Spouse Suffering From Depression

[awest1217]

Lucky - I feel ya and relish in the fact she is gone. Yes you still have things to work on, but if I found out OW was going back to PA where she is from I would also do a happy dance.

Stay positive with the good progress, but soon figure out what you want so you don't get sucked in again.

[Lucky11too]

Not too much going on right now (which sometimes is not a bad thing). I've just been really busy with work - tax season! (I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I'm an accountant). It's been nice. I've received a few texts yesterday and today from H asking how I'M doing! That's a change. I often get texts asking about S, but to ask about me, that's definitely a step.

I feel like a little bit of an enabler, but I try to limit it to things that have the most benefit to us and our family. Point: He hasn't paid his car insurance -> his problem. 2) He hasn't made any steps towards getting his sleep apnea resolved -> I researched this week and found a good sleep apnea ENT doctor in the area to refer him to. So my point is I've always done everything for him to basically keep him going thru life (as evidenced when I stepped out of his life this past year and everything, particularly his finances, fell apart), but i'm continuing to step back to let him get the full consequences for all but the most essential things that are critical to our reconciliation. Just something I'm thinking about...

[awest1217]

I am glad to hear that things are going well, or at least are not drama filled especially during your busy season. It is great that H is asking about you more and more. Between the supplements and the therapy, something must be working. I would say that you finding an ENT doctor is not enabling. You are not dragging him to the doctor or making sure he takes his supplements everyday. You love your husband and giving him a name to a doctor is showing that care, not enabling. Should he do it himself? Possibly, but he has to choose to call, go, and do what the doctor says so I say you are just encouraging him to take the first step.

Hope the next few months go by quickly!

[Lucky11too]

Been a long last few days so I haven't been able to get on and post anything. S had been fighting a cough for the last week but it took a turn for the worse. By Wedsnesday night, he has a 103.8 fever. We took him to the dr on Thrusday and got him some antibiotics for his baterial infection, but that night was even worse - 104.5 fever and we couldn't get it down. It was very scary and I haven't been getting much sleep lately, but S is finally doing better. Phew. Still extremely cranky, but no more fever and his cough is getting better. I was very disappointed in H for not stepping up though. On Thursday night, from him it was I would like to help but I've got to be at work at 9 in the morning and I can't call in. So I was up all night with S and called out of work the next morning (even though I'm super busy & in the middle of tax season). Then, I don't know what his excuse was on Friday night. Didn't offer to help or anything. Just got a text in the middle of the night saying "I get so angry sometimes". Huh??? About what? (drunk text???) I was too busy trying to get some sleep & dealing with S that I didn't even notice the text until the next morning. And I haven't gotten a chance to discuss with him since, so a little clueless here. On Saturday I asked him to come help me with him since my parents were out all day, but later on, I get a text saying, Sorry, I'm such a jerk, I passed out. I should have come over". Well yeah! I didn't need to point out the obvious, so I just said that we were surviving but S was very fussy. So yeah, not sure what is up with H right now. Another rollercoaster in his depression I suppose. Just disappointed in him though. =\

[awest1217]

One good, H at least apologized for not being there. He should have been there, but an apology is a good start.

Sorry S was sick. It is so hard to do that on your own. Many sleepless days and nights for me as well. Just hang in there, and go to bed early when possible with S for the next week to get caught up on some sleep.

[Lucky11too]

So I expected H to come over and see S yesterday since he hadn't seen him since Thursday (and that way only for about 30 mins). But he didn't call and text all day, so I wasn't going to be the one to push it. Besides I was busy still taking care of a fussy S. Finally that night, I get a text that said "really busy day" (big football gameday for a sports bar). I just said yes, and that we were watching the games too. And that was that. I went to bed early b/c I was so exhausted but then H texts me at 10:30 asking how I was holding up. Half asleep still, I didn't respond until a few minutes later and the moment i finish typing my text, H calls me. I pick it up and he asks what I'm doing. Uh, sleeping! He said he just called b/c he hadn't heard from me all day (although we did have the 1 text earlier). It's a little foggy b/c I was still half asleep, but he asked how I was doing, asked how S was doing, etc. Then when we were hanging up, I just said, "talk to you later". Which he responds, "bye, talk to you tomorrow". Haha, ok then. I don't know, it was all just kind of funny. It's this delicate balance of being distant enough to keep him interested but not so much that the opposite occurs and I completely push him away b/c he thinks I don't care (yes, I know that sounds ridiculus, but he can be such a drama king sometimes. haha). So anyways, just thought it was interesting...

