[Onthemountaintop]

Hi,

I completely understand the boundaries thing. Setting boundaries can help each side know what they want. It might not be best to go overboard. Maybe (this is a big maybe) the bookshelf can bring him memories of good days and his past commitments. Maybe it is box at a time because he is looking for a reason to stay, or an invitation?

Who knows! I know many days I don't...but patience is tested most in situations like this. The two days my W and I were separated and I was 1% away from leaving for good were the two days I thought she'd given up and wanted me gone. Boundaries are good, but emotional reactions can easily come from what seems like a boundary.

I'm thinking about the shame idea in the book I read - if he worked with you and bought with you a bookshelf, but then wanted it, how might he react if he was told hands off? If the D was happening for sure...who cares, but otherwise a piece of furniture could become a wedge.

[flowmom]

I think I have been officially 2x4ed . Thanks CG, I know you meant it in a supportive way. As for expressing myself in a "fancy" way...that's just who I am .

I think that OTMT's cautions regarding boundary-setting are pretty relevant for this situation. First, so far H has been playing ball in terms of doing the childcare that he can, financially supporting me, and doing what he can to make this as cooperative as possible. Second, H only moved out 18 days ago...I don't have the emotional clarity to set authentic boundaries yet (I don't really care about the shelves themselves, they are just a symbol of his setting up a home elsewhere). Third, random boundary-setting would be a big negative trigger for H. Based on my many male divorced coworkers' experiences, he is expecting me to get really mad and punitive and for things to get ugly and turn into a big fight. That's not what's best for me or my children. When I set a boundary it will be me defending the values and needs of me and my children.

[flowmom]

My hubby and I had many rough years and he decided on an in-house separation that lasted 14 months and now we are piecing. I think stress and our poor communication skills and kids health issues (autoimmune stuff and genetic disorder) really brought out the worst in us. We have been a couple for many years previously and while we did fight some, after kids things went to hell pretty quickly. The stress of being parents is what I think really strained the marriage.

I am so glad to hear that you are piecing . Thanks for sharing your experience, I sounds like parenting put your M through the wringer as in our case.

I was looking at a photo of H and I on vacation while I was pregnant with my first child. We were so happy and having so much fun on our adventure. It was romantic and we were excited and looking forward to being parents. On a short year later, the long downhill slope had already begun . I have regrets about not making our M enough of a priority during those years.

[flowmom]

Re: H moving out. I told H when he left to take what he needed cuz he wasn't welcomed to in and out privileges. I told him his choice to leave was so painful for me that continued contact with him would be impossible for me. He was choosing to leave, so I was freeing him to his choices (and their consequences) Then I had the locks changed. The No contact has made it much easier to take my focus off of him, and focus on me and my kids. I am much more at ease and am even enjoying my freedom to putz around the house, cook what I like, and watch TV all night! You have NO CONTROL over what he does! He is obviously in chaos and willingly sharing that with you. I encourage you to step out of it. Make it clear to him, maybe in an email, so he can revisit it, That you do not want D, that you want him to return, but meanwhile you need space "to clear your head" and to protect yourself from further pain. Then make yourself scarce. He must be very attached to you, and may only notice when you are not always available to meet a need. It is working for me, so far.

That really makes sense to me. Neither my H or I would feel comfortable with that, though. I think it would be too hard on my kids because H is a very involved father. H would be enraged if I tried to limit his access to the kids, and it wouldn't benefit anyone.

[CityGirl]

Setting a boundary about the "bookcase" really isn't about a bookcase and it most certainly is not random but I suspect you know that.

The boundaries you set now can set the tone for many things to come. Healthy boundaries are set to create a healthy space and foundation for you and perhaps your marriage (or maybe not). If your H doesn't like your boundaries, well, tough. Setting boundaries is not about enraging your husband. There are many very, very good book rec's about setting boundaries and why they are necessary. Why in the world would you cooperate with your H to dismantle your marriage? If he decides to divorce you there isn't a think you can do about it but you are under no obligation to help him.

If you are only 18 days in and feeling like a "bookcase boundary" is too much then why in the world were you requesting advice about MAJOR and very long term financial moves a week ago?

In less than three weeks this man has left you with two small children, suggested mediation, contacted legal counsel and introduced your two young children to a woman that you don't know. That doesn't sound all that cooperative to me!

You seem to need some big huge sweeping *thing*. You don't want to set a boundary that is not "authentic", you can't find ONE new activity as you are just certain it won't be nourishing enough for you because of your personality profile. You feel listening to DIVORCED MEN is wise and you are fearful of upsetting your husband more. He is not being a "good guy" simply because he is financially supporting you.

You say it's your nature to fight for what you want. Well, many of us are telling you how to do that in a way that won't push your husband away more but there always seems to be some reason as to why it just won't work.

Here is what you do... forget for THREE minutes that you are a mother and a wife. Look in the mirror and say out loud.. I am a WOMAN. W-O-M-A-N. Got it, self? WOMAN. I am not just a person that raises children and tends house and is a wife. I am a WOMAN. Say it. Believe it. Step off the high horse and find out what kind of woman you are. The strut away like you are a Victoria's Secret model and remember that 'tude because you are going to need it.

All this sounds VERY screwed up, we all get it. It's hard to be strong now because you feel weak but if you want any shot at saving your M you need to stop waiting for the perfect and ideal time to do *something*.