[awest1217]

It is awesome that he called. A little bad that it was later at night, but since he works at night, he probably didn't even think about it. Either way it seems like he is really trying. He is still making mistakes, but he is trying to get closer to you and S and asking about you so that is good. Keep doing exactly what you are doing. Respond when you can, but like last night when sleeping maybe have a quick text set (mine can do that) where you can just quickly respond saying doing well, Going to sleep talk to you tomorrow, so he knows you got the message and aren't ignoring him, but you don't have to fully wake up either. Keep it up!

[Lucky11too]

Sorry, just need a little venting session here. I know there's some good progress being made so I need to vent here before I go off on him (which I feel like doing right now).

My friend just told me that on H's facebook (she's friends with him) that some girl (a newer friend on his FB. From what I can tell, she works nearby the sports bar and must be a regular) wrote on his wall about all the shots they took for her birthday. And he responds that it wasn't that many shots. It frustrates me on many levels. 1) he probably goes out like this all the time and I have no idea about it 2) he told me he had cut back on drinking 3) He's always begging his parents for money b/c he "doesn't make enough and has no money" and yet has money to spend on tattoos, going out, drinks, etc. He let his car insurance laspse, his parents are paying me back for his health insurance, he doesn't pay me anything for our son, all he has is rent, so where is all his money going? Grow up and be responsible. I blame his parents a bit too for enabling him and not even making him accountable for where his money is going. It's one thing to help him if he really is struggling; it's another thing to give him money which only enables his partying lifestyle more.

Second beef, he had the nerve to say the other day that my parents don't help me enough and he knows this from the time he is there. What? You mean the few hours he's been over, when my parents step back to let him step up as a dad. How dare he! First off, it's not their responsibility to help raise our son. They take good care of me and help me in every way possible, which I am extrememly grateful for, but it's not their responsibility. He's the husband and he's the dad! He should be there for me and for S, and if he's not, he has no right to say anything about the help my parents give. I was just really thinking about this now and it's making me fume. At the time, I just said that they helped me more than he knows, but I probably should have defended them more.

I know in some ways he's trying, but he's still being such an immature idiot and it frustrates me. Arrrggg. (and note, I have not heard from him yet today...)

[Lucky11too]

Ok, calmed down a bit down now. H just told me he was back at his therapist today (H told me she said he was "very complex". I could have told her that. haha). But just a reminder to myself that he is taking some positive steps in his life, and even though he is still making stupid decisions, this is a long process and I need to give him the chance to change. It's hard not to get frustrated at times, but I just need to keep encouraging him to do the right things...

[awest1217]

Lucky you are doing awesome and you have a right to get frustrated. I think the best thing you said is H's parents need to stop enabling him. I feel the same with my in-laws as well. H has a problem and they should at least be asking where his money is before he gets more. My H is the same way except it won't ask his parents for money, although they would give it to him in a heartbeat. It is very frustrating, but you are right he is still taking positive steps forward and you can't expect him to change overnight everything he has done for many years. Be thankful he is going to the counselor and taking his supplements. Take the time to vent so you don't go off on H, maybe take some break from H, but at least he is calling you (it seems kind of regular).

You just keep doing what you are doing because it is working, and don't forget in all of your taking care of H and S...take care of YOURSELF so you don't get drained. Maybe look into a support group for alcoholic's families so you can make sure you have someone to help you with that aspect.